Slog

Slog Music

Music, Nightlife,
and Drinks

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A Critical Overview of The Stranger

Posted by on Wed, Aug 22, 2012 at 9:00 AM

cover-400.jpeg
We're observing Slog silence from now until 11 a.m. while we have an editorial meeting, but look—we made an entire paper's worth of stuff for you! Here's what Todd Akin has to say.

When you're trying to make a comeback from a misstatement, as I guess I am, you have to take every opportunity handed to you. At least that's what Chelsea, my new media-relations expert, tells me, and she seems to know what she's doing. "I understand it's not even in your home state," Chelsea said about this public editor thing, "but it'll make you look honest and trustworthy." So here I am.

First off, I just don't get what this "Campaign Button" news story is supposed to be about. My fellow Republican Rob McKenna put a "Chicks for Rob" button on his Facebook page. So what? From what I understand from my wife, it's fine. She said she thought it was "cute." If there's some issue here, the punishment ought to be on Facebook and not on a politician just trying to reach out to the fairer sex, who can be awfully touchy sometimes, especially when Aunt Flo is in town, if you catch my drift.

Skipping back a few pages, GOLDY (no last name given) gets pretty bitchy about Safeway, which the ladies usually love. Is she just "O.T.R.," so to speak? And if so, can't she hold it in? The female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down—

Goddamnit.

Sorry. I just got word from Chelsea, and I have to say something here. Apparently, despite what the ol' ball and chain says, some ladies do find the word "chick" to be pretty offensive, apparently. I apologize if anyone was offended by my innocent phrasing of what is apparently a delicate matter...

Fuuuuuuck.

Okay. Look. Apparently, it was offensive for me to say that ladies, I mean females—wait, what? I mean women—that women can be touchy. In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it's clear that I misspoke in this column, and it does not reflect the deep empathy I hold for the thousands of female women who have menstruation every year. When I am elected, these female menstruating women will have no stronger advocate in the Senate to help ensure they are not subjected to bear or shark attacks. But, of course, I believe deeply in the protection of all life, including sharks and bears, and I do not believe that harming another innocent victim is the right course of action. The fact is, blood leaking out of womenfolks' bellybuttons can lead to shark and bear attacks. Should born or unborn sharks or bears be the ones to suffer? Moving on...

Wait, really? I guess I've made a couple of serious mistakes here that were just wrong and I need to apologize for those. I made all those earlier statements in error. I used the wrong words in the wrong way. What I said was ill-conceived and it was wrong. I also know that more than "thousands" of America's better half menstruate every year. I didn't mean to imply that that wasn't the case. It does happen, and it's an awful thing—the worst thing that can ever happen to a lady...

Oh, shit. I give up.

 

Comments (6) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
6 1
Best Critical Overview yet.
Posted by 6 on August 22, 2012 at 9:22 AM · Report this
Pick1 2
Agree with @1
Posted by Pick1 on August 22, 2012 at 9:41 AM · Report this
Fred Casely 3
I also give up. Birch can stay dead.
Posted by Fred Casely on August 22, 2012 at 9:43 AM · Report this
A.S.Sexton 4
I love that magazine. Great job.
Posted by A.S.Sexton http://www.alwayssexsurrender.webs.com on August 22, 2012 at 10:42 AM · Report this
dnt trust me 5
I feel like that puzzle girl
Posted by dnt trust me on August 22, 2012 at 11:00 AM · Report this
ScrawnyKayaker 6
This and last week's were the least disappointing since A. Birch's lamented passing into the kill file, except for the "blurbicle" edition. I vote for that vacuous skank for the full-time replacement. Each week could have 3 Least Coherent Articles or 2 Most Stoned Editors list!
Posted by ScrawnyKayaker on August 22, 2012 at 11:07 AM · Report this

Add a comment

Advertisement
 

Want great deals and a chance to win tickets to the best shows in Seattle? Join The Stranger Presents email list!


All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC
1535 11th Ave (Third Floor), Seattle, WA 98122
Contact | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy