I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan
Originally published September 7, 2006:
Here's the deal. I've been married for under a year. I, wifey, have been bad—the "trifecta" of controlling, insecure, jealous, and irrational, and it got 100 times worse once we got engaged. I was bad; I made him miserable. I am now doing well in therapy, much improvement in recent months. The problem? No sex. Maybe twice a month and only at my insistence. He was not as affectionate when we first got married but now there's no skimping on the hugs and kisses. He treats me well and says he loves me—but he avoids sex. The worst part is sometimes we'll be making out and I can feel his hard-on but he just won't act on it. He likes porn and women so I know he has the appetite—just not for me.
I know my trifecta turned him off, but I've gotten better. And I'm going nuts waiting.
Sexless In Windsor
By your own admission you were a raging bitch for the duration of your engagement and three-quarters of your married life thus far, SIW. While it's swell that you've gotten a handle on your controlling, insecure, jealous, and irrational behavior—that's a "quadfecta," technically, not a "trifecta"—it's gonna take more than a few months of good behavior before hubby begins to see you as the woman he proposed to and not the fucking nutjob he married. I'd say you're gonna need to be sane for at least as long as you were batshitcrazy before you can expect things to return to normal. Hang in there.