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Monday, November 19, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Panty Thieves

Posted by on Mon, Nov 19, 2012 at 11:55 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published May 10, 2007:

I was recently seeing an alpha-male type—Ivy League grad, big executive, loud laugh, etc. He found me on a website, one thing led to another, and he was showing me pictures of him in his ex-girlfriend's panties!

We went out for the first of many coffee dates and it ended with me putting my hand down the back of his pants and feeling a silky thong! We made plans to meet for some actual dress up. Girly Boy stood me up! A couple of times! I got annoyed, but I put up with it because his apologetic e-mails were so abject—and filled with new dirty pictures. We eventually planned a whole Sunday afternoon of him cleaning my house, me putting makeup on him, and a grand finale of him eating me out on the couch. And he stood me up again!

I come to my point now: I gave him my FAVORITE black thong and push-up bra at our last coffee date. He then supplied me with a hot selection of pics that got me very excited for Sunday fun. But Sunday fun never happened! He didn't even call! All I want now are my panties and bra back! I told him to mail them to me and he HASN'T. This is my favorite set of underwear! I KNOW he's parading around in them and thinking, "I won!" Typical alpha male! How do I get my panties back?

Lost My Favorite Panties

My response after the jump...

By threatening to create a YouTube slideshow using the pics Alpha Male already sent you, LMFP, or by threatening to e-mail the pics to everybody@hisplaceofemployment.com. Or, hell, go with a retro, low-tech threat and tell him you're going to print up fliers and drop them over Nazi-occupied Europe. Not that you should do any of those things, LMFP, but his willingness to mess with your head—all those twat-teasing e-mails, all those flirty coffee meetings, all those dates for play that he broke—gives you carte blanche to mess with his head.

Finally, LMFP, alpha males in lacy panties don't do anything for me personally—seriously!—but your letter aroused my professional curiosity. Panty thieves have been in the news lately; a few were busted recently and chucked into the cable-news meat grinder. These guys tend to be dweeby in the extreme, i.e., the kind of men who can only collect women's panties by stealing them. I would like to lay eyes on the pics of a panty collector alluring enough to seduce multiple women—I guarantee that you're not the first—into parting with their favorite panties and bras. I promise not to drop his pics over Nazi-occupied Europe.

YouTube however...

 

Comments (20) RSS

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Urgutha Forka 1
Not only do I hope she did NOT do any of those things, I hope she didn't threaten to do any of those things either.

Because of a few selfish shit heads posting pics/videos on the internet of their SO's doing stuff, now EVERYBODY is reluctant to allow pics/videos of themselves. They ruined it for everyone.

2007 was a long time ago. I hope Dan, that you wouldn't suggest a threat like this today.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on November 19, 2012 at 12:26 PM · Report this
2
That last paragraph: "Finally, LMFP, pix or it didn't happen."
Posted by dchari on November 19, 2012 at 12:37 PM · Report this
3
And I second @1, but for a different reason: a man with Ivy League connections could get all legal up on your ass if you start threatening him.
Posted by dchari on November 19, 2012 at 12:39 PM · Report this
4
I'm with Urgutha Forka on this one: your suggestions have a whiff of grand juries about the LW's future if she took your advice.

Posted by seeker6079 on November 19, 2012 at 12:53 PM · Report this
nocutename 5
Okay, here's what I can't figure out:

Is LMFP more upset by the fact that she lost her favorite panties or that the "alpha male" is gloating over his victory?

Is this the result of a giant, bruised ego?

Is it motivated by self-disgust that she would give away her favorite set of underwear to someone who had already stood her up "a couple of times?"

Or is she trying to engineer a way to see him again under the guise of 'I want my undies back?'

Posted by nocutename on November 19, 2012 at 1:06 PM · Report this
6
I would have just threatened to sue him in smalls claims court for the property back. It is the proper legal solution, and would be just as humiliating for him if it happened. I'd even consider doing it if my stuff wasn't returned. People need to learn that they can't go around stealing people's stuff.
Posted by uncreative on November 19, 2012 at 1:17 PM · Report this
Dr_Awesome 7
Small Claims Court will likely laugh this one out of the courtroom, sadly. She will be out a couple hundred bucks or more for filing fees, process server, and so on. Since she gave him the articles of clothing willingly, he did not break any law. Maybe theft by possession. Maybe.
Posted by Dr_Awesome on November 19, 2012 at 2:17 PM · Report this
8
I don't think "Alpha Male" means what you thinks it means.
Posted by tkc on November 19, 2012 at 2:19 PM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 9
I am *so* wondering how she dealt w/ this. What was the ultimate fate of the treasured and valued black lace bra and matching thong panties?
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on November 19, 2012 at 2:27 PM · Report this
Sketch 10
Surely she's not going to wear them again. For one thing, they are probably all overstretched and the elastics ruined.

So I think the "They are my FAVORITE and I want them BACK!" is indeed a cover for something else. My guess is she just can't stand the though of him "gloating because he won," and wants them back to assert her power.

Which is perfectly within her rights.

I second #6's suggestion to (threaten to) take him to small claims court. It keeps her legally unassailable and is just as embarrassing for him. Plus she might actually get them back, or, if she's very lucky, be awarded their worth in cash. That'd be even better because then she could buy a new set.
Posted by Sketch on November 19, 2012 at 2:35 PM · Report this
mixy 11
If she was extra forgiving, she might have just asked him to replace the items, or put up the funds for them. Nice undies aren't cheap! Obviously her having owned and enjoyed them gave the guy extra motivation to get them for his own wear.
Posted by mixy on November 19, 2012 at 2:39 PM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 12
Why threaten? Just do it.
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on November 19, 2012 at 3:06 PM · Report this
mikethehammer 13
@9,

I know Dan's arch-nemesis Prudie just recently ran a "special" column in which she dug up five interesting old submissions and allowed readers to vote for which one she followed up with to see how her advice played. Maybe we could mount a campaign for Dan to do something similar...
Posted by mikethehammer on November 19, 2012 at 3:20 PM · Report this
TVDinner 14
Too many exclamation points. My eyes hurt.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on November 19, 2012 at 3:43 PM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 15
@13 I know he's done something similar in the past, but it laid the responsibility on the OPs to contact him. I like the idea of him/his office hunting down folks as a follow-up, finding out what's going on.
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on November 19, 2012 at 4:15 PM · Report this
16
Hi Gang;
I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. Pay no mind to the fact that I am posting dozens of other pieces of trivial shit every day. The truth is I am bored stiff of these lame-ass letters. I will be back when the book is finished. Or something.
—Dan
Posted by Dam Savage on November 19, 2012 at 6:04 PM · Report this
17
@3: So his options are: a.) he gives the undies back, or, b.) he gets "all legal up on your ass" -- which means he forces her to enter into public record all the lovely pictures of him in her underwear -- in the hope that he can punish her for trying extort him out of, well, her own underwear. Do you really think he would go for option b?
Posted by yuiop on November 20, 2012 at 12:35 AM · Report this
shurenka 18
@1 But she is not responsible for the welfare of nude pics for all. And it doesn't "ruin it for everyone"; "everyone" should be exercising enough caution to only give incriminating pictures to trusted parties, and to make sure identifying details are cropped/blurred.

If you don't screw anyone over, and you make sure only to give photo evidence to sane, trustworthy people, you don't have much reason to fear a picture in the hands of your partner or ex. But there is always a chance things will leak, and that is a risk you are accepting by sending other people pictures of yourself.

She should have totally threatened sending the pictures to a friend/colleague or website and followed through if he didn't send the panties/bra back. He probably would have been able to deny it anyway even if she had to go through with her threat, but at least it would teach him a lesson.
Posted by shurenka on November 20, 2012 at 6:58 AM · Report this
19
What in the world?? The bra is one thing, but what would make her ever want to wear a THONG that someone else had BORROWED, ever again?
Posted by lulubelle on November 20, 2012 at 7:30 AM · Report this
20
@5: Yes.
Posted by justsomebody on November 20, 2012 at 9:43 AM · Report this

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