by Dan Savage
on Tue, Sep 11, 2012 at 10:20 AM
I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan
My boyfriend and I have been together eight months. We love each other, and I see us spending our lives together. At least I did, until something he said a few days ago.
Long story short, for the last five months he's brought up marriage. Then a few days ago he informed me that he doesn't want a wedding. When I offered a small ceremony for immediate family and friends, he balked and said he's not even interested in a courthouse wedding. I asked if everything he'd said before was empty talk, and he said yes. He won't give me any better explanation. Oh, and this was two days after we decided I'd be moving in with him, and he still wants me to live with him even after dropping this bomb! Everyone I've talked to, including my therapist, said the equivalent of WTF?!?
Dan, can you decipher this male-ese for me?
Lady In A Relationship
My response after the jump...
You were discussing marriage at three months?
The fact that he would bring up marriage so early, and the fact that you didn't laugh in his face, disqualifies you both from obtaining a marriage license. (Okay, it doesn't—but it should.) Three months—eight months, sixteen months—is way too soon to be discussing marriage. Sure, you can allow yourself to be swept away by new love, you can crush out on each other, you can sheepishly admit that you've allowed yourself to daydream about marriage—so long as that admission is immediately followed by this statement: "But I realize it's way too soon to even think about it seriously..." But you absolutely, positively should NOT be making plans to marry, small ceremonies or large, courthouse or St. Paul's Cathedral, at eight fucking months; nor should you attempt to hold him—or anyone else—to a premature "commitment" to wed.
Your boyfriend doesn't have a bad case of "male-ese," LIAR, he has a good case of came-to-his-senses-ese. If you're lucky, the strain is contagious, perhaps sexually transmitted, and you'll soon be showing symptoms yourself.
And a bit of bonus advice: Get a therapist who doesn't believe that cashing your checks obligates him to tell you whatever idiot thing you want to hear.