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Monday, September 17, 2012

Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Good Gay Guys

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Sep 17, 2012 at 10:51 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published Aug 20, 2009:

I'm 35, gay, and in a six-year relationship. My husband—not really, but I call him that anyway—is 38, and we have a great relationship. We have been monogamous up till now but are open to inviting select others into our bed. This was prompted by a friend we recently made whom we both find attractive and who has expressed an interest in us both. He is 24, cute, and just starting out in Gaydom. We don't expect anything long-term, just a nice, mellow friend-with-benefits scenario.

Any suggestions as to issues we might want to discuss up front?

Good Gay Guys

My response after the jump...

Tell the 24-year-old not to expect anything long-term, GGG, and let him know that while you will be treating him like a piece of meat, you will also be treating him like a human being. Make sure he understands that his presence in your lives—and your bed—is meant to be fun and temporary. You two get to spice it up with some strange; he gets to benefit from your wisdom, experience, and cocks. And tell him that while he'll have a blast with you two, he shouldn't pass on a date with a potential boyfriend—but so long as you three are friends-with-benefiting-it-up, you would like to be informed about any other sexual contacts he might have.

Then show him the ropes, teach him about sexual safety, encourage him to open up to you guys about anything he's ever wanted to try, help him find his place in Gaydom, and when it comes to an end—as it will and should—make an effort to remain friends.

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Comments (12) RSS

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Especially important, IMHO, to emphasize that it's temporary, since someone new to Gaydom might harbor the natural insecurities that could leave him feeling rejected when it's over. If you let him know that it's going to end before it even starts, he'll know not to take it personally when you're done. And yes, do make extra effort to remain friends afterward. Campsite rule!

Posted by Michael of the Green on September 17, 2012 at 11:10 AM

wow!

maybe you guys could all get married?

oh, nevermind.....

Posted by SecondClassFaggots on September 17, 2012 at 11:39 AM

My husband and I've started referring to this scenario as "getting a puppy".

Posted by The fag on September 17, 2012 at 12:57 PM

> so long as you three are friends-with-benefiting-it-up, you would like to be informed about any other sexual contacts he might have.

He should tell them if he is having sex with other people (though they'd be wise to presume that is the case) -- and the GGGs should likewise tell him if either of them has sex with anyone else.

Posted by EricaP on September 17, 2012 at 1:26 PM

You're both in your mid- to late thirties and now you want a youngster in the sack. How typical is that?

Posted by Bauhaus I on September 17, 2012 at 3:39 PM

I would say something, but I looked at the previous column and I'm fuming over all the homophobia (about as witty as Mrs Bennet) in the comments.

I really suspect separatism is the only answer.

Posted by vennominon on September 17, 2012 at 3:39 PM

@3, love the name you guys came up with.

Wonder how this played out for the letter writer in the past three years.

Posted by Brashion on September 17, 2012 at 7:49 PM

@6- Please- turn off unregistered comments. That guy (yes only one) has a crush on Dan.

Posted by OutInBumF on September 18, 2012 at 12:07 AM

@8 - He does. It's sad.

@2 - I love you troll - please stop hating yourself for being gay and taking it out on a group of strangers. It's very transparent and really, all you're doing is making yourself miserable.

Posted by smajor82 on September 18, 2012 at 5:13 AM

what would our many fans do if we went away?

really, now....

Posted by Think Before You Hit Return People..... on September 18, 2012 at 5:45 AM

Mr Out - No, no - trolls are trolls; the registered comments were quite bad enough, indeed worse, allowing for perspective.

Posted by vennominon on September 18, 2012 at 7:46 AM

"Campfire rules"! Dan, it's time to replay the "campfire rules" column of a few years ago. I've followed that advice with my young friend the hockey player and it's been great!

Posted by Alaska Griz on September 18, 2012 at 11:09 AM