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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Yes We Can!

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Sep 27, 2012 at 11:18 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published March 12, 2009:

I'm 21, female, and pretty experienced. The guy I'm dating now is 23 and a virgin. I'd really like to avoid some of the awkwardness that I'm sure is going to arise, seeing as I'm his first. (And has arisen—the first time we attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn't stay hard; he also thought he was "in" when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I'm at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make this less awkward for both of us?

First Isn't Really Sexy Time

My response after the jump...

Mess around a few times—at least a half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu, ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he's seen that, yes, his dick does work—yes we can get hard, yes we can stay hard, yes we can blow a load with a woman in the room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you're going to do before you get started, tell him what you're doing while you're doing it, and then you can tell him when he's "in" instead of letting him guess.

And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out there and the people who are about to fuck some sense into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi; young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences. The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving, hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at once—and knowing that everyone's first time is awkward, and that some folks' first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn't hurt you to be reminded of those things, either.

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The cat doesn't look impressed. Big kitty!!!

Posted by Sean Kinney

on September 27, 2012 at 11:35 AM

Hold up didn't know he wasn't in? Does he not watch porn, could work as a how too guide

Posted by Seattle14 on September 27, 2012 at 11:44 AM

I think I wrote once before that it's such a shame that people are doomed to always remember the first time they had sex. It's so much less useful than remembering the last time you had sex. All this emphasis on virginity and loss of virginity is a waste. It would be nice to be able to replace that memory with something more useful, like, the best time you had sex, maybe.

Posted by Urgutha Forka on September 27, 2012 at 11:55 AM

@3 agreed, that would be much better.

There's nothing wrong with grabbing your boy's dick and guiding him in.

Posted by moosefan on September 27, 2012 at 12:03 PM

He's probably just a Packers fan rehashing the scab ref fiasco, and cannot concentrate. Find somebody with an above-room-temperature IQ to fuck.

Posted by Karlheinz Arschbomber

on September 27, 2012 at 2:44 PM

As the author of The Virgin Project, I must say you make some very fine points. Comics based on the best sex you ever had would make some mighty fine reading. Unfortunately, these stories are based on self-reporting. A best-sex comic would quickly devolve into a game of one-upsmanship among the contributors. I'm not interested in fairy tales. I'm interested in what really happens in the bedroom. If anyone can devise a way to have a "best sex" book that's honest, I'm all ears. Contact me at thevirginproject@gmail.com or on Facebook. - KD Boze

Posted by kdboze on September 27, 2012 at 11:27 PM

As the author of "The Virgin Project," I feel compelled to reply.
You make some very valid points, bloggers. A comic book based on the best sex you've ever had would make some mighty fine reading.
Unfortunately, these stories are based on self-reporting. If I were to start interviewing people about the BEST sex they've ever had, I'm worried that it would quickly devolve into a game of one-upsmanship among the contributors. I'm not interested in fairy tales. I want to hear what really happens in the bedroom.
If you can devise a way to have a best-sex comic book based on the truth, I'm all ears. Contact me at thevirginproject@gmail.com or see "The Virgin Project" on Facebook. I'd love to hear from you.
Incidentally, I'll be at Arts Crush on Monday at the Center for Wooden Boats. We'll be collecting more first-time stories, and I'll be giving a short lecture about how the book got started. Pop in and say hi.
--K.D.Boze, "The Virgin Project"

Posted by kdboze on September 27, 2012 at 11:40 PM

Now this is how I would want a woman to take my virginity. First lots of kissing. Than a little strip tease while he watches from the bed. Than pull his close off, all the time telling him how you are going to fuck his brains out. Lay on top of him and slide down and give him a nice sucking. Pull him down a little bit on the bed and climb up and have him suck your tits. Next....crawl up more and rub your pussy in his face and tell him how much you want his tongue inside you. By than he should be harder that a rocket. Slide back down & hump his rod with your lubed lips than slowly...... back down on top of his penis and very slowly, slide it in, inch by inch. Pull your self back off and lick that dick asking him if he wants it again inside or more licking and sucking. Once he's ready, slide yourself back on his dick and grab him with your vaginal muscles while kissing him and telling him how great it feels having him inside. That's when you should start the slow motion of fucking him. Once he blasts away, tell him what a big hunk of man he is and how you want him to take charge next time. If you haven't come, give him a treat and mastrubate in front of him. That just might get him hard again. If so, let him take you doggie style. Ahhhhhhhhh do I remember those days.

Posted by Bondsman51 on September 28, 2012 at 10:36 AM

I do agree that watching porn is almost like watching an instructional video for sex. In my experience it has helped to get an idea of what women like and what I like/want to do to them. However, depending on the person your with and yourself, your first time is still going to be awkward because it is an entirely different experience and feeling from masturbation (not to mention you have somebody intently staring at you most of the time lol). It would have been nice if mine had been like what Dan describes.

Ultimately I believe it is actually up to both people being compatable and understanding with each other for the sex to be good at all. No matter the beliefs or emphasis put on virginity most people will always remember their first time simply because it is really a life changing event, even more so if you are able (willingly or otherwise) to hold out long enough to meet the person that is right for you.

Posted by Flint Westwood on September 28, 2012 at 11:25 AM

Heh that is pretty hot Bonds...

Posted by Flint Westwood on September 28, 2012 at 11:36 AM

@9 > I do agree that watching porn is almost like watching an instructional video for sex. In my experience it has helped to get an idea of what women like >

Hahahahahahahahaha

Are you serious? Most porn shows what men like. If you want to know what a specific woman would actually enjoy, ask her what she likes, and ask her to show you how she masturbates.

Posted by EricaP on September 28, 2012 at 1:26 PM

@11
I didn't say which kind of porn and I did not say that I haven't asked. Like you said most porn, not all.

Posted by Flint Westwood on September 28, 2012 at 5:16 PM

Who is selecting these reruns and what is supposed to be the theme - A for Appropriation?

Posted by vennominon on September 28, 2012 at 6:09 PM

Heh, I was this girl when I was 19 with my 24-year-old virgin boyfriend. I was really glad that I'd had enough experience to know how to deal with nervous dick: reassure him that it's no big deal, because it will come back. Also, force him to tell you what it is that's making him so nervous. With mine, he'd offered me an open relationship because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to have me at all with a closed one. He was super nervous his first time because he was afraid that if he didn't satisfy me, I'd get satisfied elsewhere. I don't really count that experience as his first time, to be honest. I just took the open thing off the table and talked it out with him while cuddling. The next day, I used morning wood to my advantage. He wasn't all that good at it for the first month or so (came too early), but once he got used to it, he got a lot better.

Personally, I think people need to accept that sex has an element of awkwardness with any new person. You're always going to go through a trying-out stage in which you figure out what positions do and don't work. It's really not all that different with a virgin, except you have to accept that you're going to play teacher.

Posted by alguna_rubia on September 30, 2012 at 12:38 PM