Slog

News & Arts

Line Out

Music & the City
at Night

« SL Letter of the Day: Betty Crocker… | I Could Watch Gag Reels Forever »

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Retail / Teh Internets "Product Has a Thousand Uses"

Posted by David Schmader on Tue, Aug 21, 2012 at 11:16 AM

Victorio Kitchen Products

Need a break from all the lies and stunning mischaracterizations of rape? Please enjoy the epic pleasures of the Amazon customer reviews for the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer.

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed.

Having already lost eight of ten fingers to cutting bananas with a kitchen knife, I was about ready for a wonderful product like the 571B to come along. And not a moment too soon!
That last sentence took me 17 minutes to type out - if I had found this slicer earlier, perhaps things would be different.. but you can't live in the past...that would be counter-prodvutcvbe TVECVCZ CVZVCXCVCXZV CVCZZVCVZXVCVXVXXZC ZVXCZVCXVZCXVZCZVXCXXCZXZCXCVX

Dude. I totally got this in the mail and I thought it was going to, like, slice all my bananas for me. You have to PICK THE THING UP and TAKE IT TO THE BANANA and PUT YOUR HANDS ON IT AND OPEN THE BANANA and THEN LAY THE PEELED BANANA DOWN and THEN SLICE IT and THEN PUT THE PIECES IN YOUR MOUTH. WTF

So much more. Thank you, Metafilter.

FacebookShare

Comments (11) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

I had a friend leave one of those at my house! I have never used it and this article has convinced me to continue not using it!

Posted by Zog in PDX on August 21, 2012 at 11:34 AM

Um.

Wow.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on August 21, 2012 at 11:35 AM

I've been reading the reviews. [God], that's funny.

Posted by Allyn on August 21, 2012 at 11:47 AM

The last model I used was the 541R. After it killed my dog, I swore I'd never use another banana slicer, but it looks like they worked that bug out of the design.

Posted by MacCrocodile

on August 21, 2012 at 11:51 AM

This thing CRIES OUT for a Banana Slicer Cleaner, maybe 18 small bristle brushes mounted vertically on a dishwasher-safe base.

*pittypattypittypattypittypatty* [runs off to the patent ...making place]

Posted by rob!

on August 21, 2012 at 11:56 AM

How long until someone at Amazon deletes the reviews for being frivolous or something? Delightful.

Posted by thatsnotright on August 21, 2012 at 12:00 PM

@6, Amazon is usually pretty good about leaving up reviews like these, search '3 wolf moon t-shirt' and 'tuscan milk' for other Amazon review-y goodness.

Posted by sloegin on August 21, 2012 at 1:05 PM

Or, for horrifyingly "funny" comments,

http://www.amazon.com/Touched-The-Jerry-…

For Jerry Sandusky's biography. Written pre-trial obviously.

Posted by Sandiai on August 21, 2012 at 2:30 PM

At 1:06. Haven't you ever seen a sliced banana before?

Posted by kk in seattle on August 21, 2012 at 5:10 PM

the thing we know as a banana (technically a Cavendish Banana) was man made and not "natural" (Take THAT creationist banana fondlers!) But it is also run into trouble as a plant and real scientist believe we are seeing its end of days. Once we have no more sweet bananas will they sell this as a plantain slicer? Seems like a smaller market.

Posted by frankdawg on August 22, 2012 at 6:30 AM