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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Selfless Little People-Pleaser

Posted by on Wed, Sep 19, 2012 at 12:46 PM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published Oct 1, 2009:

Two of my closest friends, a straight couple, recently got engaged. As an engagement present, my female friend would like to include me in their sex life, potentially for just one evening or perhaps for longer. She and I have had a few make-out sessions while her fiancé watched, and I am somewhat turned on by the idea of taking our escapades further. But there's a catch: I'm currently seeing someone who says he doesn't consider hypothetical situations like this to be "cheating" but would probably be uncomfortable if I actually did this for my friends. Should I tell my friends I can't go any further out of respect for his feelings, or tell him that the situation is no longer hypothetical and risk making him uncomfortable, or help my friends out on the condition that it only happens once and not tell him at all?

Toying With A Third

My response after the jump...

Well aren't you the selfless little people-pleaser, TWAT. You're willing to sleep with this couple—maybe once, maybe weekly—even though you're only "somewhat turned on by the idea." But if you "did this for [your] friends"—if you condescended to help them out—what do you tell the man you're currently seeing? You could tell him the truth, of course, which would be the right thing, the responsible thing, the ethical thing—but that might make him uncomfortable, poor dear. So you hesitate. Oh, not out of selfish desire to avoid an awkward conversation, of course, just out of an overabundance of concern for his feelings.

Sorry, TWAT, since your boyfriend has already given you his hypothetical okay to get with your friends, there's no way to justify making an engagement present of yourself without informing him in advance. And let's be honest, shall we? Your reluctance to inform the boyfriend isn't about a selfless desire to spare his feelings, but your cowardly desire to avoid an awkward conversation and—if he balks at this hypothetical becoming a reality—a potentially relationship-ending conversation.

But before you can be honest with the boyfriend, TWAT, you're going to need to be honest with yourself. Repeat after me: "Honey, remember that couple, my insanely hot friends? They've asked me to have a three-way with them and I want to so bad my ovaries are throbbing—that cool with you?"


Comments (9) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
@1 & 2: You know you're stalking and possibly harrassing a guy that was solicited for his advice, right? And if you don't like Dan Savage, stop reading Dan Savage's column.
Posted by The fag on September 19, 2012 at 1:36 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 6
Please don't feed the troll. He has a crush on Dan.
Posted by OutInBumF on September 19, 2012 at 2:11 PM · Report this
Bonefish 7
OOH the "creepy haiku" troll! Haven't read anything from him in quite some time...
Posted by Bonefish on September 19, 2012 at 2:28 PM · Report this
I dunno, some of us really are are more driven by the urge to please than by the particulars of the proposed acts. If you're torn between pleasing a friends and pleasing your boyfriend, it might be time to consider whether you're sexually submissive. And then bring that to the table, with your boyfriend and any other sexual partners you might have.

Posted by EricaP on September 19, 2012 at 2:43 PM · Report this
What specifically about the situation makes your boyfriend uncomfortable, especially in light of the fact that he doesn't regard it as cheating, per se? Have you asked him that? Seems to me his answer to that question should go a long way to inform your decision-making.

How would he feel if he was invited along? That ought to tell you some interesting things. What if they say "No, thanks" to that, and he feels bad about being left out, and you want to do it anyway to please them, even at the expense of him feeling bad? That tells you some interesting things about your own priorities and loyalties.

One thing is clear: simply not telling him would be a bad idea, even for a one-time event. This sort of thing will come out eventually, and if he finds out you hid it from him, that will whisper all manner of bad things in his ear about your relationship. I don't know how his logic about it not being cheating works, but in my book, knowing that something would make your partner unhappy and doing it anyway behind their back is pretty much the definition of cheating. You run a much greater danger of it blowing up by keeping it secret.

And yes, I agree with Dan: from the tone of your letter you are pretty seriously (and transparently) downplaying your own interest at the moment. That isn't going to be helpful in figuring out what to do, nor in good faith discussions with Boyfriend on how to proceed.

(once again, seeing as this is three years old news, wanting to know how it all turned out. Calling Letter Writer...)
Posted by avast2006 on September 19, 2012 at 3:45 PM · Report this
I don't think that I have ever actually felt my ovaries throb, no matter how randy I was. Am I missing out? Has anyone experienced that?
Posted by Lady of Eagle Lake on September 19, 2012 at 8:06 PM · Report this
persimmon 11
@10 dude, all the time. Throbbing away.
Posted by persimmon on September 19, 2012 at 8:26 PM · Report this
The other thing I wonder about this is whether Blissful Horny Engaged Couple even know about Letter Writer's boyfriend at all?

A) If not, why not? It doesn't speak too highly of your opinion of Boyfriend or your relationship with him, that people who know you intimately don't even know about him. Why are you keeping Boyfriend under wraps? Ashamed to be seen with him? Or is he just inconvenient?

B) If they do know, why aren't they inquiring into his take on the matter themselves? That wouldn't speak too highly of them for conspicuously not giving a shit about your significant other, and it doesn't speak highly of you that you would go along with that.
Posted by avast2006 on September 20, 2012 at 1:33 AM · Report this
Dan, it's generally not our ovaries that get a-throbbin' when the mood strikes. We have this fun bunch of nerve endings called a clit....... you.
Posted by TheOtherWoman on September 20, 2012 at 11:54 AM · Report this

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