Slog
News & ArtsTuesday, October 16, 2012
Religion "Jesus and the Huge Asshole"
Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Oct 16, 2012 at 8:47 AM
Peter LaBarbera is a conservative Christian, an anti-gay activist, and someone I follow on Twitter.
Jimmy John's founder says Obamacare would cost him 50 cents per sandwich. #tcot #gop #hhrs #ampat #ocra
— Peter LaBarbera (@PeterLaBarbera) October 15, 2012
This tweet of Peter's inspired me a new play—just my second—and it's after the jump.
JESUS AND THE HUGE ASSHOLE
A new play by Dan Savage
A new play by Dan Savage
Curtain. Jesus Christ is sitting in a garden in quiet contemplation. One of Jesus's many followers, Peter, approaches Jesus.
PETER: "Jesus?"
JESUS: "Yes, my son?"
PETER: "I want a Jimmy John's sandwich and a bag of chips."
JESUS: "So go get a sandwich and a bag of chips."
PETER: "I can't, Jesus."
JESUS: "Why not?"
PETER: "Because a Jimmy John's sandwich costs more now thanks to Obamacare, Jesus, so I can't afford to get a sandwich and a bag of chips."
JESUS: "You are an asshole."
PETER: "Excuse me, Jesus?"
JESUS: "Are you deaf? I said, 'YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.' You're seriously standing there bitching about having to pay a little bit more for a sandwich?"
PETER: "You don't understand, Jesus, why should I have to pay for—"
JESUS: "Shut the fuck up. I was crucified for your sins and all I asked in return was for you people to be nice to each other—"
PETER: "But—"
JESUS: "Shut the fuck up, Peter. All I asked was for your people to be nice to each other. And you're telling me that you're not willing to pay fifty cents more for a fucking sandwich so that the guy who made it for you—and his kids—can go see a doctor? You're not a Christian."
PETER: "But I go to church, Jesus, and I hate gay people so hard!"
JESUS: "Not good enough, Peter, not nearly good enough. Stop bothering me and go worship Thor or Mars or Zeus instead, okay? I don't want you calling yourself a Christian. You're a dick."
PETER: "I can't believe Jesus just called me a dick."
JESUS: "Yeah, well, you are a dick. I sacrificed my life for you and you can't sacrifice a bag of chips for the sandwich guy? Or scrounge up the extra fifty fucking cents? Dick."
PETER: "But Jesus!"
JESUS: "Love one another as I have loved you, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, take care of the poor, take care of the sick, give away all that you have and follow me—does any of this shit ring a bell, you stupid asshole?"
PETER: "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I'll go worship Thor!"
Scene.
2
Beautifully written. :)
I like to tell people that the irony of my life is that I began treating people like Jesus taught after I became an atheist.
I like to tell people that the irony of my life is that I began treating people like Jesus taught after I became an atheist.
5
"I can't believe Jesus just called me a dick."
That's one of my favorite lines from BoM... Your new script brightened my morning -- thanks!
That's one of my favorite lines from BoM... Your new script brightened my morning -- thanks!
11
The Obama admin really needs to get this sort of message out there... that it's good and decent to help each other out. Those who can afford a fast food sandwich can afford to help out their fellow citizens. And in turn, they'll be helped as well.
Why is that such a bitter fucking pill for conservatives to swallow? Helping others?
Also, Thor would smite that prick Labarbera dead in about two seconds.
Why is that such a bitter fucking pill for conservatives to swallow? Helping others?
Also, Thor would smite that prick Labarbera dead in about two seconds.
12
Jimmy John's did not mind offering sandwiches for $1 each last week: why should employee health care be considered such a burden?
14
Jimmy John Liataud is an ass. He built his sandwich empire in Illinois and when taxes where recently raised--he has stated that he wants to move to Florida. Of course, use what you can and run when asked to pay up.
17
Modern Christianity is about as close to worshipping Thor as it is to honoring what Jesus actually preached.
And @15: exactly.
And @15: exactly.
21
Uh, Jesus wouldn't be sitting around a garden AFTER he was crucified. Unless it was right after His big reveal and before the ascension (Season Premiere, Year 1 AD)... Also; In the extended scroll version He totally lent John the extra 50 cents, wtf?
22
The Jimmy John's monthly newsletter has been filled regularly with anti-Obama propaganda for years. Jimmy apparently thinks he shouldn't have to pay for his employees to have health care so he can afford more trips to Africa to kill animals. Good for him.
He also has a full sized Jimmy Johns store inside of his house. Gotta pay for that somehow, right?
He also has a full sized Jimmy Johns store inside of his house. Gotta pay for that somehow, right?
23
Jimmy Johns, Papa Johns, Chick-Fil-A - it's true, terrible politics do coincide with terrible fucking food.
26
I see it more as a Jack Chick tract, you know those cheesy "Christian" comic book pamphlets?
Here are some parodies.
http://www.weirdcrap.com/chick/archive.h…
Here are some parodies.
http://www.weirdcrap.com/chick/archive.h…
27
If you are not willing to pay an extra 50 cents per sandwich so that thousands of people who work low paying, shitty jobs can have basic health insurance, you are a horrible person. Full stop.
Not to mention it is a canard anyway.
Not to mention it is a canard anyway.
28
@14, that criticism has been exquisitely tweaked:
...Jimmy John’s grew by attaching itself to the Illinois public university system, which, of course, is funded by taxes paid to the state of Illinois. That explains why Liautaud has six restaurants and a corporate headquarters in Champaign.
If Jimmy John’s had started as an off-campus offshoot of a private college, such as Knox, or Olivet Nazarene, he’d have more credibility as an anti-government crusader. But those little schools wouldn’t have delivered the customer base that Jimmy John’s needed to thrive. There are some big projects the government still does best. Like creating large communities of young people who help young entrepreneurs get rich.
29
As a Christian, I think this is spot on. And I'm not so sure Jesus wouldn't use language like that if he got angry enough.
30
Damn. I wish Christians actually had to deal with that guy on an everyday basis.
(I wonder if I could get the local franchise for the Temple of Thor?)
(I wonder if I could get the local franchise for the Temple of Thor?)
31
I tried to follow The Peter on Twitter a while back, but the sheer depths of his stupidity was almost as miraculous as immaculate conception. It was just too depressing, so I gave up.
33
"Jimmy Johns, Papa Johns, Chick-Fil-A - it's true, terrible politics do coincide with terrible fucking food. "
Jimmy Johns is indeed bad.
Papa Johns is merely mediocre. They at least have a few novelty pizzas that no one else does.
Chick fil a is genuinely good and well run, just a pity that it's own by aholes.
Jimmy Johns is indeed bad.
Papa Johns is merely mediocre. They at least have a few novelty pizzas that no one else does.
Chick fil a is genuinely good and well run, just a pity that it's own by aholes.
34
And Thor is all like, "What do I want with a worshipper who can't even BRING THOR THOR'S CHIPS?!"
35
Yes, I remember that part in scripture. The part where Jesus explained that it was the duty of Christians to elect officials who would force everyone to take care of their neighbors! At least then they don't need to worry about actually choosing to do the right thing on their own!
36
Well played. If your new book is half as funny as this, I'll be in line as soon as it hits the local bookstores.
38
@35: What about the part where Jesus tells people that one's religious duty and civic duty should be disjoint? Yanno, render unto blah blah blah?
39
@15:
No, he didn't say that Obamacare will cost *you* $0.50 a sandwich, he said it will cost *him* $0.50 a sandwich.
And that's an exact quote. Now you see why he rages against health care reform.
No, he didn't say that Obamacare will cost *you* $0.50 a sandwich, he said it will cost *him* $0.50 a sandwich.
And that's an exact quote. Now you see why he rages against health care reform.
40
This is actually a good paraphrase of the message in Matthew 18: 21-35, the parable of the unforgiving servant. Way to know your Bible, Dan!
41
I tell you what... I've been a good Jimmy John's customer over the years. This shit makes me think maybe they don't need my money. Which sucks, because I tip the progressive lefty bike delivery guy handsomely since he has to deliver to a mental health residence.
42
Scene 2: The Thor worshippers get pissed at Peter too and tell him to get lost. Thor stood / stands for many things, but he doesn't generally approve of people being assholes.
43
@42: Thor most certainly approves of people being assholes (a lot of the time he is one himself) as long as he's allowed to hit them with Mjölnir when their asshole-ness upsets him.
44
As a Norse Heathen and worshipper of Thor. I'm going to take a wild guess and say our pantheon doesn't want this guy, either
45
A once a month Jimmy Johns customer here. Never again.
And chucklingabit@35: "The part where Jesus explained that it was the duty of Christians to elect officials who would force everyone to take care of their neighbors!" Guess what, you asshole. This "Christian" nation, and especially the Bible belt, and most especially the buckle on the Bible belt, doesn't give a fuck about its neighbors. That's why we need Medicaid and Medicare and the Voting Rights Act and Obamacare. Because those self-righteous, bigoted shitheads didn't and don't give a god-damn about their neighbors. Show me a county with a lot of churches, and I'll show you a county with a shitload of poverty and misery.
Now maybe you'd like to point me to a Jesus-loving part of the country (hell, any Jesus-loving part of the WORLD) where there's actually LESS poverty and misery. I'd like to see that.
And chucklingabit@35: "The part where Jesus explained that it was the duty of Christians to elect officials who would force everyone to take care of their neighbors!" Guess what, you asshole. This "Christian" nation, and especially the Bible belt, and most especially the buckle on the Bible belt, doesn't give a fuck about its neighbors. That's why we need Medicaid and Medicare and the Voting Rights Act and Obamacare. Because those self-righteous, bigoted shitheads didn't and don't give a god-damn about their neighbors. Show me a county with a lot of churches, and I'll show you a county with a shitload of poverty and misery.
Now maybe you'd like to point me to a Jesus-loving part of the country (hell, any Jesus-loving part of the WORLD) where there's actually LESS poverty and misery. I'd like to see that.
46
@45: Truth. In response to your challenge, I first thought of Italy, which is reasonably nice, and has better government safety nets for its people than the US (unsustainable though they may be in its current economic state), but compared to, say, Norway? No contest.
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