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Thursday, September 20, 2012

Life / History Lindy West's Guide To America!

Posted by David Schmader on Thu, Sep 20, 2012 at 11:36 AM

AARON BAGLEY

As featured in this week's Back to School guide:

The Pacific Northwest

Mascot: A dude named Jeff (he has a band).

Motto: "Hey, you should check out my band."

Main attractions: Kurt Cobain's house (Seattle), Bruce Lee's grave (Seattle), Crater Lake (Oregon), Space Needle (Seattle), whales (the ocean), that one vegan place with the kale chips (Portland).

This is that damp, green place up in the corner. The Pacific Northwest is the nation's leading exporter of trees, airplanes, vegans, software, serial killers, suicide bridges, polar fleece, octopus attacks, coffee-related smugness, bands, sad white people, sad white people in bands, and owls. All the stereotypes about the Pacific Northwest are both true and untrue. You will hear that it rains a lot—it does, but it rains more in Miami. You will hear that the people are passive-aggressive and cold—some are, but others aren't, because THAT'S HOW PEOPLE WORK. You will hear that everyone is always drinking a latte—FALSE, nobody drinks lattes. Normal people drink Americanos. You will hear that Washington and Oregon are both run by puppet governments controlled by Sasquatch. Yeah, that's actually true. Oregon has no sales tax. Washington has Dave Matthews. The eastern halves of both states are exact replicas of Wyoming.

Read the whole thing—including the funniest joke you'll ever hear about Delta Burke being chased by an alligator—here.