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Thursday, December 6, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Openly Skank

Posted by on Thu, Dec 6, 2012 at 2:18 PM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published September 7, 2006:

I am a 22-year-old woman, generally happy, but I have a problem with cheating. I have never been faithful to anyone, and I have had many relationships with men and women. I have finally found someone I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with, I am happy with him on every level, but I still cheat. I have been told this could be sociopathic, but I'm not sure. I have always really loved sex, all kinds, and have done everything short of urine/feces or illegal. I don't have any guilt, but I don't want my boyfriend to find out and leave me, or worse, stay with me as I continue to break his heart through constant cheating. Would therapy help? I hope you have some advice. I just wish I could stop.

She Kraves Acrobatic Nookie Konstantly

My response after the jump...

Why stop, SKANK?

You say it's not the skanking around that's making you unhappy—you enjoy the sex, you enjoy multiple partners, you enjoy everything short of urine/feces/criminal. If you're telling the truth—if you're not glossing over some deep-seated pain—the sex isn't the problem. What's troubling you is the deceit. You're worried that this boy, like the boys and girls before him, will be hurt when he finds out you're a lying, cheating skank.

But you can be a skank—and I'm using the term in the sex-positive sense—without lying or cheating. Have you tried being honest with potential boyfriends and girlfriends about your tastes and track record? Where there are no lies of commission or omission, SKANK, there's no deceit. And where there's no deceit, there are no boys whose hearts are broken when they find out they are being cheated on. Let prospective partners know who you are and what you're about before things get serious, SKANK, and your problem will be solved—i.e., boys and girls who want monogamy won't get involved with you. You'll encounter some rejection, sure, but if you keep the honesty thing up, sooner or later you'll find a partner who doesn't mind/thoroughly enjoys being cheated on. Ta-da, everybody wins.

Now, my advice would conclude with the previous paragraph if it weren't for the last line of your letter: "I just wish I could stop." If that's how you truly feel, SKANK, then perhaps there is something pathological about your behavior. And here's a little more evidence that your sexual adventures may not be coming from a particularly healthy place: Someone like you, SKANK, surely knows that there are men and women out there—wannabe swingers, the polyamorous, the growing legions of cuckold fetishists—that would kill to be with a woman like you. The fact that you haven't sought out any of these people and have instead dated and deceived the monogamously inclined is revealing. And what it reveals isn't pretty: If you've avoided the swingers, the polyamorous, and the cuckold fetishists, SKANK, and sought out only guys and girls that will be hurt by your actions, then you're not skanking around because you enjoy it. You're doing it to wound and drive off people who attempt to get close to you. And that's something you should definitely hash out with a shrink.

 

Comments (8) RSS

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8
@2: "Another reason she may be dating the monogamously inclined instead of like-minded partners is that she gets a thrill out of deceiving them. Also shrink-worthy"

Yep, she's not poly, she's a cheater.

@4: No, because she should probably start anew, post-therapy.
Posted by definitely pathological on December 7, 2012 at 11:51 AM · Report this
7
I really, really hope she's always using protection. Beyond the issue of deceit, cheating like this is immoral because it exposes all her partners to risks without their knowledge.
Posted by Brit on December 6, 2012 at 11:42 PM · Report this
Captain Wiggette 6
Sounds like a fucking basket case. I wonder what ever happened to this person. Probably nothing healthy.
Posted by Captain Wiggette on December 6, 2012 at 11:08 PM · Report this
secretagent 5
Not having "any guilt" is definitely a key point. Knowing you're hurting someone and breaking your promises should provoke feelings of guilt, regardless of whether you're poly or not. Whatever she feels, exploring what she wants and needs with a therapist will be a great help. Keep looking until you find one that clicks - the wrong therapist won't help at all.

If she wants to be non-monogamous, she should read all she can about it. If there aren't many poly people around because she's not near a major city, she should move, just like gay and lesbian men and women tend to move to the city. SF has multiple poly scenes, for one.

If she doesn't want to be poly, and just wants to cheat but not have her partner be with anyone else, then she's just your average skank. Harm reduction: use condoms every time, get regular (every 3 months) testing, and ask specifically for each test, since they tend only to test for 3 things if you're a young female.
Posted by secretagent on December 6, 2012 at 8:08 PM · Report this
Fistique 4
No advice on keeping the specific guy whose goodness prompted the letter, though.
Posted by Fistique on December 6, 2012 at 7:18 PM · Report this
3
It's totally reasonable that a poly woman could live to 22 without actively seeking out (or passively finding) poly partners - not because she enjoys hurting her monogamous partners, but because there just aren't that many poly people. And even when there are, it's hard to find or create a community in most cities. Living in Seattle and being the target of thousands of letters from poly cuckolding swingers has skewed your perception of how easy it is to find yourself a poly person, Dan. Even avowed polyamorists often take until their 40s or 50s to find polyamory and happiness.
Posted by dchari on December 6, 2012 at 6:03 PM · Report this
Free Lunch 2
Another reason she may be dating the monogamously inclined instead of like-minded partners is that she gets a thrill out of deceiving them. Also shrink-worthy.
Posted by Free Lunch on December 6, 2012 at 3:54 PM · Report this
Corylea 1
Actually, she might not know that alternatives to monogamy exist. The LW should check out "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
Posted by Corylea http://corylea.com/ on December 6, 2012 at 3:08 PM · Report this

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