• Victorio Kitchen Products

Need a break from all the lies and stunning mischaracterizations of rape? Please enjoy the epic pleasures of the Amazon customer reviews for the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer.

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed.

Having already lost eight of ten fingers to cutting bananas with a kitchen knife, I was about ready for a wonderful product like the 571B to come along. And not a moment too soon!
That last sentence took me 17 minutes to type out - if I had found this slicer earlier, perhaps things would be different.. but you can't live in the past...that would be counter-prodvutcvbe TVECVCZ CVZVCXCVCXZV CVCZZVCVZXVCVXVXXZC ZVXCZVCXVZCXVZCZVXCXXCZXZCXCVX

Dude. I totally got this in the mail and I thought it was going to, like, slice all my bananas for me. You have to PICK THE THING UP and TAKE IT TO THE BANANA and PUT YOUR HANDS ON IT AND OPEN THE BANANA and THEN LAY THE PEELED BANANA DOWN and THEN SLICE IT and THEN PUT THE PIECES IN YOUR MOUTH. WTF

So much more. Thank you, Metafilter.