Okay, so you got me on that one, Walking Dead! I suspect you're trying to make me feel like a complete dick for all the crap I've talked about a certain character that shall remain unnamed until after the jump—where we shall chitty-chat about last night's SHOCKING EPISODE. Click that little thing down there, and let's talk about "The Killer Within"! (Oooooooh. Spooky.)

• Courtesy AMC
• Didn't your mother teach you to never run with a machete?

So here's what I'm thinking...

1) Wow, that was a jam-packed episode of thrills, death, and INSANE BOREDOM whenever Guv'nah and Blondie McGunnerson came on the screen. Let's break it down.

2) Hey! Who's that unlocking the gates and leaving trails of breadcrumbs/deer entrails leading to the gang? (Hope he remembers to wash his hands. Yuck.)

3) Meanwhile, the remaining two prisoners are begging to join up with the group—though T-Dog is the only compassionate one in their corner. (I should've realized right then he was toast. Sorry, but good manners are never in style during a zombie apocalypse.)

4) Back in the all-girl liberal arts college of Woodbury, Michonne silently calls bullshit on the Guv'nah's LIE about the dead National Guardsmen. He tries to seduce her into joining their ranks, but it doesn't work, because, after all, he's not the real Morrissey.

5) Meanwhile in the prison, Farmer "One-Leg" McDrunky is up and hobbling about, just in time for... ZOMBIE ATTAAAACK! The gang is separated, and of course, the much-despised Lori (with the most unconvincing baby bump ever) decides this is the perfect time to give birth to her zombaby. SO SELFISH!!

6) T-Dog pays for the sin of compassion by having his neck eaten out by a biter. R.I.P. T-Dog—we hardly knew ye. (Mostly because the writers never gave him enough lines.)

7) Back in Snoresville (Woodbury), Blondie gives Racisty McRacist directions to the Old McDrunky's farm, annoys the shit out of Michonne (and the rest of us) by refusing to leave, and shares a horny drink with Guv'nah Patrick—who deigned to share his real name. OH, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SNORRRRRE.

8) Let's get back to the prison, quick! Rick decides that someone is playing a nasty trick on them (ya think?), and goes to shut down the prison's back-up generator, where he meets THE CONVENIENTLY LOCATED TRICKSTER WHOSE BEEN UNLOCKING ALL THE GATES! (We know this because he's still got a piece of deer spleen on his shoe.) Fight, fight, fight, and Rick is saved by Oscar the shunned prisoner—who also happens to be BLACK. (Hey, since T-Dog's dead, they have to maintain their minority quotas or HR's gonna be pissed!)

9) Since no one's around to help her birth that baby, Lori convinces Maggie to give her a back alley C-section—knowing full well she's going to die. Heroic, but dumb. And since she's giving up her life for the baby's, Lori thinks this entitles her to deliver THE MOST GROTESQUE AND POORLY ACTED GOODBYE MONOLOGUE I'VE SEEN IN YEARS. Seriously, that was terrible. Now I don't feel so bad about all the awful things I've said about her. Good riddance!

10) The gang (sans Carol) reunites—but then Rick slowly figures out what happened: "Wait-a-second... no Lori + Maggie covered with blood + Carl with a smoking gun + a crying newborn baby = let's see... hmm... divide by three... carry the two... and the answer is... OOOOOHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" (And... scene.)

11) Okay, that was pretty manipulative overall—but I gotta say it was all worth it just to see Glenn decapitate that zombie with a machete. SAH-WEET! Next week: Better find some Pampers!

12) WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS EPISODE? Your comments, please.

• Courtesy AMC
• And THAT'S what you get for nagging.