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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Plunge In

Posted by on Tue, Oct 16, 2012 at 12:44 PM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back November 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published October 22, 2009:

I'm a straight teenage male, but I can't climax unless I am stimulating my anus or rectum. I use various objects like cucumbers. The reason I don't buy a toy is that I live in a very religious household and my parents would disown me if they found a sex toy in my room.

I take a toilet plunger and wrap the handle with toilet paper and tissues. Then I take a plastic bag and put it over the top. After that, I wrap a rubber band around the bottom part of the bag so it can't slide off, lube it up, and fuck away! I really like this: I can put the suction part on the floor, sit on the handle part, and basically ride it while I use my hands to stroke my dick/balls.

I know you're thinking, "Gross! Do you realize that thing's been in the toilet?!" But I sterilize the handle with Lysol, then put soap on it before wrapping it with toilet paper. I also put disinfectant on the plastic bag, then wash it off with water. After I'm done, I put more disinfectant/¬≠soap on the handle and wash it off so people who are using the plunger for its normal use don't get my ass germs. I've been doing this for about five years and haven't felt any bad symptoms except the occasional trace bleeding (I think due to not enough lube—or it may be due to the ridges of the bag). A few times I actually bled a lot (about the same amount as a medium cut on your finger) for two or three days, but I didn't feel it in my butt and only knew that I was bleeding when I took a shit.

Are homemade dildos a bad idea? Am I putting my family at risk by getting my ass germs on the plunger?

Always Nervous Until Sanitized

For the love of God, ANUS, get your hands and ass on an actual sex toy—they make dildos with suction-cup bases—before you do some real damage to yourself. Your 10-step toilet-plunger-into-anal-sex-toy plan is ingenious, I'll admit, and your concern for the health of your family is touching. But given a choice between explaining your masturbatory routine to your parents because they found a dildo in your room or explaining it to them because you wound up in an emergency room because your luck ran out and the bleeding didn't stop, ANUS, I hope you would opt for the former.

If you're worried about the repercussions of discovery—such as being disowned—then hide the dildo someplace other than your room. Got siblings? Hide your dildo in the room of your least favorite. If you're an only child, find a beat-up-looking box, a couple of porn magazines that predate your family's tenure in your home, and hide the box with the dildo and old mags in the crawl space or a drop ceiling or the rafters. If your folks find it, they'll think it belonged to some perverted previous owner or tenant, not to their straight-but-needs-anal-stimulation-to-climax son.

A word to my fellow parents: If you find a penetration toy hidden in your child's room—why were you snooping?—do not freak the fuck out, do not disown your kid, and do not discard the toy. Your child probably went to great lengths to obtain that toy—teenagers can't just walk into sex shops—and he or she probably didn't decide to run the risks of obtaining and concealing a sex toy until he or she had a bad experience with an improvised sex toy, e.g., plunger-related rectal bleeding, difficulty retrieving a cucumber from the vaginal canal. If you make a scene and take the toy, your child may not acquire another—but your child's experiments with insertion will continue. He or she will just go back to using produce (swiped from the fridge for use, then returned to the fridge after use) or plunger handles or worse.


Comments (17) RSS

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Mattini 1
Another good candidate for a follow-up letter. This poor kid was always one slippery floor away from impalement.

There's something charming about his painstakingly crafted sex toy, but I hope he found a replacement that didn't stand to kill him.
Posted by Mattini on October 16, 2012 at 1:03 PM · Report this
If his parents are that repressed a nice non-anatomical glass or ceramic toy would probably pass unnoticed as a paperweight or some such BS.
Posted by EM_3290176197231982 on October 16, 2012 at 1:18 PM · Report this
brandon 3
Poor guy. Hopefully he's learned or will soon learn how full of shit his parents are and that he can do what ever the fuck he wants once he's out of their house.

Homophobia hurts straight people too!
Posted by brandon on October 16, 2012 at 1:29 PM · Report this
nocutename 4
@3: What does homophobia have to do with this?
There's nothing in the letter or in Dan's response to suggest that the parents' objections would have to do with their (mis)perception of their son as gay. He says he lives in a religious house and his parents would freak out as his having a sex toy. Presumably the freakout would be as bad if they found a fleshlight, except for the shared germ issue.

I remember this letter well, and have always wondered if the kid didn't wind up in his local emergency room.
Posted by nocutename on October 16, 2012 at 1:37 PM · Report this
I just went and re-read the comments for this letter ~ There are tons of good ideas for ANUS on hiding places and/or un-suspicious looking dildos.
Posted by dccc on October 16, 2012 at 1:42 PM · Report this
such a bullshit letter. fake.
Posted by fake is fake on October 16, 2012 at 1:43 PM · Report this
mikethehammer 7

These have all been great candidates for follow-up letters. I remember this one well. Dan, you've got email addresses for these people. Ever think of devoting a future column or two to getting in touch with folks (or even just attempting to) to see how things played out? I think everyone loves the back/forth exchange style entries and this would seem to appeal to that same sense of curiosity & intrigue. With all the entries you've done, surely you could choose a few that'd be incredibly interesting.
Posted by mikethehammer on October 16, 2012 at 1:45 PM · Report this
mikethehammer 8

Oh come on. If you're not aware that there's long been a stigma of homosexuality attributed to male anal play (especially among older/conservative folk) you must have lived the bulk of your life under a rock.
Posted by mikethehammer on October 16, 2012 at 1:49 PM · Report this
very bad homo 9
Use carrots like a normal person! Just make sure you throw them away after.
Posted by very bad homo on October 16, 2012 at 1:52 PM · Report this
brandon 10
@4 Tell that to all the gay kids who are in the closet or were outed by their sex toys or porn. Why do you think Christians call it gay people sodomites? Because any backdoor action is seen as The Devil's Work. It is not a stretch to connect his potential disowning with his parents perception of "sodomy" happening in their house.

Posted by brandon on October 16, 2012 at 2:03 PM · Report this
nocutename 11
@8, 10:
Sorry: I understand there's a lot of homophobia around, but you don't get to take anything that has anal play in it and decide that simply by its existence it is evidence of homophobia. I have a friend who grew up in very religious households, and his parents' discover of his Playboy (Playboy!) magazine was enough to occasion a meltdown because masturbation is sinful and naked women, omg. I know a woman whose mom found a dildo she had (at the age of 20, still living with her parents) and was horrified. Many parents just don't like to be confronted with the evidence of their child's sexuality--whatever that sexuality may be.
Posted by nocutename on October 16, 2012 at 2:48 PM · Report this
Food for thought for the "extremely religious" parents: your child can't climax wihtout anal stimulation, and since you think sex is designed for reproduction, wouldn't it be a major concern to your god too if your child can't climax, and isn't it great then that he found a way he can actually get all those potential newborn christians out of his balls?
Posted by Shepherd on October 16, 2012 at 4:31 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 13
If ever a SLLOTD screamed FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, it's this one. All the description of this elaborate prep and decommissioning- FAKE. Nobody is this stupid when there are yard tool handles, broomsticks, vegetables (disposable!) and a myriad of other useful items to stuff up one's butt that are infinitely smoother and more fun than his contraption.
I'm shocked Dan even posted it the first time, except maybe as a platform for discussing anal sex and one's teens with parents.
Posted by OutInBumF on October 16, 2012 at 4:38 PM · Report this
I feel obligated to warn this kid that the plunger thing could be potentially fatal. Imagine if you will, sitting on the plunger handle, having a foot slip out and a two foot plunger handle going in your ass, through your intestine and ending in your liver. Please get a toy before you die.
Posted by aleena1985 on October 16, 2012 at 5:16 PM · Report this
i gotta say it..... come on.... 10 years from now he's going to make some gay top a very happy man. is he str8, i doubt, bi, very likely and once he discovers the joy of a penis up there, well, he's just going to have to come to terms with his needs.
Posted by asifidbelievethis on October 17, 2012 at 7:08 AM · Report this
BEG 16
Still laughing here: Got siblings? Hide your dildo in the room of your least favorite....
Posted by BEG!/browneyedgirl65 on October 17, 2012 at 11:10 AM · Report this
@7: Dan mentioned a while back that he purges his inbox every six months or so. That's why, amid all the discussion of Rick Santorum's "Google problem," he couldn't get in touch with the reader whose originally suggested the "Name a Gay Sex Act after Santorum" contest or the one who submitted the winning entry.
Posted by Snoopy The Cat on October 17, 2012 at 4:59 PM · Report this

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