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Friday, September 14, 2012

A (Birth) Day in the Life of an Idaho Native

Posted by on Fri, Sep 14, 2012 at 2:44 PM

How I learned to make friends and influence people.
  • Stranger
  • How I learned to make friends and influence people.
Sometimes people ask me, "Cienna, why are you such a fucking freak?"

A birthday package recently mailed to me by a family member from my beloved home state of Idaho provides some insight. In the package, wrapped up in newspapers from 1993, I found:

· Two decks of used playing cards
· One can of pink lady mace
· Five pounds of homemade beef jerky/pepperoni sticks
· Two tripod camping chairs
· One electric knife sharpener
· One rainbow kite
· One 50-cent coin
· Empty bullet casings
· One blank birthday card, no interior message
· Fireworks!

This is not weird. It is, essentially, a Baby Bunker Starter Kit™ meant to prepare me for the Great Race War my uncles love gabbing about. And while I still haven't picked a side for the Great Race War (there are so many to choose from!), I cherish my knife and kite collections. And macing people. So if you need me this afternoon, I'll be in Cal Anderson, lighting off fireworks while sharpening my knives.

 

Comments (34) RSS

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1
don't waste those fireworks.

you can use them for an abortion in case you ever can't find a Physician sworn to Do No Harm to murder your baby for 300 bucks.....
Posted by also the knife sharpener would work on your fangs, probably on September 14, 2012 at 2:51 PM · Report this
2
How I love this!
Posted by gloomy gus on September 14, 2012 at 2:52 PM · Report this
ScienceNerd 3
If you bring the jerky, I'll be there!
Posted by ScienceNerd http://stanichium.tumblr.com/ on September 14, 2012 at 2:57 PM · Report this
Baby Blue 4
Cienna,

Happy birthday!

On a mostly unrelated note, I'll be traveling to Boise on business Monday. Do you have any packing/ preparation suggestions so I can be sure to be ready for the race war?

Thanks,
Baby Blue
Posted by Baby Blue on September 14, 2012 at 3:01 PM · Report this
5
4

blackface.
Posted by hahaha..... on September 14, 2012 at 3:04 PM · Report this
Cascadian Bacon 6
@4
I would recommend a gas operated semi-automatic carbine in an intermediate caliber and a minimum of 6 loaded magazines.
Posted by Cascadian Bacon on September 14, 2012 at 3:10 PM · Report this
raawr 7
I'm a displaced Seattle native who received a not-nearly-so-odd birthday package yesterday... It did contain Mariners socks, Sounders socks and completely unbranded (but look like) "Sonics" socks.

Also, unfilled mylar balloons, which I'll attribute to the helium shortage (and not the ease of mailing).
Posted by raawr on September 14, 2012 at 3:12 PM · Report this
venomlash 8
@4: A copy of the White Album.
Posted by venomlash on September 14, 2012 at 3:12 PM · Report this
TVDinner 9
@7: What? No Birkenstocks to wear with your socks?
Posted by TVDinner http:// on September 14, 2012 at 3:17 PM · Report this
Hernandez 10
Today is my birthday. If someone were to give me five pounds of homemade jerky/pepperoni sticks, I would be over the moon. Your family might be crazy, but they are good gift givers.
Posted by Hernandez http://hernandezlist.blogspot.com on September 14, 2012 at 3:23 PM · Report this
raawr 11
@9 I already have Tevas...
Posted by raawr on September 14, 2012 at 3:23 PM · Report this
12
Empty shell casings? Do you own a reloading press? Are you planning on buying one?
Are the fireworks for celebrating your victory in the race war? I didn’t think it was supposed to be a race war, I thought that it was the UN who were going to force us all burn our bibles…

Stranger and stranger

If you want to join my side of the coming war, our plan is to just sit off shore on a box-boat and wait it out, the only requirement for joining is that you must like Whiskey, and have read at least two books by B. Traven and one by Carson McCullers.

Oh and Happy Birthday I assume your 23?
Posted by Merchant Seaman on September 14, 2012 at 3:28 PM · Report this
Pick1 13
Are you saying there are places in this country where this stuff isn't standard birthday fare?

Huh.

Sucks to be them.
Posted by Pick1 on September 14, 2012 at 3:30 PM · Report this
14
Everyone knows that electric knife sharpeners are no good after the Apocalypse! Besides, a whetstone can also be used to sharpen the ridiculously large machete made from a repurposed lawn mower blade too!
Posted by MemeGene on September 14, 2012 at 3:34 PM · Report this
MacCrocodile 15
I'll be there, too, sneaking up behind you and startling you. I've always wondered what the pink lady mace tastes like. Roses, I suspect.
Posted by MacCrocodile http://maccrocodile.com/ on September 14, 2012 at 3:35 PM · Report this
Lurleen 16
Score! I have always cherished (and used) the locking jack knife my auntie gave me for my birthday so many years ago. She always seemed to know just what a girl wanted.
Posted by Lurleen on September 14, 2012 at 3:37 PM · Report this
17
The best part is the "wrapped in newspapers from 1993".
Posted by MLM on September 14, 2012 at 3:39 PM · Report this
Pick1 18
I'm surprised by the lack of bible in the package.

Preferably with your name embossed in gold on the cover.
Posted by Pick1 on September 14, 2012 at 3:41 PM · Report this
Cienna Madrid 19
@4, you're safe in Boise if you stick to the North End/downtown area. It's where all the libruls and California transplants live.

If you have a car and want an adventure, I suggest driving to Parma or Wilder for a drink and then hit up the Rocky Mountain Fur and Fireworks Company for all your fur and fireworks needs.

http://www.rmfur.com/

@15, spicy roses, as a nod to my questionable Mexican heritage.

Posted by Cienna Madrid on September 14, 2012 at 3:44 PM · Report this
Baby Blue 20
@6 & 8 Thanks for the excellent suggestions!
Posted by Baby Blue on September 14, 2012 at 3:45 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 21
Sounds kinda like the survival kit from Dr. Strangelove

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5qqfsQGY…
Posted by Urgutha Forka on September 14, 2012 at 3:57 PM · Report this
Irena 22
You are the luckiest girl in the world. Your family rocks.

A friend and I like to compete for whose family gives the worst gifts. One year for Christmas he got a used TV remote (?!) and used (yes, used) socks. That put him in the lead for awhile. Then, for my college graduation, I got a giant, ugly green piggy-bank ("I figure you're going to need it") and a Christmas-themed dancing Snoopy (it was springtime) that was not only broken and didn't dance (thank god, really), but whose Santa-hat had been chewed up by a pet rat.

So, yeah. A kite and fireworks? Awesome.
Posted by Irena on September 14, 2012 at 4:27 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 23
I suppose it's funny that people in the whitest state in america think there's a coming race war.
Posted by Max Solomon on September 14, 2012 at 4:50 PM · Report this
Simone 24
"Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Spokane with all that stuff."
Posted by Simone on September 14, 2012 at 5:09 PM · Report this
Dr_Awesome 25
Cienna had me at the tale of visiting her grandpa and he exclaimed "Hi Cienna, I'd get up but I just shat myself!"

I cannot wait until I am old enough to use that on my descendants. Then I remember that I have none, and I am sad. Then I drink some whiskey and it's all better.

Oh, and what does "Questionable Mexican heritage" mean? Cienna may or may not be Mexican, or Cienna is Mexican, but said Mexican ancestors are of questionable morals?

Posted by Dr_Awesome on September 14, 2012 at 5:30 PM · Report this
26
Re the electric sharpener -- sharpen your knives now, and after the apocalypse you can employ them to acquire a non-electric sharpener. Problem solved.
Posted by RonK, Seattle on September 14, 2012 at 6:09 PM · Report this
27
Are those styrofoam packing peanuts? Cool!
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on September 14, 2012 at 7:40 PM · Report this
28
Maybe it's just me, but that birthday care package sounds pretty nice. As someone whom backpacks a lot, many of these things would be handy (cards, mace, beef jerky, tripod camping chairs, knife sharpener, kite.) You could use the card for tinder. I haven't a clue what to do with the empty casings. Maybe your grandpa hopes you grow up to be MacGyver? Happy birthday!
Posted by pussnboots on September 14, 2012 at 7:48 PM · Report this
Ernie1 29
@23, no shit.
Posted by Ernie1 on September 14, 2012 at 8:35 PM · Report this
venomlash 30
@27: Just need some lesbians in sweater vests now.
Posted by venomlash on September 14, 2012 at 9:53 PM · Report this
Lissa 31
Sorry I'm late, but happy, happy birthday!
Posted by Lissa on September 15, 2012 at 8:18 AM · Report this
south downtown 32
this explains a lot about you, Cienna! ;-)
Posted by south downtown on September 15, 2012 at 1:26 PM · Report this
Lissa 33
Wait, was that you last night? There were some mighty fireworks in the park and a great deal of woo hooing.
Posted by Lissa on September 16, 2012 at 12:50 PM · Report this
34
"Cienna," BABY - HANG WITH ME AND WE WILL BE ON THE SIDE OF HAIRY-CAUCASIAN MALES IN THE "Great Race War." LISTEN TO YOUR UNCLES; THEY ARE WISE MALES.

CHRISTOPHER ALLEN HORTON
Posted by CHRISTOPHER ALLEN HORTON on September 28, 2012 at 11:28 AM · Report this

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