I'm sick. I've gotten about eight hours of sleep, total, over the last three nights, so I'm feeling quite like a zombie. On my way back home (because I'm not about to drag my germs into the office) from getting coffee this morning, I passed a guy who looked like a Dane Cook clone on the street, pushing a little car stroller thing, walking slowly down the sidewalk with his kid, who looked to be about one.

The kid was cute. I was looking more at him because he was smiling at me. It looked like he was going to try to say something or show me something. I bet it was going to be adorable.

I made brief eye contact with the guy and he barely mumbled hello under his breath. I smiled back, then looked at his kid and smiled bigger, then the kid turned away so I kept walking. Two seconds later the man mumbled loudly, in a disgusted tone, something about Seattlites not saying hello.

I turned around. "What was that?" I asked.

He said, defensively, "You Seattleites, you never say hello."

"I smiled..." I offered, and he cut me off. "That's good, I guess, for a New Yorker."

I just stared at him, assuming he was going to walk away. But he didn't walk away. He stood there, looking at me like he needed an explanation or an apology for my inadequate response to his insincere hello.

"You Seattleites all have a stick up your butt," he continued. "I'm not talking just about you, but all of you."

I kept staring. I was in awe that a stranger would be so demanding of another stranger over something so inconsequential, and then not only criticize that person but then tell them that they "have a stick up their butt." I wanted to yell back "How do you know I'm not from New York? How dare you take out your issues with this city on me! I don't owe you anything simply because you said hello! Fuck you!"

He looked at his kid, who stood there wobbling on the sidewalk because his head is still too heavy for his body, "We're moving back to Portland."

"YOU SHOULD," I said, as meanly as I could, nearly offering to pack his fucking bags. I wanted to say something about how maybe it's not that Seattlites are rude, but maybe just rude to him because he's an asshole who demands strangers meet his requirements without knowing a single fucking thing about who they are, where they are in their life, what kind of day they're having...

"We will," he said, turning to walk away.

His kid waved goodbye. It was adorable. I really hope that kid grows up to be cooler than his fucker of a father.