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Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Perfect Christmas Gift for Relatives Who Have [CENSORED] Sticks Up Their [CENSORED]

Posted by on Thu, Dec 6, 2012 at 7:59 AM

Do you have evangelical relatives? Do they hate swearing? Do they love TV? If so, you should buy them a TV Guardian! The TV Guardian "reads" the closed captioning for TV shows and DVDs, and then it mutes the video whenever a cuss word comes up. The TV Guardian has three settings: You can make it delete the fuck-word, the Jesus Christ-word, and even the damn-word! Here's a video:

Need more proof? Arthur from Kentucky says:

My family loves TVGuardian. Everyone in my Family has now purchased one. Thank You for allowing our Family to be able to watch TV together again as a FAMILY!

I get the impression that Arthur likes families, but not as much as he likes Random CAPITALIZATION! Buy yOur TvGuaRdian tOdAy!


Comments (25) RSS

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Posted by fuckyfuckfuck on December 6, 2012 at 8:12 AM · Report this
Or might I suggest getting this beautiful praying hands statue, made of durable and easy to clean rubber? It's perfect for displaying above the fireplace to show your Christian faith!
Posted by UNPAID COMMENTER on December 6, 2012 at 8:18 AM · Report this
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 3
What are you so aggrieved about here, Constant? Why can't hipsters live and let live?
Posted by Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn on December 6, 2012 at 8:24 AM · Report this
DrewCourt 4
Finally I can watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia with my children!
Posted by DrewCourt on December 6, 2012 at 8:32 AM · Report this
raggeddog 5
If you feel that strongly about obscenity, then you shouldn't be watching shows/movies with offensive (to you) language just out of principle. Fucking Dipshits.
Posted by raggeddog on December 6, 2012 at 8:42 AM · Report this
Allyn 6
I will give $20 to anyone who will hack the system and make it bleep out random words.
Posted by Allyn on December 6, 2012 at 8:50 AM · Report this
Fred Casely 7
@2: Does it come in any other color? After all, it's my uptight evangelical relatives we're talking about.
Posted by Fred Casely on December 6, 2012 at 8:56 AM · Report this
the man who couldn't blog 8
Can I program it to mute the TV whenever someone says the words "job creators?"
Posted by the man who couldn't blog on December 6, 2012 at 8:59 AM · Report this
Hernandez 9
@8 Right? What they need is a political version of this. Something that mutes a pre-programmed selection of Republican buzz words and automatically tints John Boehner's skin to a natural color.
Posted by Hernandez on December 6, 2012 at 9:21 AM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 10
Using an air horn would be better:…
Posted by Urgutha Forka on December 6, 2012 at 9:40 AM · Report this
Knat 11
Why two hosts for this infomercial? What the [ ] happened to the sound recording on the second guy? Why two totally different tones for the different hosts? Why the [ ]-awful haircut on the first guy, and what was he doing to that child? Why would he share the [ ] version of E.T. that has all the guns rotoscoped out, and not the original? What the [ ] was going on in Spider-Man that the kids had to cover their ears? And if these [ ] are so concerned with what their kids watch, why are those kids watching a PG-13 film in the first place? WHAT THE [ ] IS GOING ON?
Posted by Knat on December 6, 2012 at 9:50 AM · Report this
I can't image how this would be feasible, as most closed captioning is extremely inaccurate and lags behind the audio at varying rates. Basically this system will be muting random words, and when it does detect a curse word, the mute will come several seconds after your Family has been scarred forever.
Posted by Brandon J. on December 6, 2012 at 9:52 AM · Report this
Posted by blancas on December 6, 2012 at 9:59 AM · Report this
So, let me get this straight... you can make it bleep out "Jesus Christ?" So, you could be watching some random televangelist as he or she says, "The ONLY way to heaven is through the Lord BLEEEPPP!" or "You need BLEEP in your heart!" Ha ha!
Posted by Rusty Taylor on December 6, 2012 at 10:07 AM · Report this
thatsnotright 15
The list of organizations endorsing the proctuct at 2:49 is a roster of reactionaries and bigots. Focus on the Family, Southern Babtist Convention, andConcerned Women for America to name but three. If these people had their druthers television would show nothing but reruns of "Donnie and Marie" .
Posted by thatsnotright on December 6, 2012 at 10:54 AM · Report this
@8 & @9: I'd pay good money for that.
Posted by MLM on December 6, 2012 at 10:55 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 17
I kind of have to side with #2 here: I mean, if people are offended by swear words, what right do we have to tell them they have to be exposed to them? If they can buy a little device so that they can watch shows they like without cursing, why the hell not let them?

The logic behind this device is the same logic behind smoking bans in bars. I bet you all support those, right?

Personally, I think it is fucking stupid, and if you can't handle some stupid fucking swear words and shit, you need to grow up. But who the fuck am I to tell people what they need to fucking hear on their own motherfucking televisions, in their own motherfucking house?
Posted by Theodore Gorath on December 6, 2012 at 11:12 AM · Report this
I'm with @12. I don't think I've ever seen CC keep up well enough for this to work.

@17: So... It's okay for you to say you think these people are stupid and need to grow up, but the rest of us are out of line for... thinking these people are stupid and need to grow up? I mean, maybe I skimmed the comments, but I don't recall anyone seriously advocating a ban on this thing or forcing people to listen to swears.
Posted by Ben on December 6, 2012 at 12:11 PM · Report this
Bauhaus I 19
Hard to believe in 2012 that someone can still be such a tight-ass. What - if children don't hear bad words on TV, they won't hear them at all? All a parent has to do is say to a kid, "That's a bad word that isn't used by polite company." He/she will get it unless there are other problems to deal with. People need to grow the fuck up.
Posted by Bauhaus I on December 6, 2012 at 12:27 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 20
As a child, I was kept completely in the dark about life. It really shocked me to find out how unprepared I was for the adult world. Because that's what children become; adults. And what would a swear word do exactly?
Posted by Pope Peabrain on December 6, 2012 at 12:48 PM · Report this
I love the fact they're showing those youngsters a PG-13 movie. Heaven forbid they hear fowl language. Violence? Sure, pile it on!
Posted by California Dreaming on December 6, 2012 at 2:39 PM · Report this
sirkowski 22
Wanna bet this is a scam? The closed-captions aren't prefectly synched with the audio channel.
Posted by sirkowski on December 6, 2012 at 2:50 PM · Report this
superhyrulean 23
Fuck this fucking bullshit...what fucktard fucking came up with this fucking horse shit? I fucking swear all the god damn fucking time and this is a fucked up invention to fucking censor swear fucking television... It is fucked up they you can look at cocks,pussies and tits on the fucking internet,but you don't fucking let kids hear swearing...fuck that shit and fuck the cocksuckers at the fucking god damn FCC!!!
Posted by superhyrulean on December 6, 2012 at 7:57 PM · Report this
Fenrox 24
@12 exactly right. My dad has this, it's HORRIBLE. It basically doesn't work as most shows don't use closed captioning. Maybe 4 do still. Digital subtitles are TOTALLY different, and this machine (that hasn't been updated since 1995) does not have the ability to read such things. I got excited that they ahd made a better one, cuz hey, presssentssss.
Posted by Fenrox on December 7, 2012 at 12:19 PM · Report this
Fenrox 25
It bleeps it out a bit before to actually catch the word, then it puts up text to read. It just reads the CC and check the words against a txt file of swears and religious words.
Posted by Fenrox on December 7, 2012 at 12:34 PM · Report this

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