Even though I was already six years old when it came out, this internet PSA had a profound effect on me. And it revisits my anxieties to this day, tormenting my waking hours and sleepless nights. They seemed so smart and so sure! (Except for the one with the glasses.) The only thing they got wrong was that "In less than an hour" bit. It SHOULD have said:
"In less than an hour, you can: mindlessly scroll Twitter and forget what you went on there for in the first place; read narcissistic status updates on Facebook and then make a Facebook status update about how you're not getting anything done because you keep reading status updates on Facebook; receive approximately 37 e-mail offers for Viagra, free steak dinners at Outback Steakhouse, cash loans, and senior dating websites; get in a comment section argument about something that has absolutely no effect on your life and you forget about 10 minutes later; and sign up for the next big social media platform that goes nowhere.
And now I spend all day on the internet every day, and I spend more of that time than I care to admit engaged in the turbid middle ground between internet activity and real-life indolence. At night I am agonized by the voices of children: "Shouldn't everybody be on the internet?" they accuse. Choruses of them call out "YES!" And I whimper my own agreement, wrest myself from sleep, and get back on the internet. I spend my weekends cooking cat food cupcakes for my roommates' cat. If only I'd never watched this video. DAMN YOU MONTANA INTERNET BULLIES.