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Friday, August 24, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: So I Married a Fag Hag

Posted by on Fri, Aug 24, 2012 at 12:15 PM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

I have a cousin with whom I am very close. He recently proposed to his girlfriend. I have several issues with this, but the most important one is the fact that EVERYONE who meets this young man thinks he's gay. (I don't know how the girlfriend hasn't seen it.) When I told my friends he was engaged, their jaws dropped. Everyone said, "But he's gay!" He's admitted to me that he did "play for the other team" in college and every once in a while he mentions that he has a "man crush" on so-and-so. I've been out with him, and gay men will comment on how handsome he is, how they're sure he's gay, etc. I love him to death and I don't care one bit that he may be gay.

I'm curious what you think. Was "playing for the other team" just a phase? I don't think so. Unfortunately, I think he's just trying to "fit in." My brother and I think he will end up getting divorced or be completely miserable for the rest of his life. This is his first serious girlfriend and the first girl he's lived with. Should I take my boyfriend's advice and just butt out? Thanks.

A Concerned Kousin

My response after the jump...

Yes, yes: Butt the fuck out—right after you speak your piece to your cousin, and right after you've slipped his fiancée the URL for the Straight Spouse Network's website (www.straightspouse.org) and copies of former New Jersey governor Jim "I'm a Batshitcrazy Gay American" McGreevey and his ex-wife's dueling memoirs.

As for "playing for the other team" at college, ACK, that can indeed be just a phase—but for women, not men. Heterosexual and homosexual women, if legit scientific research is to be believed, "tend to become sexually aroused by both male and female erotica, and, thus, have a bisexual arousal pattern," according to the results of 2003 study conducted at LUG-infested Northwestern University. Men, on the other hand, prefer erotica that plays exclusively to their professed sexual orientation. Which means, of course, that female sexuality is a fluid and male sexuality is a solid. Or something.

And ladies? Pointing out your fluid sexuality isn't an insult. It's a compliment—hell, it's a freakin' superpower.

As for the girlfriend's inability to "see it," there's always a chance that she has seen it, ACK, really seen it. We do have to entertain the possibility that the girlfriend has seen her fiancé, your cousin, with a cock in his mouth and dug it. There's a chance she could be one of those women who likes gay porn so much that marrying a mostly gay or even an entirely gay person represents the fulfillment of a dream.

Oh, and speaking of the mostly gays...

Researchers at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston claim to have found the "Achilles' heel" of the virus that causes AIDS. Their discovery could lead to new and more effective drugs and treatments.

Or, you know, not.

We've been down this road before—HIV's Achilles' heel located, targeted, hopes raised, and then... it's back to the ol' drawing board. So let's not run out and stick our asses in the air just yet, boys. And remember: Even if we do one day have a vaccine or a cure for HIV, re-creating the gay communal-sewer sex culture of the 1970s is a Very Bad Idea. One important take-away lesson—one of the top lessons—of the AIDS epidemic should be this: Given the right conditions, new sexually transmitted infections can emerge and kill you and all your friends.

Remember, kids: Straight people should have more sex (and more sex partners) than they do; gay people should have less sex (and fewer sex partners) than we can. Balance, balance, balance—oh, and anal sex is not a first-date activity; use condoms for anal sex with casual partners to protect yourself from HIV and other STIs, known and unknown; and lower your inhibitions the old-fashioned way (therapy and beer) and stay the fuck away from meth and meth users.

 

Comments (30) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
seatackled 1
If we're reading classics, can we have the ones with the poo-eaters and restroom semen slurpers?
Posted by seatackled on August 24, 2012 at 12:51 PM · Report this
venomlash 2
Bi-erasure much? The gayfag could actually be a bifag, if you'll pardon the moonspeak.
Posted by venomlash on August 24, 2012 at 12:57 PM · Report this
3
Remember kids-

Moses and the CDC agree:

Abstinence followed by Monogamy....
Posted by 1ive and learn on August 24, 2012 at 1:01 PM · Report this
4
And the more we deviate from A/M the more STDs we will harvest.

direct correlation.
Posted by Promiscuity is Unhealthy for Living Things on August 24, 2012 at 1:04 PM · Report this
Kinison 5
Fag Hags? Thought they were called Fruit Flys?
Posted by Kinison http://www.holgatehawks.com on August 24, 2012 at 1:16 PM · Report this
6
Exactly, #2...this guy couldn't just be a garden variety bisexual?
Posted by Jaya the Ferret Runner on August 24, 2012 at 2:21 PM · Report this
7
@3: Why don't you stay abstinent for life, so the world has less of your disease?
Posted by it's the kindest option on August 24, 2012 at 2:59 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 8
"Bisexual"...yeah, right. Men who bat for the other team, and state so to friends/family, DO NOT suddenly find women attractive sexually. However, they do find the het lifestyle attractive for many reasons socially, and being young sometimes decide to give it a go. Rest assured, it will end in disaster, unless Dan's right about her being in on things and approving.
My guess is he's left college and is now seeing what a challenge being gay can be, and is hoping for the anonymity of the het lifestyle.
Posted by OutInBumF on August 24, 2012 at 4:57 PM · Report this
biffp 9
I have a cousin who is doing this. I can't figure it out. Either his fiance has seen his FB page yet or she's okay with it.
Posted by biffp on August 24, 2012 at 5:45 PM · Report this
10
as a bit of a domme bi chick who has had a fag-hag/bdsm top relationship with a former gay dude roommate..... lemme just say that things happen.
Posted by TheLurker on August 24, 2012 at 6:39 PM · Report this
11
Convince them to sign a fair prenup whatever has to be done to bring it about. The one thing as sure as eggs being eggs is that, however enthusiastic she may be now for whatever she's seen or done involving him and another man, come the divorce, she'll use it against him for all she's worth and succeed in cleaning him out financially. It happens quite often enough now, and things should get worse under the incoming administration and increasingly far-right Congress next year.
Posted by vennominon on August 24, 2012 at 6:55 PM · Report this
12
You should at least try to read and understand studies before quoting them in support of your biases. First of all, the sample size in the study was extremely small. There were 46 men and 43 women. Of those, there was one straight man who was slightly more aroused by the male erotica than the female erotica. There were two gay men who who were slightly more aroused by the female erotica than the male erotica. There were about two more gay men who showed only a slight preference for the male erotica and about four straight men who showed only a slight preference for the female erotica. Women were much more tightly bunched in the "small difference" part of the graph, but there were definitely both straight and lesbian women who showed marked differences.in their response to male and female erotica. The only real weird gap is there were no straight men who actually showed strong preferences for male erotica and no gay men who showed strong preferences for female erotica, but there were straight women who showed strong preferences for female erotica and lesbian women who showed strong preferences for male erotica. What do I conclude from this? Women who are considerably more aroused by the opposite kind of porn than their stated sexuality appear to be vastly more common than men with the same trait.

What the study absolutely does not prove is any such nonsense as women are all bisexual and there are no male bisexuals. About 10-15% of the male sample showed essentially no real preference. This is tiny compared to the approximately 50-60% of women who showed basically no real preference, but it is certainly not non-existent. And while women with a strong preference one way or another were much rarer than men, they were not non-existent.

For what it's worth, I now consider myself straight and I am happily married to a woman. I have rarely watched gay pornography and have essentially no interest in it. Yet in my adolescence and in college, I distinctly recall having sex with men and enjoying it. If we believe that what kind of porn arouses you is the be-all and end-all of determining sexuality, I have to conclude that I'm a strong heterosexual who was just going through a phase. But, wait, you just said in this post that there's no such thing, because the study apparently proves that, because I'm not aroused by gay porn, I must never have had a gay experience. Or something.
More...
Posted by Barabbas on August 24, 2012 at 7:05 PM · Report this
13
You see? You post things like this that don't even bring up the *possibility* of bisexuality, and then get your panties in a wad when people accuse you of participating in bierasure?
Posted by DarthKelly on August 24, 2012 at 8:07 PM · Report this
14
7

like how Liberals murder their filthy spawn with glee?

Posted by Abortion for ALL Liberals! on August 25, 2012 at 8:35 AM · Report this
15
OK, gang, let's grade Danny's Sex Ed pop quiz.....

1- Straight people should have more sex (and more sex partners) than they do
FALSE
Straight people should work on being better at monogamy.
At least the CDC thinks so.

2- Gay people should have less sex (and fewer sex partners)
TRUE
(none and zero would be nice......uwahahahahahaha! we slay ourselves....
we joke, of course. what would the world be without a sprinkling of perverts and deviants?)

3- Anal sex is not a first-date activity
True.
unless you are in prison.

4- Use condoms for anal sex with casual partners
FALSE
Do not have sex with "casual partners".
Promiscuous Sex = STD
Condoms do not make unsafe sexual behavior "safe".
They may, if used meticulously, render it less unsafe.
However the real world is full of STDs and pregnancies that were the result of "safe" condomed sex.

5- Use condoms...to protect yourself from HIV and other STIs, known and unknown.
FALSE.
see #4 above.
To protect yourself from HIV and other STIs engage in monogamous sex with a lifelong partner who shares your values.
Sounds like too much trouble?
Go ahead.
Do it Danny's way.
Die of AIDS.
Be our guest.
But please don't be a whiny bitch about it.
And please don't blame Reagan, Republicans, "Christians", Conservatives, Mormons, The Pope, Leviticus, Paul, etc, etc.....

6- Lower your inhibitions the old-fashioned way (therapy and beer)
FALSE.
Alcohol and promiscuous sex are a dangerous combination.
Perhaps not as toxic and lethal as Meth tainted sex but in and of itself a serious problem,
and poor gist for attempts at humor.
As with #4; the real world is full of STDs and pregnancies and regretted actions that were the result of alcohol fueled sex.

7- Stay the fuck away from meth and meth users.
True.

OK, lets add it up.

3 correct answers out of seven.

43% ..... :(

Is that considered an F in Gommorah?

Danny will have to forgo today's skipping and instead spend 2 hours on the CDC website doing remedial study.
More...
Posted by are you smarter than a Fifth Grader? sadly, no. on August 25, 2012 at 1:45 PM · Report this
16
Yeesh. The trolls are out in force today.
Posted by msanonymous on August 25, 2012 at 3:26 PM · Report this
17
@ 16 - No kidding. =/
Posted by MiscKitty on August 25, 2012 at 7:10 PM · Report this
pastanaut 18
My brother primarily (but not exclusively) dated guys before he met his wife. He was dressed as Sporty Spice when they met and she invited him to move in with her as a roommate, thinking that he was gay. They started dating a month later and have been together for over 11 years now. Many people thought that he was gay before, now most people assume that he's straight. Moral of the story: Just because a guy who likes guys ends up with a woman, doesn't mean he's straight. It also doesn't automatically mean that the relationship will fail. (Although she does wish he would wear drag more often.)
Posted by pastanaut on August 25, 2012 at 9:26 PM · Report this
19
Forgive me for an unrelated comment. I am a new podcast listener and started from the last archived episode so I'm not quite caught up yet. I listened to the latest podcast to make make sure you guidelines hadn't changed for questions, AFTER I called. Like a dolt. If you would help, I'd appreciate your insight even though I'm a rule breaker. So you know who I am, the last 4 digits of my call back are 1297 and i'm in pennsylvania. Thanks for the great Podcast/blog either way.
Posted by Lookwhoitis on August 26, 2012 at 2:36 AM · Report this
20
And I just saw you're on hiatus. And I don't know why I was being so secretive about my identity. I'm not leatarded... I had a car accident today and I'm on drugs. yeah it's the drugs.
Posted by Lookwhoitis on August 26, 2012 at 2:43 AM · Report this
21
Bah, most of my straight male friends (myself included) are suspected-gay by, uh, people who think about that shit a lot, somewhere between "occasionally" and "all the time". Some are unequivocally straight, some pretty-much-straight, some are bi-ish. Some are even surprisingly-gay-seeming (again, if one is paying attention to those sorts of things) and in serious, long-term relationships with women (whom they have great sex with, if stories are to be believed). Greater acceptance of homosexuality also means acceptance of a wider variety of being-male and being-female, regardless of who you like to fuck - which means, a lot more gay-acting straight dudes who /really are/ straight.

It's reasonable to raise questions of someone who's in a position where they're facing significant coercion against being non-straight (from family, friends, religion, unmentioned russian ortho priest dad, self-imposed things). But, if he was comfortable enough to explore same sex things, comfortable talking about it, had people around him that were okay with it, shouldn't we assume if he wanted to be _______, he would be _______? It seems very problematic to privilege people's 1990's-era gaydar (picturing a clunky nokia cell phone that still has "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" background pics and a Rhythm is a Dancer ringtone) over his OWN ACTUAL (seemingly honest) NARRATIVE about his sexuality. Sexuality is a goddamned mystery, even for people who are married, so the external narrative always covers up complexities - but it seems important that he be given the right to construct that narrative himself, at least. (Again, barring coercion and circumstance, of which there is a lot in the world.)

As for planting seeds in his wife's mind - sure, fine - but I would hope that, if he and his future wife's discourse about his (and her) sexuality isn't 10x beyond the level of web forum support groups, there are more fundamental problems REGARDLESS of how he feels about dudes versus chicks. (That said, the reason such things exist is because lots of people HAVE fundamental problems...)

More...
Posted by omggayness on August 27, 2012 at 3:19 PM · Report this
Pepper Mynts 22
@10 - Hot.

@12 - Thanks.

Wow. I'm a straight girl, and just last weekend I had hot protected anal sex on a first date. It was awesome. Am I missing something?
Posted by Pepper Mynts on August 27, 2012 at 4:05 PM · Report this
23
22

Moral values?
Posted by how much do you charge for a "first date"? on August 27, 2012 at 5:52 PM · Report this
24
Yeah, okay, but you're still misinterpreting that 2003 study. It showed that women experience physiological arousal in reaction to male and female erotica--not DESIRE. Arousal is a dilation/lubrication thing, and the women in the study also exhibited it in reaction to footage of baboons mating. They exhibited it in reaction to erect males but not flaccid males. One interpretation was that physiological arousal is an evolutionary defense mechanism against permanent damage from rape; another was that women were aroused by images of women because of society's equation of women with sexiness. There were others, too. You've really run with this one study that had a lot of different conditions and myriad possible interpretations.
Posted by Belle Starr on August 27, 2012 at 9:08 PM · Report this
Pepper Mynts 25
@23 I've those in spades. What is more immoral about anal sex than vaginal sex on a first date? I, the person penetrated, initiated both, and he enthusiastically obliged--with a condom. If you're not slut shaming me here, I still fail to see the problem.

Dan?
Posted by Pepper Mynts on August 28, 2012 at 9:21 AM · Report this
26
@22, my interpretation is that the top shouldn't be pushing anal for a first-date activity. If you were the bottom, and you love anal, I don't see any reason why you can't ask for it.
Posted by EricaP on August 28, 2012 at 9:34 AM · Report this
Pepper Mynts 27
Thanks, Erica @26! Now that you mention it, that makes sense. I'm always the one to initiate anal, so it's hard for me to imagine as commonplace scenarios in which bottoms are pressured. But if bottoms tend to feel pressured (on a first date or otherwise) that way, I totally see where Dan's rule is coming from. Whew!
Posted by Pepper Mynts on August 28, 2012 at 7:39 PM · Report this
28
Christ, why can't a guy seem a bit gay without people getting up in his business?
Posted by niko4ever on August 29, 2012 at 8:53 AM · Report this
29
"Heterosexual and homosexual women, if legit scientific research is to be believed, "tend to become sexually aroused by both male and female erotica, and, thus, have a bisexual arousal pattern," according to the results of 2003 study conducted at LUG-infested Northwestern University. Men, on the other hand, prefer erotica that plays exclusively to their professed sexual orientation. Which means, of course, that female sexuality is a fluid and male sexuality is a solid. Or something."

Sorry Dan, but this "Research" is fake, and I would not call some statistic a "Research", because I am a scientist, a researcher with 4 patents. I am a woman and only attracted and aroused by men, naked or clothed. Seeing 2 chicks doing something together makes me puke, ok not really puke, but I am repulsed by it. And I am tired of being brainwashed by media that I should be attracted to women too, or otherwise it means something is wrong with me.
Posted by Ada on September 14, 2012 at 2:26 AM · Report this
30
My closeted brother married his big fat obnoxious controlling fag hag. He's an idiot.
Posted by Not Henpecked on October 13, 2013 at 12:15 PM · Report this

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