Slog
News & ArtsWednesday, September 5, 2012
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Ambulatory Masturbatory Aide
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Sep 5, 2012 at 12:33 PM
I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s, love each other, and live together. We have good sex once a week. I'm a girl with a low libido. But my sweet boyfriend needs more. Every once in a while, he brings up the fact that he'd like to have more sex. This conversation always goes the same way: He tells me, I start crying, he feels terrible for making me cry, we both wind up feeling like shit.
I'm pretty sure that the solution is for me to jump my sexy boyfriend more often. But I don't know how. I know I have an inner vixen buried somewhere inside me. I would appreciate any suggestions you have.
Wanna Want More
My response after the jump...
If you've been to the doc and ruled out a hormonal imbalance, WWM, and made sure that whatever birth-control method you're using isn't decimating your libido, your best bet is to accept that this is the way you work for now—you may surprise yourself when you hit your sexual peak—and find some middle ground.
Let's say your boyfriend wants it four times a week, and you can only "get into it" once a week. I'm not going to tell you that it's as simple as splitting the difference—have sex twice a week! everybody loses!—because that advice, which is standard for couples in your situation, is fucking useless. Inevitably, sex falls back to the frequency preferred by the person with the lower libido—the boyfriend loses!—but having been promised more sex, the higher-libido partner's resentment spikes, there are more tearful talks, and the relationship ends.
Here's what you should do instead: You commit to great sex at least once a week. He deals. But you also commit to making sure your boyfriend is thoroughly milked—with your cheerful assistance—three times a week. You commit to being his full-blown sex partner once a week and his life-size, ambulatory masturbatory aide at least three times a week.
How would that work? Well, let's say you're not up for sex on Wednesday because you had sex last Sunday. But he's horny. So you plop your twat down on his face and let him eat you out while he beats off. It'll take 10 minutes. Then let's say he's horny again on Friday, but you're just not feeling it. So you treat him to a handjob while you rub your tits in his face. Another 10 minutes. And let's say he wakes up horny on Saturday morning. So you sit on the edge of the bed, have him kneel between your open legs, and pull his face into your crotch while you tell him how thoroughly you're going to fuck the shit out of him tomorrow, on Sunday, when you're finally horny again.
As a special bonus, WWM, you may find that once the pressure is off—once you're not expected to have or want sex but only expected to help out your horny boyfriend—your libido occasionally kicks in and you're inspired to jump him. Or not. Either way, you're having great sex at least once a week, and he sees you making a sincere effort to keep his balls drained and him happy. Everybody wins.
2
"He tells me, I start crying, he feels terrible for making me cry, we both wind up feeling like shit."
There is (was, hopefully?) a problem here above and beyond the disparity in sexual needs.
There is (was, hopefully?) a problem here above and beyond the disparity in sexual needs.
3
I dunno, I think this was one of Dan's bigger duds. His message -- "You only have to have sex once a week!" -- only works if you consider penetrative intercourse to be the only "real" sex. But everything he's described here (the handjobs, the oral) IS sex. It's weird because elsewhere Dan's happy to acknowledge that "everything but" penis-in-vagina sex is STILL SEX, yet here he's telling this woman "I know you don't want to have a lot of sex, but essentially your problem will be solved so long as you just have a lot of sex!" His "compromise" isn't one at all.
4
Holy crumbs but this is why I read Mr. Savage--a completely different perspective with a practical, action-based solution. This is advice that I wouldn't get from Dear Abby (and I've seen Abby give the exact advice that Mr. Savage says wouldn't work).
5
@3, I think the only thing Dan from any other day might have appended is "...and if all that sounds like too much for you, you're probably sexually incompatible and you ought to break up."
6
@3 That's exactly what I was thinking. Dan's usual refrain is that sex is far more than just tab-a-in-slot-b. Here, he completely reverses that. Oral sex is no longer sex, but merely masturbation assistance. You can't mock saddlebacking and its practitioners for their denial of the fact that they're having sex, and then turn around and say "the compromise is only have sex once a week, and then pretend the oral sex and hand jobs throughout the rest of the week are just a really friendly handshake." A great big swing and a miss.
7
I wish we could discover the outcome, because I don't think this would work.
She might happily do this for a little while, but I think it'd suffer the same fate Dan give the "compromise" solution... Eventually, the ambulatory masturbation aide would end too.
Humans are selfish beings at their core, even unconsciously so. This woman seems totally cool and unselfish, but I think eventually even she'd stop doing it because at her core, she doesn't want to do it. Nothing wrong with her specifically, it's just human nature.
She might happily do this for a little while, but I think it'd suffer the same fate Dan give the "compromise" solution... Eventually, the ambulatory masturbation aide would end too.
Humans are selfish beings at their core, even unconsciously so. This woman seems totally cool and unselfish, but I think eventually even she'd stop doing it because at her core, she doesn't want to do it. Nothing wrong with her specifically, it's just human nature.
8
I think the point is that (and he's framed it this way before) If it's getting your hole banged that you're not up for as often, these other options (still sex, just not vagina pounding sex) will keep you connected and sexually active. It's an elegant solution, but it requires both parties to acknowledge that P in V sex is not the be all end all and everything else is not just consolation but another way to express yourselves sexually. It's also good for breaking out of a rut if you find yourself in the same positions and routines and it doesn't get you "hot" for sex like it used to
9
here to also complain that this is one of those bizarre places where Dan doesn't seem to be considering oral sex/mutual masturbation to be sex.......
This advice so would not work for lesbians in this situation.
This advice so would not work for lesbians in this situation.
10
honey,
tell him he's really bad at sex and once a week with him is all you can stomach.
that will shut him up.....
tell him he's really bad at sex and once a week with him is all you can stomach.
that will shut him up.....
11
Is there a reason why Dan is suggesting hand jobs over oral for the guy? Also seems like the girl in the situation also gets more out of it than the boyfriend -- I mean, she gets eaten out while he just gets a handjob? I see this experiment failing eventually but would be interested to see how this particular couple figures things out.
13
It bums me out that so many women just decide that they have a low libido, when in fact you may just have not hit your sexual peak yet. I didn't start having reliable orgasms until I was in my 30s, and when I hit my mid-30s I was like a dog in heat.
Facts to the LW:
1) You're mid-20s. YOUNG. You have not yet tapped into your womanly power. Start with masturbating to see what gets you off.
2) If you're on the pill, try going off it just to see the magic it will do to your libido.
3) You could become a raging horndog when you hit your 30s, so don't put a label on yourself. It's a cruel twist of biology that women and men's sexual peaks don't always coincide.
I gotta say, Dan's advice was really bad this time.
Facts to the LW:
1) You're mid-20s. YOUNG. You have not yet tapped into your womanly power. Start with masturbating to see what gets you off.
2) If you're on the pill, try going off it just to see the magic it will do to your libido.
3) You could become a raging horndog when you hit your 30s, so don't put a label on yourself. It's a cruel twist of biology that women and men's sexual peaks don't always coincide.
I gotta say, Dan's advice was really bad this time.
14
This is a pretty old one, so at this point I don't think Dan was trumpeting the "it's all sex" trumpet yet.
15
I'm prolly not going to do a good job of finding the right words here, but I think that much of the time people's unwillingness to engage in sexual activity when they're "just not feeling it" gets back to deeply rooted feelings of guilt and dirtiness.
We all do a lot of necessary and useful things over the course of a day or a week, miraculously without dragging our feet and whining all the while (usually)—laundry, jobs, childcare, gardening, cooking, on and on. You can be cheerful and efficient about preparing a nutritious meal, for example, without really "feeling it"—hunger, the desire to try something new, the need to use up leftovers before they go bad, whatever.
And we don't feel soiled or "used" when we do those things. Tired, maybe.
So perhaps an attitude adjustment is in order. It may not be the best metaphor, but when you call a plumber to deal with a backup, he arrives and sets about in a workmanlike manner to solve the problem. He may not be thrilled to be doing the task for the umpteenth time, but he's happy if you're a satisfied customer and he gets to make another boat payment that month.
We all do a lot of necessary and useful things over the course of a day or a week, miraculously without dragging our feet and whining all the while (usually)—laundry, jobs, childcare, gardening, cooking, on and on. You can be cheerful and efficient about preparing a nutritious meal, for example, without really "feeling it"—hunger, the desire to try something new, the need to use up leftovers before they go bad, whatever.
And we don't feel soiled or "used" when we do those things. Tired, maybe.
So perhaps an attitude adjustment is in order. It may not be the best metaphor, but when you call a plumber to deal with a backup, he arrives and sets about in a workmanlike manner to solve the problem. He may not be thrilled to be doing the task for the umpteenth time, but he's happy if you're a satisfied customer and he gets to make another boat payment that month.
16
The problem is that all of these things are sex. If she's not feeling up to sex, she's probably not going to want to jerk him off or sit on his face a couple times a week.
17
@8
Exactly, I think Dan provided good practical advice, but didn't frame it the way he should have. Basically, have more sex, just realize that P/V sex isn't the only way to have sex and that there are ways of having sex with a lower mental/physical investment from one partner.
Exactly, I think Dan provided good practical advice, but didn't frame it the way he should have. Basically, have more sex, just realize that P/V sex isn't the only way to have sex and that there are ways of having sex with a lower mental/physical investment from one partner.
18
@16
Or maybe the problem is that she only sees sex as penis in vagina and doesn't realize that there are other ways to have sex.
Or maybe the problem is that she only sees sex as penis in vagina and doesn't realize that there are other ways to have sex.
19
NEWSFLASH!.....................
God reinserted into Democrap Platform!!!!!
The Republic is Saved!!!!!
obviously the Democraps are scared SHITLESS of Fox
God reinserted into Democrap Platform!!!!!
The Republic is Saved!!!!!
obviously the Democraps are scared SHITLESS of Fox
20
@11: Well, the one that comes to mind is that many women find blow jobs just as difficult/exhausting as vaginal intercourse, so giving someone a blow job isn't exactly relief. All the activities that he suggested for her are activities that she could do while reading a book.
And yes, I'm aware of the existence of women who LOVE giving blow jobs and who feel that giving oral is no effort at all. That would be why I said "many" women and not "women."
And yes, I'm aware of the existence of women who LOVE giving blow jobs and who feel that giving oral is no effort at all. That would be why I said "many" women and not "women."
21
Also, sex begets sex.
One good piece of advice I've heard is that when someone isn't feeling it, they should agree to kiss for 5 minutes and then reassess. This would only be too physical/mentally taxing under circumstances that should be clearly obvious to the partner wanting sex (e.g. extreme physical pain/emotional stress) that they would realize to forgo asking for sex. Then proceed further at the pace of the partner that didn't want sex, and they can stop the progression at anytime. This will frequently lead to "sex" and even if it doesn't, its likely to at least set the wheels in motion for that partner wanting sex the following day.
One good piece of advice I've heard is that when someone isn't feeling it, they should agree to kiss for 5 minutes and then reassess. This would only be too physical/mentally taxing under circumstances that should be clearly obvious to the partner wanting sex (e.g. extreme physical pain/emotional stress) that they would realize to forgo asking for sex. Then proceed further at the pace of the partner that didn't want sex, and they can stop the progression at anytime. This will frequently lead to "sex" and even if it doesn't, its likely to at least set the wheels in motion for that partner wanting sex the following day.
22
This letter reminded me that Louis CK bit about his wife giving him the lowest common denominator hand job. I really see it backfiring - he won't feel satisfied, she'll still feel like she's having too much sex.
The way we dealt with this in my marriage was we just had the sex, why not? I wasn't always all that into it, but it doesn't take that long, it's not like it's a nasty unpleasant job, and it feels good to do things that someone you love likes. And every now and then, "'I'm not that into it but all right" turns into something more interesting - stranger things have happened.
I go to elementary school Christmas concerts, I bake muffins, I knock boots for twenty minutes when I didn't really need to - it's fine because it's part of loving the people you love, and it's sometimes intrinsically enjoyable.
The way we dealt with this in my marriage was we just had the sex, why not? I wasn't always all that into it, but it doesn't take that long, it's not like it's a nasty unpleasant job, and it feels good to do things that someone you love likes. And every now and then, "'I'm not that into it but all right" turns into something more interesting - stranger things have happened.
I go to elementary school Christmas concerts, I bake muffins, I knock boots for twenty minutes when I didn't really need to - it's fine because it's part of loving the people you love, and it's sometimes intrinsically enjoyable.
23
I didn't like Dan's response the first time I read this, and I still don't like it. How and why it was selected as one of his greatest hits is quite puzzling.
As others have noted: if he'd framed this response as "there are alternatives to penis-in-vagina sex that y'all could be doing" then it would work better. But it would still be flawed advice since everything Dan suggests is sex. Sitting on the boyfriend's face, in particular, seems like quite an intimate imposition on a woman who isn't in the mood.
Better for the GF to give her BF an enthusiastic thumbs-up to masturbating more, without the ambulatory masturbatory aide thing being so prominent. He can jerk it to the porn he likes without her being a sex doll.
Another practical suggestion: have more fun, without the expectation that the 'fun' must be foreplay to sex. Make out--its intimate and fun. Swap massages/backrubs/footrubs. Take a bath or shower together. Enjoy a little roleplay--play the French Maid, or the Naughty Nurse, or something. All of this stuff can be fun, and might put you in the mood for sex--but even it it doesn't, it'll make your BF feel like you're really trying to be a fun and generous partner. And will likely make him hard--finishing him with your hand or mouth would add even more "good girlfriend" points on your relationship scorecard.
As others have noted: if he'd framed this response as "there are alternatives to penis-in-vagina sex that y'all could be doing" then it would work better. But it would still be flawed advice since everything Dan suggests is sex. Sitting on the boyfriend's face, in particular, seems like quite an intimate imposition on a woman who isn't in the mood.
Better for the GF to give her BF an enthusiastic thumbs-up to masturbating more, without the ambulatory masturbatory aide thing being so prominent. He can jerk it to the porn he likes without her being a sex doll.
Another practical suggestion: have more fun, without the expectation that the 'fun' must be foreplay to sex. Make out--its intimate and fun. Swap massages/backrubs/footrubs. Take a bath or shower together. Enjoy a little roleplay--play the French Maid, or the Naughty Nurse, or something. All of this stuff can be fun, and might put you in the mood for sex--but even it it doesn't, it'll make your BF feel like you're really trying to be a fun and generous partner. And will likely make him hard--finishing him with your hand or mouth would add even more "good girlfriend" points on your relationship scorecard.
24
@33
"But it would still be flawed advice since everything Dan suggests is sex. Sitting on the boyfriend's face, in particular, seems like quite an intimate imposition on a woman who isn't in the mood."
True, but think the point is if you're not in the mood for P-V sex, then find something you're in the mood for. That might not always be receiving oral, but it could.
"But it would still be flawed advice since everything Dan suggests is sex. Sitting on the boyfriend's face, in particular, seems like quite an intimate imposition on a woman who isn't in the mood."
True, but think the point is if you're not in the mood for P-V sex, then find something you're in the mood for. That might not always be receiving oral, but it could.
25
I don't think face-sitting would work as just a giving-an-assist thing. I love oral, but I find it unbearably aggravating if I'm not turned on enough. Don't know if that's true of most women, but I just don't think that kind of stimulation is neutral, you know? Not like a hand is neutral. Hand jobs are pretty easy, if he can come from a hand job. A really low-pressure assist would be he jerks off while looking at her naked body.
26
Fuck, this makes sex seem so grim. My libido might've just taken a hit. It is more than mechanics for most people, right?
27
I would count pretty much every suggestion here as sex. And, if I didn't want to have sex, I wouldn't want to sit on someone's face while they beat off either. Nor, if I wanted sex, would I really want someone who isn't in to it to sit on mine. How could you have a bored girlf passionlessly shove your face in her crotch solely to get you off and not come out feeling molestery?
28
I think this is really bad advice, because it says have sex more often when you don't want to. That turns sex into a chore that you are doing, which is likely to cause her libido to lower more. Then instead of having enthusiastic sex one quarter as often as he wants it, she's likely to be having enthusiastic sex maybe a tenth as often as he likes it, because her libido will be constantly lowered by not very fun sexual activities, and it'll be making negative associations with sexual acts. Being given oral sex when you're not in the mood sounds utterly awful and likely to make her really hate it. I can see a quick handjob probably working and being okay. But I don't think he understood the notion of not wanting to have sex in this column. Sometimes someone doesn't want to have sex, and at that point in time, sex is rarely going to be a positive experience. And having someone who clearly is doing a chore is unlikely to be very pleasing for the partner either.
29
I'm with everyone who said that oral counts as sex. If you're not in the mood for sex, then you're not going to want your partner going down on you.
However, I think dirty talk, a handjob or bdsm play would be ok as masturbatory aides. Just as long as the low-libido partner isn't being asked to drop their pants and join when they don't feel up to it.
That said, I wouldn't even want to be sexual with a partner who isn't into all that into it (or me). As a female, that's almost never a problem. Even so, I would rather just masturbate to porn instead of feeling like I am making someone do something they don't like. Sex is just like any other activity- not much fun if you feel like you're the only one that wants to be there.
However, I think dirty talk, a handjob or bdsm play would be ok as masturbatory aides. Just as long as the low-libido partner isn't being asked to drop their pants and join when they don't feel up to it.
That said, I wouldn't even want to be sexual with a partner who isn't into all that into it (or me). As a female, that's almost never a problem. Even so, I would rather just masturbate to porn instead of feeling like I am making someone do something they don't like. Sex is just like any other activity- not much fun if you feel like you're the only one that wants to be there.
30
I wish these re-run SLLOTD's were more in the Stump the Chumps model - ping the original letter writers and see how it worked out. Next hiatus maybe...
31
I'm not getting why she cries when the subject comes up. Crying tends to pre-empt ANY reasonable conversation between two people. Maybe it's because she is SO YOUNG. It's hard to imagine that she has an inner vixen buried inside of her when she cries at every single mention of "I want more sex." Hmmm.
32
Betty Dodson is a big advocate of sexual stimulation to essentially jump start a woman's libido. Typically Betty suggests masturbation, but that's kind of her thing. But it seems like that's what Dan is getting at here. She indulges the boyfriend in getting him off with some variant of patenered sex that doesn't include invasive penetration, and the incidental stimulation could potentially give her libido a bit of a nudge. Remember, this is ultimately what this sweet girl has asked for here.
34
This woman sounds very weepy and overemotional. If your first reaction to your boyfriend bringing up your low libido is to immediately burst into tears, there's probably something wrong with you besides your low sex drive.
35
When my ex wanted more sex than I was in the mood for, the problem wasn't my unwillingness to perform sexual activities with him. I was very willing to do my wifely duties. The problem was that he wanted me to want it. He wanted me to be genuinely enthusiastic and if I wasn't, he'd stop in the middle of sex to harangue me about my faking. That caused a lot of tears and desperate self-hatred on my part, frantically wishing to change my desires and having no ability to do so.
I wonder if that's what's behind the conditioned response to burst into tears when he says he wants more sex?
I wonder if that's what's behind the conditioned response to burst into tears when he says he wants more sex?
36
Gamebird, you might be onto something. It could depend a lot on the manner in which he brings it up. I've got to say, though, it's human to want to be desired. There have been long stretches in my marriage when we didn't have sex, and I didn't feel wanted by my partner. When I'd bring it up (not during sex, or even in bed), there were tears. It's a hard conversation all the way around; harder yet when you have it for the sixth time.
Your ex was a jerk for what he put you through, but I understand his underlying emotion.
Your ex was a jerk for what he put you through, but I understand his underlying emotion.
37
@35 Gamebird, do you think that learning each other's "language of love" might have helped? (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.) That's a short-hand, of course, but I've found that it does help to focus one's efforts on the aspects that mean most to one's partner. I don't want gifts, for instance, but I do need physical touch and time together. If you were offering physical touch, but your ex needed words of affirmation, it's easy to see how he wasn't satisfied with what you were giving. And if he had given you more of whatever you needed, maybe that would have made you more enthusiastic toward him.
On the other hand, if you had grown apart such that you no longer honestly loved or wanted each other... there may not have been any long-term solution except ending the relationship.
On the other hand, if you had grown apart such that you no longer honestly loved or wanted each other... there may not have been any long-term solution except ending the relationship.
38
@31 - seems like every time me and the Mrs. have this conversation it leads to tears on her part too. Not because she is trying to emotionally blackmail me, but she genuinely feels like a failure. The conversation also adds more on the low libido's "to do" list, with sex with your spouse now an additional chore. How romantic.
I like Dan's compromise, BUT the key to making it work is the low libido partner/face sitter has to have real enthusiasm for their high libido partner's pleasure, if not their own. If you treat your assist to your partner as a chore similar to taking the garbage out, then yes, you will create molestor/molestee feelings.
If you can't spare 30 minutes a few times a week to enthusiastically bring their partner to orgasmic release, you probably need to rethink entering a sexually exclusive relationship.
I like Dan's compromise, BUT the key to making it work is the low libido partner/face sitter has to have real enthusiasm for their high libido partner's pleasure, if not their own. If you treat your assist to your partner as a chore similar to taking the garbage out, then yes, you will create molestor/molestee feelings.
If you can't spare 30 minutes a few times a week to enthusiastically bring their partner to orgasmic release, you probably need to rethink entering a sexually exclusive relationship.
40
@23: "Better for the GF to give her BF an enthusiastic thumbs-up to masturbating more, without the ambulatory masturbatory aide thing being so prominent. He can jerk it to the porn he likes without her being a sex doll."
This sounds perilously close to "Go take care of it yourself, just don't bother me." While an enthusiastic thumbs-up to that is still better than "and don't you dare start with the porn either," it still is basically telling him you prefer not to be bothered. At that point, don't be surprised when he eventually takes you at your word and stops bothering you, but finds someone who isn't bothered by it.
This sounds perilously close to "Go take care of it yourself, just don't bother me." While an enthusiastic thumbs-up to that is still better than "and don't you dare start with the porn either," it still is basically telling him you prefer not to be bothered. At that point, don't be surprised when he eventually takes you at your word and stops bothering you, but finds someone who isn't bothered by it.
41
I would take 21's advice over Dan's this time. Namely, be open to being persuaded. Sure, you aren't into it RIGHT NOW, at the very instant that you get approached. Obviously you have something else on your mind, it's not like you walk around all day long in a perpetual state of arousal. But for god's sake, this is someone that you (supposedly) really enjoy sex with when you _are_ already in the mood. So give it a few minutes of active, good-willed participation and you might find that gee, it turns out that you are in the mood after all.
43
How is this not simply another version of "one partner gets what they want while the other becomes resentful"?
I can tell you that I have had a major relationship end when I realized my partner was *just fine* having sex with me whether or not I enjoyed it. Wow, was that a libido killer to end all libido killers.
I can tell you that I have had a major relationship end when I realized my partner was *just fine* having sex with me whether or not I enjoyed it. Wow, was that a libido killer to end all libido killers.
44
I tried a version of this today before I read this and it worked like a charm. Sometimes taking intercourse off the menu does the trick.
45
Guys? If masturbation is sex, then no twelve-year-old boys are virgins. Mr. Savage is referring to these things as not full-on sex because they're not full-on sex. At no point is the boyfriend's penis going anywhere inside this woman's skin.
47
As the person with the higher libido in the relationship, yeah I would be completely satisfied with the above solution. The reason though, is because the solution is pretty much "have more sex." Don't know if my girlfriend would find this advice useful though.
And @2 It sounds like you're presuming some level of emotional abuse or at least inability to effectively or compassionately communicate, which isn't necessarily the case. It is beyond difficult to have a discussion about something as touchy as sex because unlike a lot of topics, it is a 100% emotional conversation; no matter how hard you try there is no logic or reasoning behind it. The person with a lower libido can't help but feel inadequate and the one with a higher libido feels like an ass for even suggesting. And all of that is before the conversation is even had.
And @2 It sounds like you're presuming some level of emotional abuse or at least inability to effectively or compassionately communicate, which isn't necessarily the case. It is beyond difficult to have a discussion about something as touchy as sex because unlike a lot of topics, it is a 100% emotional conversation; no matter how hard you try there is no logic or reasoning behind it. The person with a lower libido can't help but feel inadequate and the one with a higher libido feels like an ass for even suggesting. And all of that is before the conversation is even had.
48
As someone else noted, receiving oral when you're not feeling it doesn't really work. For a lot of us, our sensitive parts are just ticklish when we're not aroused.
On the other hand, you can lie next to someone and touch them in small ways -- lick their nipples, let them suck your fingers, stroke their balls (if they're testicle owners), etc. while they're masturbating. This is being sexual with them in a low-pressure way, while still being a participant. And it feels a lot better than masturbating alone.
On the other hand, you can lie next to someone and touch them in small ways -- lick their nipples, let them suck your fingers, stroke their balls (if they're testicle owners), etc. while they're masturbating. This is being sexual with them in a low-pressure way, while still being a participant. And it feels a lot better than masturbating alone.
49
here is something for you girls to fwap off to......
Official DNC Highlight Reel™ ----
1- Clinton making the case that:
Obama hasn't gotten the job done-not even close- but, hey!- even a demigod like me couldn't have done it.....(plus reminding everyone how much they miss Bill and what a limp noodle Obama is)
2- The vicious snarling angry rank and file Democraps rejecting God and Jerusalem (with the yummy icing of the total fiasco hamfisted clumsy way in which it was handled, managing to Piss Off and Disgust, literally, every band on the ideological spectrum- the Godless Heathens know they had the votes to defeat the measure but were screwed over and ignored and humiliated and Godfearing Real America not at all fooled by the cosmetic repair to the platform.)
Priceless.........
3- Obama's limp speech, confirming the impression of inadequacy created by Bill's boffo performance and hinting at the job numbers to come....
4- the truly frighteningly GRIM job numbers that rushed in before the hangovers were even gone mocking the Democraps party.
damn. You couldn't make up stuff this good.......
Official DNC Highlight Reel™ ----
1- Clinton making the case that:
Obama hasn't gotten the job done-not even close- but, hey!- even a demigod like me couldn't have done it.....(plus reminding everyone how much they miss Bill and what a limp noodle Obama is)
2- The vicious snarling angry rank and file Democraps rejecting God and Jerusalem (with the yummy icing of the total fiasco hamfisted clumsy way in which it was handled, managing to Piss Off and Disgust, literally, every band on the ideological spectrum- the Godless Heathens know they had the votes to defeat the measure but were screwed over and ignored and humiliated and Godfearing Real America not at all fooled by the cosmetic repair to the platform.)
Priceless.........
3- Obama's limp speech, confirming the impression of inadequacy created by Bill's boffo performance and hinting at the job numbers to come....
4- the truly frighteningly GRIM job numbers that rushed in before the hangovers were even gone mocking the Democraps party.
damn. You couldn't make up stuff this good.......
50
When the s/o wants a massage or neck rub, s/o gets it. Every time. Heck I read books on massages and neck rubs, learned from professionals, etc. Although massaging eventually make my hands tired, and it takes anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes to do massages well, I am always pleased with s/o's post-massage contentment. The point of the massage or neck rub is I dig s/o, and I like doing things that result in contented purring by s/o. Even if I would rather be reading or working out, a massage request is always cheerfully granted. Always, and cheerfully. I often offer s/o massages on my own initiative as well.
When you want someone in your life, you make efforts to keep them content.
So whenever I read a letter from low-libido types throwing their hand across their foreheads and saying they...just...can't...make...the..effort (heavy, dramatic sigh) to help sexually please their professed loved one, I find myself very, very skeptical. Really? Really?! You cannot find 5-30 minutes on a fairly regular basis to manipulate your partner's naughty bits and make them really happy and smiling? Because I get about as much from massaging the s/o as a low-libido does from sex, it sounds like. Yet I still very much enjoy s/o's enjoyment of the massage. (And I confess, I don't want s/o to seek massages et al elsewhere, thus robbing me of opportunities to hang with s/o in that way.)
When the lower-libido types respond to requests for sex with tears,arguments, passive aggressiveness, hurt feelings and the like, I assume the low libido types' refusals are really about something else: the low libido types just have other priorities for their time that outweigh the higher-libido partner's contentment. That is fine to have other priorities, but it also provides the higher-libido partner an ironclad reason for ending the relationship.
If I responded to requests for massages with eye-rolls, half-hearted strokes on the back to keep the peace, tears, and the occasional fight, I would expect s/o to dump my dramatic, selfish ass. I would deserve it, frankly.
More...
When you want someone in your life, you make efforts to keep them content.
So whenever I read a letter from low-libido types throwing their hand across their foreheads and saying they...just...can't...make...the..effort (heavy, dramatic sigh) to help sexually please their professed loved one, I find myself very, very skeptical. Really? Really?! You cannot find 5-30 minutes on a fairly regular basis to manipulate your partner's naughty bits and make them really happy and smiling? Because I get about as much from massaging the s/o as a low-libido does from sex, it sounds like. Yet I still very much enjoy s/o's enjoyment of the massage. (And I confess, I don't want s/o to seek massages et al elsewhere, thus robbing me of opportunities to hang with s/o in that way.)
When the lower-libido types respond to requests for sex with tears,arguments, passive aggressiveness, hurt feelings and the like, I assume the low libido types' refusals are really about something else: the low libido types just have other priorities for their time that outweigh the higher-libido partner's contentment. That is fine to have other priorities, but it also provides the higher-libido partner an ironclad reason for ending the relationship.
If I responded to requests for massages with eye-rolls, half-hearted strokes on the back to keep the peace, tears, and the occasional fight, I would expect s/o to dump my dramatic, selfish ass. I would deserve it, frankly.
51
Hey, what about the boy friend? How's he gonna feel about being a cow that needs milking? I think the girlfriend should admit that she just doesn't want it, so that he can get on with his life and she can become a nun. How many times have I heard the refrain that he's horney and she just does not want it. First, it's because it's so messy, then it's because it is the wrong time, then there's menopause and it's too dry and it isn't fun any more. It probably never was, but she wasn't honest enough with herself to admit it. Americans are raised to believe that we are all beautiful sexual animals, with the implication that if you don't want it, there's something wrong with you and you need treatment. The world is full of husbands who have found other means of having a good time, but here in America, we just part company, for better or for worse. There are all kinds of 'monogamous' permutations, but the most common one is the man on the next barstool who is there looking for a pick up because he can't get it at home. For better or for worse.
52
I don't know man, I guess if you are not ever in the mood for anything sexual ever then this is not helpful, but I know that sometimes I want to be fucked and sometimes I don't. When I don't I will cheerfully give a fully engaged blow job, and my husband and I both go to bed happy. Sometimes, I'm horny but he already jerked it earlier in the day and I will masturbate while he sucks on my boobs or whatever. It can work, people. When any kind of sexual contact ALWAYS leads to penis in vagina, that can be taxing for the vagina-haver, who statistically is generally lower libido anyway. This is one way to address it, but obviously emotional abuse, poor to non-existent communication, asexual masquerading as low-libido, sure it doesn't apply
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