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Monday, September 10, 2012

Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Shock and Ew

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Sep 10, 2012 at 11:14 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published June 11, 2009:

I am a 28-year-old straight woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months. Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch. The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality and was located where his buttcrack region was placed during the encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells like!

Okay, so the question: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! Is this normal for men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would like to be open and honest with him, but how do I even broach the subject?

I suspect that he knows that shit stains are an issue for him, because we were recently packing for a weekend trip and he got upset when I went to fold/pack his underwear. He wouldn't let me handle the undies because he didn't want me to "see any stains." I didn't think anything of it, assuming that he left occasional skid marks as some guys do, and I just made a joke about my period panties and moved on. But now I am annoyed. He should have realized what had happened when I blew him and at least tried to clean it up while I was sleeping or otherwise occupied.

Is pooping on the couch a deal breaker? Or can we be "cleaner" in the future and protect my bedding and furniture somehow?

Shit On Furniture Annoys Girl A Lot

My response after the jump...

Seeing as he's aware that he has a problem—he acknowledged as much when he kept his underwear out of your hands—this straight boy, at the very least, should've thought to spot-check your sofa after grinding his ass into it for the duration of that blowjob. But you have to take some responsibility, too, SOFAGAL. You encouraged this young man to plop his naked ass down on your sofa and proceeded to engage in the kinds of behaviors that would cause any man to (1) open his legs and (2) grind his ass into whatever he happened to be sitting on. And where bare asses are set, shit stains are always a possibility.

So I'd say you're both at fault, SOFAGAL. Knowing what he knows about his own ass, the boy should've eyeballed your sofa and discreetly cleaned up after himself. But, again, shit stains can happen when you allow a nude man to sit his bare ass on your sofa, SOFAGAL, and commence blowing him. If I may invoke/resurrect a Rumsfeldism: Prior to this incident, blowjob-related shit stains on the sofa were, for you, an unknown unknown—something you didn't know you didn't know—but in the wake of this incident, shit stains are now a known known. And knowing what you now know, SOFAGAL, you might consider placing a towel—might I suggest a beige one?—on any sofa that you invite this man, or any other man, to set his bare bottom on prior to blowing him.

Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject? With a sense of humor. Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite literally sometimes—and not just to men. Let him know that he tagged your sofa—try to smile when you say it—and then head to the nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some brown or beige bath towels. And come on, how bad can it really have been if you didn't notice when your nose was down there?

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And where bare asses are set, shit stains are always a possibility.

My experience is largely confined to women, so I have to ask the question this letter brought to mind the first time it was printed: Is there something about men's asses that I don't know?

Never known a woman to have skidmarks. Never had skidmarks myself. I have never in my life thought that plunking my or my partner's naked ass on furniture carried the risk of getting shit all over the upholstery. Unless we're doing some sort of anal play where things are going in and out of buttholes, the potential for shit doesn't factor into naked time unless somebody's on the toilet.

Do I live in some magical land of air-tight anuses and obsessive wipers?

Posted by Zuulabelle

on September 10, 2012 at 11:25 AM

@1 I had the same thoughts.

Posted by Philly on September 10, 2012 at 11:29 AM

@1 Women do tend to be a bit more hygienic with their underneath bits and there are some structural differences to consider when it comes to oral and sitting. Plus men probably tend more to eat things that tend to lead to the dreaded leaky farts.

That being said I have certainly seen shit stains on many lady undergarments, especially those that wind up in the crack. And its not like lady bits don't occasionally produce things that stain.

This poor guy probably has it worse than most, but so long as he's willing to put down a towel or give himself a pre-sex ass washing it shouldn't be a deal breaker. It's not like there are going to be less of these kinds of things as they get older. Part of sex is dealing with the fact that human bodies are pretty damn gross at times.

A chat with the doctor couldn't hurt as he may have something going wrong down there.

Posted by giffy on September 10, 2012 at 11:37 AM

It is SERIOUSLY NOT THAT DIFFICULT to never leave skidmarks, you guys.

Especially on the fucking couch.

Now let us never speak of this again.

Posted by balderdash

on September 10, 2012 at 11:41 AM

I have found that a simple dab of ordinary shampoo makes a shit stain disappear. Really. And come on, if you've never had a shit stain accident, count yourself lucky because one's a- comin.

Posted by Pope Peabrain on September 10, 2012 at 11:51 AM

Someday you may have elderly relatives in your home or car on a fairly regular basis, @1 & 2. Forewarned is forearmed.

Oh, let's start another long chain of motel/hotel horror stories, about how the chairs/sofas all-too-often have stains in the middle of the cushions that are far longer than they are wide, and have a weird left/right symmetry! And how the comforters always seem to have such migraine-inducing colors and designs that you couldn't possibly notice a stain *if* one was present! (Spoiler alert: I always use lots more towels than I actually need for drying off or lounging by the pool.)

Best non-motel story: a fit young lady in fluorescent green shorts and iPod running down the busiest street in the toniest neighborhood of San Diego. With a spreading vertical brown stain on her backside.

Posted by rob!

on September 10, 2012 at 11:51 AM

Learn to wipe your asses, and how to do it well. Unless I am seriously ill, I have never had a problem with skid marks. I just don't get it!

Posted by gttim on September 10, 2012 at 11:56 AM

Is it really so difficult to clean your butt? Especially if you know you're going to get naked with someone?

Posted by very bad homo on September 10, 2012 at 11:57 AM

TIL Dan Savage has beige poo

Posted by beef rallard on September 10, 2012 at 12:06 PM

PS: it's a lot more difficult to wipe totally clean with a hairy buttcrack, which is probably more common on guys than gals.

Posted by beef rallard on September 10, 2012 at 12:08 PM

this gal sounds a bit anal retentive....oh, i Crack myself up. so why the shit storm? the best sex is often messy, sweaty, loud, and smelly. has she never had sex on her period? theres a bit of mess coming in her future hopefully with other situations and bodily secretions ...sweat, cum, lube, wax, etc...just dont have sex on the finest linens, and keep banging and blowing away.

....so be polite and discreet and somewhat lighthearted in addressing this issue.

or better yet, freak the fuck out and berate him for this occurence. rub his nose in it and say 'bad puppy'.

Posted by Cassette tape fan on September 10, 2012 at 12:10 PM

I've never understood this, either.

Posted by hereiswheremynamegoes on September 10, 2012 at 12:16 PM

@10

PS: it's a lot more difficult to wipe totally clean with a hairy buttcrack, which is probably more common on guys than gals.

And that is why you should never rely on wiping alone, but always use water to clean your ass.

Posted by Registered European on September 10, 2012 at 12:37 PM

@13 While ideal, a through shower is not possible every time a guy drops a deuce. Moist ass wipes, etc can't really substitute.

Posted by WestSeven on September 10, 2012 at 12:46 PM

This is just plain bad hygiene, Dan's alternate universe aside. I've never understood men's reluctance to clean their asses- I guess they think it makes 'em gay or something. And so, many rely on their underwear to do the trick. This is made worse by parental units not teaching their sons to clean themselves, again for some crazy notion that mentioning such things might make their little boys gay?!?
I agree with @7 above- women don't seem to have nearly the trouble with this that guys do, but there is more sociatal pressure on young women to keep those parts clean. Plus- no one thinks that running a wash cloth over those parts is going to turn a young girl lesbian.

Posted by OutInBumF on September 10, 2012 at 12:47 PM

Thanks Dan. I didn't particularly like this letter the first time. I really didn't need the rerun. Why is it that the grossest ones are the ones I can never purge from my memory?

Posted by SeattleKim on September 10, 2012 at 12:50 PM

@16 Humans are gross. Get over it. Besides, didn't you ever have to spend part of your life cleaning baby poo? I sure have. It changes your perspective on a lot of things. Especially breathing.

Posted by Pope Peabrain on September 10, 2012 at 1:05 PM

@14, I think he/she's referring to the popularity of bidets in many countries outside the U.S.

Posted by rob!

on September 10, 2012 at 1:11 PM

@17. Yes. 3 kids. Didn't like it then, don't like it now. Of course I deal with it as needed, but adults should have the ability to clean their own asses. Somehow, I've managed to get through over 50 years of life without having to clean ass stains off the couch. Maybe I'm just lucky that way.

Posted by SeattleKim on September 10, 2012 at 1:11 PM

Why I wear only black underwear. It is not a hygiene issue, but one of unpredictable bowels.

Posted by Tor on September 10, 2012 at 1:18 PM

Straight guys are fucking sick. Seriously breeder-boys: clean your fucking asses! For the record if I smell a guy who is funky in that way "down there" they get kicked out of the house immediately.

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on September 10, 2012 at 1:25 PM

@18 I should have said shower, tub or bidet. In real life one cannot always avail themselves of those cleansing opportunities every time nature calls for a BM. I know I would not use a bidet at the office - they can't even keep the fridge clean at work. I'm not convinced the Japanese washlets would be through enough for the spontaneous BJ on a light couch, unless they have some sort of shit-seeking sensor.

Posted by WestSeven on September 10, 2012 at 1:28 PM

Seems like any ass stains around my place -- and they are few and far between -- follow mind blowing (gay) sex. We don't seem to care much after; clean up. That's all. And the cum mess is usually more of an issue anyway. Cum always ends up everywhere.....

Posted by ny Paul on September 10, 2012 at 1:45 PM

Do you all think that straight men with poor hygiene are really not cleaning their asses because they think that to do so will make them somehow gay? How does that work?

Can't they just be lazy?

Posted by nocutename on September 10, 2012 at 2:40 PM

I've always assumed skid-marks are due to bad wiping strategy. As stated above, guys are going to have more bum hair and have to be more careful. Wiping while standing up is a bad option; sitting down and leaning over pulls your cheeks apart and gives you better access. (Also, consider shaving your bum! It feels fantastic and makes running feel soooo much comfier IMHO.)

Posted by college dude from madison on September 10, 2012 at 2:57 PM

If wipes don't do the job, and you don't have a bidet, you can always keep a decorative-looking jug or teapot in the bathroom. Not obvious, and easily accessible for thorough cleansing over the toilet as needed. A guy I once met had a kind of handle-less teapot that was kept in his bathroom for precisely that purpose. Apparently, it is traditional implement in his culture, and no bathroom is considered hygienic without one because washing after defaecation is just considered necessary.

Posted by Megaera on September 10, 2012 at 3:15 PM

Yes, let's all construct what could be a symptom of a medical condition (mild Crohn's disease, IBS, etc.) as a personal failing (failure to wipe properly) based on pure speculation. Good job on universalizing your own experiences, Sloggers! While we're at it, I'm sure sexist and racist discrimination is just a myth in the minds of people with persecution complexes; they'd do fine if they weren't so entitled and lazy. Vote Romney 2012!

Posted by John Horstman on September 10, 2012 at 3:21 PM

Maybe he just wanted to tell you that you gave a shitty blowjob.

Posted by The Beatles on September 10, 2012 at 4:17 PM

@27,

A conscientious person with IBS either wouldn't receive a blowjob naked on upholstered furniture or would, at minimum, double-check to make sure there were no accidents after the fact. The dude is gross, regardless of any diseases he may be suffering from.

Posted by keshmeshi on September 10, 2012 at 4:34 PM

It is entirely possible to wipe until the paper comes away quite clean, then for some reason (I don't know, sweating?) still need to go back for additional cleanup later. If she had to smell it to make sure, it pretty clearly was a pretty light streak.

Wet cleanup does a way better job than dry paper. Use baby wipes. If they dry out because someone left the package open, wet one in the sink before use. (Or use a washcloth, if you are feeling ecological.)

Oh, and what Dan said. Fucking relax already, and put down a damn towel next time. In case you hadn't noticed, sex is messy. If it hadn't been shit, it might just as easily have been come that dripped or got smeared somewhere it shouldn't. Next time it might be you with your ass on the couch, smearing vaginal juice, or lube, or blood, or yes, sweat mixed with a slight residue of shit.

Posted by avast2006 on September 10, 2012 at 7:29 PM

Reusable Bedpads - 34x36 in, absorbs 1800cc http://amzn.com/B0002DMPFS

Cheap, washable, folds flat. Take them on vacation, use them during messy sex, or when you're on hard to clean furniture. Great for period sex. We own three of them :-)

Posted by wxPDX on September 10, 2012 at 11:06 PM

And these:
Cottonelle Flushable Moist Wipes, 20 each http://amzn.com/B002CNPPXK

These are the individual ones to take with you ( they'll fit in most wallets).

Posted by wxPDX on September 10, 2012 at 11:13 PM

@14, see @26. A simple bottle also works nicely, that's what I use.
My routine:

1. wipe with toilet paper until clean according to "Western standards".
2. sit on toilet, ass pointing backwards (think weightlifter stance), pour water in asscrack, while rubbing ass with other hand.
3. Pat ass dry with toilet paper.
4. Wash hands.

Perhaps this gives you the impression that I would get shit all over my hands -- I don't. Remember, my ass is already "officially clean" before I start the water treatment at the point where other people pull up their pants.

Posted by Registered European on September 10, 2012 at 11:47 PM

What @27 said. If the guy is young enough he may not be aware yet that it's possibly some type of medical condition -- only something to be terribly embarrassed about.

Yes, I've had to deal with that scenario before. If y'all have never, ever dealt with shit stains, just count yourselves lucky and be prepared for some time in the future. For yourself, a partner, or other loved one.

And ease up on the righteousness, yo.

Posted by BEG

on September 11, 2012 at 9:37 AM

@30: While sex is messy, I personally don't feel that vaginal juice, come, sweat, or even blood are "gross". I'm willing to lick up vaginal juice, swallow come, lick someone sweaty, and I do like the taste of blood (though I probably wouldn't lick period blood- too clumpy). But piss and shit? They're gross. Maybe some people think that all bodily excretions are equal, but I certainly don't.

Posted by alguna_rubia on September 11, 2012 at 10:37 AM

If the concept of skidmarks is less common in women's underwear, well, one reason could be that it's not merely an issue of obsessive or dainty hygiene. Considering the fact that women's plumbing is so closely situated, it's VERY easy to come down with a UTI simply from not wiping properly (especially if you're experiencing GI tract problems and aren't at home to do a more thorough job). Believe me, you only need to endure one such infection to be far more thorough the next - and EVERY - time.

In any case, the man with the problem was an ASS as he wasn't willing to take any proactive measures to deal with it. Hiding underwear and pretending everything's okay is an immature response.

Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on September 11, 2012 at 10:47 AM

@35: Yes, yes, fine, but....smeared on the couch?

The point wasn't which ones are gross and which ones are delicious, the point was that sex, when used as directed, smears things all over the place. If she/they had had the sense to put down a towel in the first place, she probably wouldn't be nearly as bent out of shape about the whole thing. Cleaning it up off the upholstery has got to have a much higher "Oh, god damn it, gross!" factor than just tossing a dirty towel -- one that you fully expected to get soiled -- in the laundry.

Posted by avast2006 on September 11, 2012 at 10:58 AM

It's all about body hair. Guys commonly find as they get older that hair thins on the scalp but sprouts in less desirable spots (earlobes, nostrils, eyebrows, etc.) Well, it can also bloom (or thicken) in places you can't see when you look in the mirror -- back, butt, toes, etc. If you find yourself needing to trim ear and nostril bristles, you might also do with a little judicious bum-shaving. After a little practice with a disposable razor, keeping things smooth back there can become part of your daily routine, greatly reducing the chance of skiddy residue.

Posted by Jim A on September 12, 2012 at 2:02 PM