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Monday, September 10, 2012

Apple iPhone 5 Announcement Preview!

Posted by on Mon, Sep 10, 2012 at 10:45 AM

I've watched every iPhone announcement to date, so I think I've got a pretty good handle on them. I'm going to save you time now by running through the iPhone 5 announcement coming up on September 12th as if I'd already seen it, because I pretty much have.

Apple makes more money than you
All the announcements begin with a summary of how well the company is doing. Spoiler alert: very well. Then there's always a graph of some kind. Here's one.

apple_graph.jpg

The iPhone 5 finally revealed
The iPhone 5 will be an incredible, magical, fantasticalicious, scrumdidlyumptious piece of technology. It will be very, very different than the iPhone 4S. Tim will be holding it, but I'll just show you a picture.

iphone5.jpg

I KNOW! IT'S AMAZING! Note the continued use of rounded corners, something Apple invented and received a patent for several years ago.

More magical, physically impossible revelations after the jump!

Now with 4G
Besides the revolutionary new design, the biggest difference with the iPhone 5 is the advance from 3G to 4G Internet connectivity (a 33% increase in G). This feature really is a game changer. Nobody's ever had 4G in a phone before and they invented 4G so be prepared for them to tell you how cool 4G is now. It wasn't cool last year, when everybody else was using it, but now that they've invented it, it's awesome.

Superlatives
The longer the presentation goes, the bigger the superlatives. Last year they were quite fond of the word "magical" so to top it, I'm guessing they'll go with "physically impossible" this time around.

New headphones
The iPhone 5 will ship with completely different different headphones from previous iPhones. They look like the old ones, but this is completely new. These PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE headphones somehow transport sound from the phone directly into your ears.

new_earbuds.jpg
  • Courtesy Web Pro News

New cable
Apple is poised to revolutionize the world of phone-to-computer cables. No, it won't be micro USB, the connector that every other phone in the world has used for almost a decade to make people's life easier, and it won't be the old cable that you had before, it'll be a whole new totally unusable on anything else amazing cable!

One more thing
Maybe they'll announce that somebody actually used the iTunes social network Ping? Or that Apple TV has sold over a dozen units to date? Whatever it is, it'll be physically impossible.

 

Comments (26) RSS

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rob! 1
Huh.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on September 10, 2012 at 10:55 AM · Report this
Zebes 2
By virtue of its lower number and superfluously added consonant, my current iPhone is obsolete. I cannot wait to upgrade!
Posted by Zebes http://www.badrap.org/rescue/index.html on September 10, 2012 at 11:00 AM · Report this
3
I could be wrong, but I sense a slight tinge of sarcasm in this post.
Posted by tkc on September 10, 2012 at 11:13 AM · Report this
Karlheinz Arschbomber 4
The cable/connector change is just pathetic. Pure ego, pissing on their fan base that has chargers in several rooms of the house. The no-name Chinese shops that make the cheapo knockoff cables will have a good year.
Posted by Karlheinz Arschbomber http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arschbombe on September 10, 2012 at 11:15 AM · Report this
5
It really doesn't matter what the new features are. In fact, there don't even need to be any new features. As long as the phone has a new version number and features a prominent Apple logo, I must have it. However, I do hope they change something about the outside of the phone, so that people I don't know (on the bus, at Starbucks, etc) can see that I have the newest one.
Posted by Grrrwlr on September 10, 2012 at 11:20 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 6
Always amazed at how many people will throw their money away because a company tells them the old gadget, which is no different from the new gadget, is arbitrarily now "out of date."
Posted by Theodore Gorath on September 10, 2012 at 11:24 AM · Report this
7
I'm amazed at how people who don't like Apple products don't just vote with their dollars and move on with their lives. They seem peeved, nay, furious that other people like Apple's products.

Dude! Enjoy your Android or whatever! Good on you! I spend my professional life up to my elbows in the guts of linux servers, and I enjoy my easy/mindless iphone.
Posted by ohthetrees on September 10, 2012 at 11:31 AM · Report this
blip 8
So then, iPhone 5 (2012) = Evo 4G (2010) with a prettier but frustratingly less intuitive interface.

iPhone: Cute enough to make you forget your $600 phone kind of sucks.
Posted by blip on September 10, 2012 at 11:32 AM · Report this
Cracker Jack 9
I have and love my AppleTV, Alex, so get the HELL off my lawn!!!!
Posted by Cracker Jack on September 10, 2012 at 11:34 AM · Report this
Simone 10
Nice Sarcasm. You'd probably get trolled by mac fan boys on Macrumors if you tried to post this level of sarcasm.

I really wish we did not have this obsession with updating phone/electronic gadget culture every damn year.
Posted by Simone on September 10, 2012 at 11:35 AM · Report this
11
There is an opportunity for legitimate critique of Apple's announcements. That would make for an interesting read. This hyperbole is just lazy.
Posted by easygimik on September 10, 2012 at 11:39 AM · Report this
12
The seemingly gratuitous obnoxiousness of Apple when it comes to accessories is hard to fathom. Even with the previous generations of iOS products, which all retained the same port, they've repeatedly changed the specs on the USB power supplies, so that a USB power supply for a third generation iPod wouldn't work for the third generation iTouch released a couple of years later, and that USB power supply would not be accepted by the third generation iPad released a couple of years after that.

And don't get me started on all the different video ports the various Mac laptops and desktops have used ...
Posted by Warren Terra on September 10, 2012 at 12:24 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 13
@11 That was my thought. This is trying way way too hard. Tone it down, dude whose name I don't remember having read here before, and look for insight. This is just boring, plain, and I think I've read better versions of this on Cracked or something.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on September 10, 2012 at 12:24 PM · Report this
14
Don't piss on my parade! I love my Apple products, and I will be vigorously masterbating during the announcement.
Posted by Apple John on September 10, 2012 at 12:28 PM · Report this
care bear 15
Just came to echo @11 and @13. This is pretty lazy and unfunny.
Posted by care bear on September 10, 2012 at 12:38 PM · Report this
Fenrox 16
You're like the guy version of that girl who writes like this! Yay!
Posted by Fenrox on September 10, 2012 at 12:39 PM · Report this
Dougsf 17
Going even bigger? Ugh. I don't care how grumpy old kook this sounds, phones are all already too damn big. The mobile companies seem to be going through the bigger-is-better arms race American automakers waged a decade ago.

Makers of cargo pants and giant purses, enjoy it while you can.
Posted by Dougsf on September 10, 2012 at 12:49 PM · Report this
GlamB0t 18
I just bought an HTC One X. This is my first non iPhone since they were launched and I'm pretty happy with it!

It is WAY too big and no one can explain to me why I need a tablet in my pocket. For me, the goddamn keyboard is the worst. Also, there are too many menu's. Just tiny annoyances for the most part.

It's much faster and lighter. The battery sucks but having the ability to keep an extra one and change it at will is nice. The camera would be better than on the iPhone if it were as easy to open as Apple has made theirs. Android is super easy to update, and of course the hackery.

Sorry if this is too constructive.
Posted by GlamB0t on September 10, 2012 at 12:59 PM · Report this
19
Apple is a walking affront to anti-trust, consumer protection, and worker rights, but I can't wait until the iPhone 5 comes out. I have an aging relative who has a pre-Siri iPhone and waiting for him to do something on it -- Google searches, turning on navigation, finding a radio app, even taking a picture -- is torture. With the iPhone 5, he'll just be able to say, "Siri, show me the nearest store that sells Doan's Backache Pills* and support hose," and off we go!

*It's the powdered extract of buchu that makes the difference, I'm guessing.
Posted by PCM on September 10, 2012 at 1:04 PM · Report this
Kinison 20
If Apple TV were actually a hobby device that Apple claims it to be, then people wouldn't have to jailbreak it and install FireCore or XBMC to get any basic functionality out of it. You cant even jailbreak a 3rd Gen ATV because Apple has done a great job at locking it down. Where most Apple devices get jailbroken in days or weeks, its been 6 months and the hacking community has yet to succeed in doing this. Go look at new shrink wrapped sales of 2nd Gen ATVs on Ebay, they're going for 200-250$.

Want to record home movies with a USB flip cam and play it back to your HDTV? Get a WDTV Live, those players have almost the same media streaming options that AppleTV has, but will play back anything thanks to its dedicated hardware Sigma decoder, and play anything off a USB cable (mp3, flip cam, phone, flash, ext hdd, etc).
Posted by Kinison http://www.holgatehawks.com on September 10, 2012 at 1:11 PM · Report this
pfffter 21
stupid asshat post. you get paid for this? you shouldn't.
Posted by pfffter on September 10, 2012 at 1:26 PM · Report this
very bad homo 22
I don't care about new features. I want a product that will work for a few years and not become "obsolete" in 6 months.
Posted by very bad homo on September 10, 2012 at 2:07 PM · Report this
Posted by Kinison http://www.holgatehawks.com on September 10, 2012 at 2:45 PM · Report this
Karlheinz Arschbomber 24
I have an iPhone 3GS, more than 3 years old. It works fine, it runs the latest version of the software, which was available the same day it came out for the newer phones. (take that, fandroids) Yes, it is somewhat slower running some of the heavier apps, but totally usable. I've been careful to not deep-drain the battery a lot. So, bad homo @22, it's not about changing expensive toys every few months.
Posted by Karlheinz Arschbomber http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arschbombe on September 10, 2012 at 3:20 PM · Report this
Canadian Nurse 25
@22: I have an iPhone 3G. 4.5 years old. I've had three major drops with it, so the mute switch is wonky. Otherwise works fine, although it doesn't use the latest OS.

Since my phone contract was only 3 years, I could've had a new phone if I wanted one. I've just been too happy with this one to bother.
Posted by Canadian Nurse on September 10, 2012 at 6:00 PM · Report this
26
@22

Then what you want is a "feature phone", not a "smart phone."

If you've read up on that thing they invented in the 1970s called "planned obsolescence," and you don't want it, then you're going to have to spend quite a bit of your shopping time finding products that don't include it.

Alternately, you could maybe buy a new fucking phone every two years just like everyone else, and abandon that angry sense of superiority you're nursing along when you apply durable goods expectations to something you actually use as a consumable.

Just buy real durable goods, instead consumables, if that's what you actually want. Every mobile phone company in America will be happy to set you up with a feature phone.
Posted by robotslave on September 11, 2012 at 1:04 AM · Report this

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