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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Don't Give Up So Quickly

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Aug 29, 2012 at 11:07 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

I'm female, early 40s, and I like to watch. Seems pretty straightforward, but I'm not the classic voyeur. Everything I've read on voyeurism emphasizes the eroticism of secretly watching others having sex, with the possibility of being discovered as part of the thrill. I'm not turned on by any of that. I want to watch, but I want the person I'm watching to know I'm watching. I want him to be looking right at me. I want to look into his eyes while he's getting banged, or masturbating like a fiend, all undone and out of control, and have him know I'm witnessing him fall apart into orgasm. Mmmmm. (I suspect this may be a power issue...)

But looking for someone to play along with me has been fruitless thus far. The one boyfriend I did bring it up with sat there and stared at me for so long that I dried right up and never mentioned it again. I ran an ad in the local online personals (M, M-F, M-M), outlining what I was interested in, thinking that with all the exhibitionists out there, surely someone would bite. Nothing. I did get a response, but it was from another woman. She wanted to know if I'd had any replies, and to ask if she could sit in if anyone took me up on my offer. Any ideas, Dan?

Opera Glasses

My response after the jump...

You told one boyfriend, you placed one ad. And then you gave up. Gee, here's an idea: The human race would quickly die out if people into "normal" sex asked one person, took out one ad, and then, if they didn't get a positive response, stopped asking and stopped advertising.

Look, OG, you told one person, he reacted badly, and... the conclusion you seem to have drawn from this experience is that you should never, ever risk telling anyone about your kink ever again. May I suggest an alternate conclusion? You told the wrong person. When you told him about your kink—your charming, harmless, intriguing kink—and he sat there like a stone, the correct response was not to wither under his gaze. The correct response was to flip him off and walk out.

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Comments (15) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

1- You're a Slut.

2- Take Danny's advice. Try Normal Sex.

3- You're a Slut.

Posted by that is all.... on August 29, 2012 at 12:05 PM

This is a completely normal kink. It's live porn really. I'd suggest going to a swingers mixer and asking couples and individuals if you can watch them get it on. You'll probably find a lot of takers. Good luck and keep trying!

Posted by The fag on August 29, 2012 at 12:24 PM

@1 - You're sad that nobody ever wanted to have sex with you.

Posted by very bad homo on August 29, 2012 at 12:35 PM

@1 Wow. That's what I call biting and stunning commentary.

1 -- You're a douche
2 -- You're a douche
3 -- You're a douche

Posted by bgk on August 29, 2012 at 12:55 PM

I can't believe this is an unusual kink. The LW must have had an extraordinarily uptight boyfriend.

Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on August 29, 2012 at 12:56 PM

I know these are old letters and all I can do is hope that by now the lw has found a bunch of people who think it is hotter than hell to show her what she wants to see.

As to the unusualness of this, I don't think it is, though culturally, it's probably more accepted from a man towards a woman. I know a bunch of voyeurs, and not one of them likes to hide in closets and risk being found. All of them like the dynamic the lw describes. She should look for self-described exhibitionists--that's who she wants.

Posted by nocutename on August 29, 2012 at 1:31 PM

4

we see what you did there....

Posted by welcome to slog. on August 29, 2012 at 2:02 PM

Where did this poor woman find that cretin of a (thankfully now ex-) boyfriend? He is the complete antithesis of GGG!

I hope she's since found someone open-minded and GGG, or if not, that she's at least discovered the wonderful world of cam sites!

I share the same kink - I love to watch men (& women) and I love the cam sites, they're a voyeur's dream. You can participate to whatever level you choose - watching, chatting, one-on-one, and hell, you can even put on your own show.

I'm not trying to sound like an infomercial here, I just want other women & men like Opera Glasses to know there are LOTS of people out there who love to watch & be watched, and there is no need to feel embarrassed or shameful over such a fun kink!

Posted by ISeeYou on August 29, 2012 at 2:10 PM

Maybe it was the incessant Al Roker Thumbs-up-ing and lip-licking while she glowered at them that was the problem.

Posted by tkc on August 29, 2012 at 2:30 PM

you can watch me

Posted by jaansdornea on August 29, 2012 at 4:37 PM

I share this kind of voyeurism, and I'm pretty sure it's very common as the most popular porn site is a cam site. Nothing turns me on more than watching a real couple fuck each other, knowing they are being watched (although I also enjoy just watching women). Dan was right that OG needed to ask more. Every gf I've asked in the past to masturbate while I watched had no problem with it. I'd love to watch a couple in person, but I've never tried asking. I sometimes find myself fantasizing about watching couples I am friends with, but I would never actually ask them. I've often wondered why there are so many places where you can watch naked women or men dance, and so many places online where you can watch couples have sex, but there are no places that combine that; clubs where you can watch couples fuck.

Posted by CyberQuaker on August 29, 2012 at 6:12 PM

@11: There are plenty of such places. Google "sex clubs" in your area.

Posted by nocutename on August 29, 2012 at 7:36 PM

I know this is old, but anyone with a similar problem to the LW should be aware that needing to think about it doesn't necessarily mean "no" or even "not soon." If you, like the LW, are can't even mention the idea to your partner twice before cruising CL, consider whether you would actually enjoy the experience or if you'd freak out from embarrassment.

Posted by EclecticEel on August 31, 2012 at 1:46 AM

Also, given how unbelievably mild this kink is, I can't help but wonder if she asked her boyfriend by saying "I want to look into your eyes while you're getting banged, or masturbating like a fiend, all undone and out of control, and have you know I'm witnessing you fall apart into orgasm." And he was left wondering if she was actually asking to peg him and was just using the masturbation thing to ease him into the idea.

Posted by EclecticEel on August 31, 2012 at 1:57 AM

Is it totally Captain Obvious of me to note that if she is watching the boyfriend getting fucked, that she's not the one doing the fucking? That might have been what freaked him out. You didn't just ask to watch him, you asked him to indulge in extra-relationship sex. He was probably trying to figure out what that meant about your relationship. Were you going to want to get fucked by someone else too, and make _him_ watch?

Seriously, why am I the only one who picked up on that detail?

On the other hand, masturbating while she watches is exceedingly low-stakes kinkery (not to mention hot, as any cam-sex fan could tell you), so he should have been only too happy to try that out for his girlfriend.

What about simply locking gazes while the two of you fuck? Someplace to start, anyway. Just a thought.

Posted by avast2006 on September 6, 2012 at 7:09 PM