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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Deep Thought

Posted by on Wed, Nov 28, 2012 at 11:08 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published March 26, 2009:

The two things that I dig most on a woman are a nice big pair of... swim fins. Some of my earliest sexual fantasies revolve around Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep. It's frustrating to have such a bizarre fetish. There is a small subculture devoted to scuba fetishism on the internet, but it's a total sausage/snorkel fest. One day I'm heading somewhere tropical like Hawaii, where I hope to meet scuba divas. Until then, what do you suggest? Give up my fetish and embrace vanilla? Or redouble my efforts to find one of the maybe half-dozen women in the world into this?

Fin Fun Fan

My response after the jump...

It's amazing how the sight of something as innocuous-yet-titillating as the poster for The Deep can, if a young man lays eyes on it at just the right moment, endow that boy with a lifelong/love-life-complicating fetish. I ponder this phenomenon every time I see that ad for Old Spice's new Live Wire body wash featuring an impossibly hot centaur soaping up in the shower. (While you regard your fetish as a burden, FFF, at least you can find scuba gear. Where are all the fetishists being created by Old Spice supposed to find centaurs?)

The odds that you will one day meet one of the very few women out there who share your fetish are slim, FFF. But let's say you manage to track one down. What are the odds that you'll be attracted to her physically? And emotionally? Slim and slimmer. Your best bet is to date women you find attractive, demonstrate that you're a decent and loving guy who can enjoy vanilla sex, and then roll out your fetish.

Some would argue that withholding info about your fetish is dishonest. I would argue, however, that "withholding" info about a harmless fetish—FFF just wants to play dress-up, he's not into shit or shunts or shin splints—demonstrates a certain degree of emotional intelligence. Waiting about three months says to prospective scuba babes, "Hey, I wanted you to get to know me before I told you this, because I realize that it might strike you as odd. And while I'm kinky, I'm not obtuse or insensitive."

 

Comments (29) RSS

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29
And I also agree on the emotional intelligence, completely. I am skeptical of people who feel the need to bring up things that are out-of-the-ordinary about them right away. You may call it disclosure or being "not ashamed," I call it not being aware of how people will judge your whole personality immediately based on that, rather than giving them the chance to get to know you and form another impression of you that's not entirely dependent on that one fact.
Posted by Whoop Di Doo on December 4, 2012 at 3:03 PM · Report this
28
I agree with Dan about waiting to disclose - I think that's really true with a lot of out-of-the-ordinary things that might come up in dating, not just kinks. For one, a lot of people are more forgiving about these things once they know you. Secondly, bringing it up right away can make it seem more important than it actually is. Bringing it up immediately, as though it's a dealbreaker, is what makes it a huge freaking deal.
Posted by Whoop Di Doo on December 4, 2012 at 3:01 PM · Report this
27
THANK YOU Dan for telling him to wait to disclose. I went through a two year period where most of the guys who were interested in me brought up their "kinks" way too soon. Most of the time it was like FFF-- a kink that was kind of out there but relatively easy to accommodate. However, the fact that they brought it up so early was a big red flag. It meant they either had poor judgment, or sex was their main priority. And if a guy tells me about his vampire fetish before he tells me his hometown, I will always think about him as that guy who wants me to dress up like a True Blood character.
Posted by pavloviandoggy on November 30, 2012 at 7:49 AM · Report this
26
seeker, I was able to find your comment to me from that thread, by going through your own profile.
You wrote: "There's a difference between a real cock and a fake one, EricaP."

Hmm, people treat breasts implants as "real", womanly breasts. If I wear a cock, it doesn't make me a guy, and if someone sucks my cock, it doesn't make them bi.

If I were labeled a guy from birth, but I knew myself to be female as soon as I knew about gender, then I would feel that a guy sucking my cock was sucking a woman's cock. I would conclude that he was freaky, but I would not think he would necessarily enjoy sucking a guy's cock, or kissing and fondling a guy. Personally, I think you're not gay or bi unless you enjoy the idea of fondling a guy, rather than just a woman's cock.

I grant that you may see things differently, but I won't grant that all reasonable people agree with you.
Posted by EricaP on November 30, 2012 at 12:05 AM · Report this
25
@24, yeah -- guess the blowback was too severe...
Posted by EricaP on November 29, 2012 at 11:56 PM · Report this
24
And with a WHOOSH! the post after this regarding the "shemale" blowjob has been disappeared.
Posted by seeker6079 on November 29, 2012 at 6:14 PM · Report this
aureolaborealis 23
@22: I almost mentioned the exhibitionist aspect. If you're anywhere near a beach or road or anything, you're fucking where people can see, if they know to look.
Posted by aureolaborealis on November 29, 2012 at 5:51 PM · Report this
ScienceNerd 22
@21, I was just going to suggest snorkel sex... which happens to be also fun for secret exhibitionists. :D
Posted by ScienceNerd http://stanichium.tumblr.com/ on November 29, 2012 at 2:40 PM · Report this
aureolaborealis 21
I should add that while I have been involved in fumbling with tanks on, the most fun (if orgasms are our measure of fun) was while snorkeling, which still involves fins and whatnot.
Posted by aureolaborealis on November 29, 2012 at 12:20 AM · Report this
aureolaborealis 20
@18,19: I think salt water acts differently. I've tried sex in the tub before and noticed the rapid diminution of slickness, but I don't remember anything of the sort in the ocean.

I recommended moving because I think it's more likely to happen if you are diving and snorkeling enough that you get past the whole "oh my God I'm in the ocean and it's amazing and I'm paying $100 an hour for this and I have to soak up every penny's worth of the experience" etc, etc. It also helps if you're paying a couple bucks for a tank of air (instead if a couple hundred for rentals and boat fees) and getting yourselves to the dive spot, which is wherever the fuck you want it to be, and it's not swarming with other people.
Posted by aureolaborealis on November 29, 2012 at 12:08 AM · Report this
Sandiai 19
I know fresh water is not a good lubricant. You get maybe three thrusts before it gets uncomfortable (for the woman, anyway). I know, I was surprised too. Don't know about salt water though.

About FFF, this seems so mild a fetish that any GGG person should be happy to accomodate.
Posted by Sandiai on November 28, 2012 at 11:43 PM · Report this
gwhayduke 18
@17 - Yeah? Travel, if not move.

I assumed the waters would mess with natural lubrication. Am I wrong? It goes swimmingly?
Posted by gwhayduke http://www.farmsanctuary.org/videos/celebrity-ambassadors/ellen-degeneres-shares-why-she-supports-farm-sanctuary/ on November 28, 2012 at 11:05 PM · Report this
aureolaborealis 17
Um, any horny person who's done any serious, regular diving (OK, in a climate where you don't need a dry suit) has fucked in the water. In a wet suit (partially). With fins on.
Move to a warm climate. Take up diving.

You're welcome.
Posted by aureolaborealis on November 28, 2012 at 9:09 PM · Report this
ferret 16
Hang out at pools is my answers or join a swim group or team, given that people are using fins all the time during workout.
Posted by ferret http://https://twitter.com/#!/okojo on November 28, 2012 at 6:47 PM · Report this
15
@7 I wrote a novel about a mermaid and I get fan letters. I've looked into the community, such as it is.

Trust me: It's chicks.
Posted by Zuulabelle http://www.mellophant.com on November 28, 2012 at 5:21 PM · Report this
14
This does seem like a remarkably easy fetish to accommodate.
Posted by giffy on November 28, 2012 at 2:45 PM · Report this
13
I know some pretty sexy divers around here. You just won't notice until they take off the 20lbs. of lead, the drysuit, the drysuit underwear, ...
Posted by restlessnative on November 28, 2012 at 2:43 PM · Report this
Sandiai 12
@11 I refer to the Troll at 3 as "Her Majesty." Specifically Queen Elizabeth I.

hey troll honey, why come here if it's so beneath you?
Posted by Sandiai on November 28, 2012 at 1:52 PM · Report this
11
@3: What is it about having to create an account that instantly divides the trolls from the reasonable people? It only takes like thirty seconds and an email account to make an account, yet the assholes NEVER have one, and the reasonable people ALWAYS do. I've never seen an effect this dramatic on any other site.
Posted by dchari on November 28, 2012 at 1:18 PM · Report this
Fifty-Two-Eighty 10
@7, set up a Google Alert for "mermaid," it'll blow your mind how many women are into it. It's all because of Disney, you know. Back in the old days, it was all about Prince Charming. Now they all want to be Ariel.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on November 28, 2012 at 1:06 PM · Report this
9
RA Wilson did a pretty good job of covering this stage of Imprint Vulnerability in Prometheus Rising.
Posted by diggum on November 28, 2012 at 12:52 PM · Report this
venomlash 8
@5: Got it in one.
Posted by venomlash on November 28, 2012 at 12:47 PM · Report this
Backyard Bombardier 7
@6: How do you know that it is primarily the women purchasing those tails? I have no difficulty imagining a man with a mermaid fetish dropping a couple grand on a tail for his lady to wear.
Posted by Backyard Bombardier on November 28, 2012 at 12:36 PM · Report this
6
If he was willing to compromise and engage in a bit of give and take with a partner, I bet a mermaid fetishist would be the ideal partner for him. There are a lot more women into being mermaids than there are men willing to put up with mermaids (seriously: just check out all the places that sell tails for women to purchase for hundreds or thousands of dollars), so they could reach some sort of deal and the kinks are similar enough that it would be easy to manage.

You know, he rubs her tail on Monday and she wears fins for him on Tuesday. Everybody's happy!

Quite a few mermaids are into scuba as well, since they're interested in water in general.
Posted by Zuulabelle http://www.mellophant.com on November 28, 2012 at 12:25 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 5
I think the key phrase is "demonstrate that you're a decent and loving guy who can enjoy vanilla sex." However, if I had a partner with this kind of dress-up fetish, the real issue for me wouldn't be their ability to also enjoy "vanilla" sex (hell, I'll wear swim fins every time if that's what gets them hot - it's not really an above-and-beyond kind of request); it would be whether or not I felt that they were into me for more than just my willingness to indulge their fetish. I think if you have a fetish like this, it's important to make clear to your partner that you're turned on by them and not just by the scuba gear.
Posted by Sea Otter on November 28, 2012 at 11:56 AM · Report this
4
@2, you can put a lock on a large walk-in closet. That helps. As does having the kind of boundaries with your visiting family so they don't feel entitled to an answer about "what's in the locked closet?"

Withholding the info about your fetish while kicking off your sex life in grand form also demonstrates that you're not a one-trick pony. That is, you can enjoy apparently vanilla sex (whatever reel you have playing in your mind doesn't count). I think the longer you wait to tell your partner, the less entitled you are to have the fetish play a major role in your sex life.

So that if you tell on the first date, then she understands she'll be putting on fins almost every single time you have sex. If you tell in month three, then she'll probably face wearing fins at least once a month or so. But if you wait until you've been married ten years, with two kids, then it's unreasonable to expect her to wear fins more than once a year.

Unless you also figure out something new that she loves. She'll might be willing to wear the fins once a month if you'll suck a guy's cock in front of her a few times a year. Or some such :-)
Posted by EricaP on November 28, 2012 at 11:54 AM · Report this
3
gawd,
and we thought the letters couldn't get any more boring or innane....
Posted by stick a fork in it on November 28, 2012 at 11:37 AM · Report this
2
Very mild on the fetish scale I would have thought. You wouldn't even have to hide your scuba gear if relatives paid a visit. I am still confounded by how people explain or hide elaborate props and sets for when parents or granny pays a visit. Vanilla is so easy.
Posted by JJinAus on November 28, 2012 at 11:24 AM · Report this
Supreme Ruler Of The Universe 1
Scuba divas have been replaced with washboard thin surfing girls who will snap your back quicker than Bruce Lee at a pingpong table.
Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://www.you-read-it-here-first.com on November 28, 2012 at 11:21 AM · Report this

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