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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

A Critical Overview of The Stranger

Posted by on Wed, Sep 19, 2012 at 9:00 AM

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We're observing Slog silence from now until 11 a.m. while we have an editorial meeting, but look—we made an entire paper's worth of stuff for you! Here's what Mitt Romney has to say.

Okay, according to my church's elders, you've got maybe one out of every 60,000 people who is homosexual. By my math, that means there are almost 5,200 homosexuals in the United States today. I hear this newspaper is awfully popular with the homosexuals, and I'm not going to leave any votes on the table in this election. I'm going to try to go after every vote.

I mean, I'm going to go after every vote except for the 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That—that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what.

And I mean, the president starts off with 49, 49... he starts off with a huge number. I can't keep track. But I bet those 5,000 homosexuals are thirsty for change. So hello. Hello, homosexuals. I recently discovered that you have families, somehow? Good for you! We can fix that—that gay stuff later. For now, I'm telling you what you're looking at in this newspaper. I just love the smell of newsprint, don't you? You can tell that the trees were just the right amount of pulped when you smell a fresh sheet of newsprint.

Unfortunately, this isn't—isn't the kind of material that I generally like to look at. There's something about coal trains that's not very nice at all. Coal trains bring energy to America. And besides, coal is clean now. Next?

I see that there's something about arenas in here. I like arenas. I was just in an arena not so long ago. I gave a speech, came from the back of the arena and walked to the front, shaking hands all the way. Did you see that? Boy, that was something. That was neat.

And then there's a whole back-to-school guide for the kiddies. (I still can't get over that you people have families. Families! Like you're—you're normal or something. Hoot and a half!) One of the things that's frustrating to me: In a typical day like this, when I do three or four guest columns like this, the number of back-to-school questions I get is between zero and one. And the American people are not concentrated at all on office supplies. Did you know that I created Staples? That is a true fact. You know Staples. Those red polo shirts. Iconic. I invented those. Well, I told someone that polo shirts were the way to go. Red. They had—had to be red. Not weak. Strong. Like me, like my campaign. Like—like Ann. You're not sick of her yet, are you? No? Just like Ann. She's my wife. God bless America.

 

Comments (3) RSS

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MacCrocodile 1
Let me be the first to say: OMG did you really get Mitt Romney to write a column for you? Is this for real?
Posted by MacCrocodile http://maccrocodile.com/ on September 19, 2012 at 9:36 AM · Report this
Pick1 2
Pulling out the Romney so early? I'd bet dimes to dollars he fucks up worse in the next 5 weeks than he did this week and you will think "damnit we wasted our Romney Critical Overview on that one gaff in September."

That being said. I laughed.
Posted by Pick1 on September 19, 2012 at 10:24 AM · Report this
Will in Seattle 3
Why do you hate Vets, Mittens?
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on September 19, 2012 at 10:34 AM · Report this

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