This tweet of Peter's inspired me a new play—just my second—and it's after the jump.
JESUS AND THE HUGE ASSHOLE A new play by Dan Savage
Curtain. Jesus Christ is sitting in a garden in quiet contemplation. One of Jesus's many followers, Peter, approaches Jesus.
JESUS: "Yes, my son?"
PETER: "I want a Jimmy John's sandwich and a bag of chips."
JESUS: "So go get a sandwich and a bag of chips."
PETER: "I can't, Jesus."
JESUS: "Why not?"
PETER: "Because a Jimmy John's sandwich costs more now thanks to Obamacare, Jesus, so I can't afford to get a sandwich and a bag of chips."
JESUS: "You are an asshole."
PETER: "Excuse me, Jesus?"
JESUS: "Are you deaf? I said, 'YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.' You're seriously standing there bitching about having to pay a little bit more for a sandwich?"
PETER: "You don't understand, Jesus, why should I have to pay for—"
JESUS: "Shut the fuck up. I was crucified for your sins and all I asked in return was for you people to be nice to each other—"
JESUS: "Shut the fuck up, Peter. All I asked was for your people to be nice to each other. And you're telling me that you're not willing to pay fifty cents more for a fucking sandwich so that the guy who made it for you—and his kids—can go see a doctor? You're not a Christian."
PETER: "But I go to church, Jesus, and I hate gay people so hard!"
JESUS: "Not good enough, Peter, not nearly good enough. Stop bothering me and go worship Thor or Mars or Zeus instead, okay? I don't want you calling yourself a Christian. You're a dick."
PETER: "I can't believe Jesus just called me a dick."
JESUS: "Yeah, well, you are a dick. I sacrificed my life for you and you can't sacrifice a bag of chips for the sandwich guy? Or scrounge up the extra fifty fucking cents? Dick."
PETER: "But Jesus!"
JESUS: "Love one another as I have loved you, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, take care of the poor, take care of the sick, give away all that you have and follow me—does any of this shit ring a bell, you stupid asshole?"
PETER: "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I'll go worship Thor!"