We're observing Slog silence from now until 11 a.m. while we have an editorial meeting, but look—we made an entire paper's worth of stuff for you! Here's what Vladimir Putin has to say.
Greetings, American swine, particularly those milk-blooded inhabitants of what you call "the Pacific Northwest" and what we call "the stinking pit of free-speaking homosexuals." Lately, alternative media rags like this one in America have taken to criticizing the way I run my country, specifically the punishment meted out to convicted hooligans Vaginas Fighting in the Street, who deserved exactly what was delivered. Maybe in America, lesbians yelling in church is "art," but in Russia, it is shitting in God's mouth. Who are you to criticize me? Now I return the favor by criticizing how you run your smelly anus sex country The Stranger.
First, a majority of the pages are devoted to the opening of Bumbershoot, which I have been told is your American pig word for "umbrella," which is your American pig device to keep the rain from touching your American pig heads. Apparently, many artists and musicians are traveling from far away to celebrate the opening of this Bumbershoot. I am but a Russian despot, but even I understand the deep sadness of Jane's Addiction playing at the opening of an umbrella.
Elsewhere, your shit paper of homosexuals aims for journalistic credibility, such as in GOLDY's report on American clown politician Tim Eyman. I care not for the words of the Jews, so I did not read closely this piece. But Tim Eyman has the kind of mouth that could make him a lot of friends in Russia, if you can know what I mean. Elsewhere in the "news" section, the strong-named DOMINIC HOLDEN reports that a Catholic church is telling its congregants what to do—as if that's a bad and perhaps even illegal thing! Ho ho ho, American pig homosexuals, you are as wrong as it can be. It is serious that everything you do is wrong.
Backward in the paper was a wonderful story by BRENDAN KILEY about a bunch of artist-types who were rounded up and contained in a smoke farm. This story made my heart soar. Nothing makes me happier than imprisoned artists. It's the best thing for society, and it's the best thing for the artist's art, too. But then eventually you get to the turd at the end of the stick, the column written by DAN SAVAGE, an admitted homosexual who is not shivering on a Siberian plain but is allowed to publish his writings, which actually instruct people on how to live! This is like letting Satan host the Oprah show! I cannot bear to read what the hell-bound sodomite dispenses this week, but like everything else in The Stranger, I can assume it is diametrically opposed to the truth as any sane person would know, in Russia or outside of Russia. You will not win, sodomites and those who fail to beat sodomites to death with sticks. You can't. We have bigger asses.