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Thursday, August 16, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Maybe More Vanilla Than I Thought

Posted by on Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 1:31 PM

Dear Dan,

I’m a 23 straight female, and I need some advice. The other night, after we both drank heavily, my boyfriend, 24, revealed he was wearing my underwear, he wanted to be pegged, and he wanted me to call him a bitch. We’ve been together for over 5 years (lived together for 4), and we’ve only had sex with each other, so this came as quite a surprise, especially since he’s never been terribly interested in sex. Before, we had sex maybe once or twice a month and only when he was horny (I don’t initiate because he always says no). This was initially worrisome to me a) because he has difficulty maintaining an erection during vaginal intercourse, and b) since I’ve been indulging some of his kinks (I’ve tied him up, put makeup on him, called him a bitch, fingered him etc.), we’ve been having sex a lot more often. He assured me that he isn’t gay though, so, in a fairly short amount of time (2 weeks), I’ve become more comfortable.

However, I feel I may be more vanilla than I initially thought. I like some of the light BDSM, but the crossdressing and anal play is more difficult for me. A friend of mine suggested reading your blog, which I have, and I’m trying to be GGG. I just don’t know what to do because I like my men more masculine. I don’t mind indulging him once in a while (he says he likes the “wrongness” of being “vulnerable” with me), but his requests are escalating, and I’m afraid he’s going to ask for something I really don’t want to do, and I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or think he can’t share his desires with me. When I’m drunk, I am much more game and can just be turned on by him being turned on, but when I’m sober, some of the stuff completely turns me off.

1. The sex has been better and more frequent (something I’ve always wanted). Should I just buck up and do it, my own arousal be damned?

2. How much should I be willing to do? (e.g., I’m not sure I can wear a strap-on with him, something he asked for the first night.)

3. I’ve told him some of my fantasies, which he didn’t seem too keen on (I want to have sex in semi-public, like a car; he said it wasn’t feasible). I also asked him to do some research on how to please me better since I’ve done a lot of research on this, and he is unwilling. He can’t give me a clitoral orgasm anymore, and I’ve never had a vaginal one. Am I within my rights to demand a little more from him?

4. Lastly, and I feel stupid asking this, but do you think there is a possibility my boyfriend (who I know loves me) might be gay or bi and not know it yet/be repressing it?

Too Confused for Clever Acronyms

My response after the jump...

Dear Too Confused for Clever Acronyms:

The sex has been better and more frequent because your boyfriend has finally been able to reveal his desires and fantasies to you. That’s a big deal, and when it happens, many people can go through a phase of being selfish and self-centered. It’s fantastic for him that you’ve been game to try them, and I want to applaud you for being so open and validating to him; whatever happens between the two of you, you’ve made a huge difference in his life by accepting his fantasies. But if you want more sex, getting more of a kind of sex you’re not necessarily into isn’t going to scratch your itch. You should never sideline your own desires or arousal—you’ll just end up unsatisfied and resentful. It seems like you are trying really hard to be GGG, but he’s not doing the same. If you’re willing to try out some of his fantasies, he should be willing to do some of what you like, which he’s not. He’s “unwilling” to figure out how to give you an orgasm? That seems unreasonable.

Sure, your boyfriend could be gay or bisexual, but my take is different: I think he’s a crossdresser who gets super turned on by gender play (and most crossdressers are heterosexual actually). His desires totally fit the bill. There is also a possibility that he may not just love gender play, but he may be genderqueer or transgender. Either way, his desire to wear women’s underwear and makeup and explore a feminine persona or his own femininity and your desire for masculine men may be difficult to resolve. This scenario reminds me a lot of two fabulous books by Helen Boyd you should definitely read, My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser, and the follow up: She’s Not The Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband. I’m concerned that when you’re sober, you’re turned off by the crossdressing and anal sex. You’ve clearly opened his Pandora’s Box, so there’s really no going back now. I assume that he wants more crossdressing and anal sex, not less. There is a lot going on in this situation and lots of questions for you to ask yourselves and each other. Can you meet his needs without sacrificing your own or doing things that turn you off? Can he step up to the plate and meet your desires? If the answers are yes, you’ve got a place to start. If the answers are no, it may be time to part ways.

 

Comments (53) RSS

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1
Her boyfriend sounds incredibly selfish and not very interested in/concerned with her emotions. If Dan were here, I think he'd say DTMFA. It's certainly what I want to say.
Posted by Centrists Rule the World today on August 16, 2012 at 1:37 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 2
He is not gay or bi, but he is selfish. He won't grow because you are all he's known. Dump him - you both need the learning experience.
Posted by Matt from Denver on August 16, 2012 at 1:46 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 3
Why is it that commenters on SLLOTD are so fucking eager for the letter writer to dump whoever they're with?

They've been together five fucking years!

Christ people. She should just insist that he agree to indulge in some of her fantasies too, since she's indulging in his. He'll probably come around. If he absolutely refuses? Yeah, then she can consider that he's not who she thought he was, but come on people, seriously.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on August 16, 2012 at 1:51 PM · Report this
TVDinner 4
These two are incompatible. Move on.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on August 16, 2012 at 1:52 PM · Report this
5
Urgutha... it's because she isn't getting anything in return. When you give more than you get, the relationship has soured.
Posted by Man_in_the_mirror on August 16, 2012 at 1:52 PM · Report this
6
@1 It's a 5 year relationship, and if I am reading this correctly, this particular behavior has only been going on for 2 weeks. The guy finally admitted, perhaps to himself for the first time, what he wanted and is going a little crazy now that he has the keys to the candy shop.

TCfCA needs to be in touch with her own tolerances, but in the near term, I would council that she indulge him for a couple more weeks, while gently but increasingly firmly reminding him outside of sexy time that he is running up a large deficit on the ledger. Hopefully he'll come around on his own.

Eventually and perhaps soon if TCfCA is starting to feel resentful, she may need to cut him off; nothing special for him until he does for her.

I don't think TCfCA needs to dump this guy; he's already put his leash in her hands.
Posted by Eventually, he'll also need to make up for prior years on August 16, 2012 at 1:54 PM · Report this
Noadi 7
The selfishness is the real problem here. If he was being more reciprocal by indulging her fantasies and giving her orgasms (a pretty important bit of reciprocity if he's having orgasms) then I doubt his crossdressing and desire for anal play would be as much of a turn off for her even if it never becomes a turn on. GGG has to go both ways and it sounds like it isn't.
Posted by Noadi http://noadi.net on August 16, 2012 at 1:55 PM · Report this
TVDinner 8
Not only that, but she can hardly bring herself to indulge his kinks when she's sober. These two are not compatible and probably should have broken up a long time ago. A lot of people stay in relationships because they're afraid of being alone, not because the relationship is worthwhile. I say DTMFA. Eating dinner with your cat is probably more fun than this, and you're not expected to fuck the cat in the ass after doing the dishes, either.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on August 16, 2012 at 1:56 PM · Report this
9
He "can't" give her a clitoral orgasm any more? What kind of b.s. is that? I've been a male Kinsey 6 for nearly 70 years and even I could manage to do that if it were important to keep a relationship I valued healthy and happy. That selfish baby boy needs a slap upside the head. Yes, I said selfish and baby. Maybe it would be a good idea for the LW to begin "can't"-ing, too, to see how much the POS BF likes "can't" in the bedroom.
Posted by Calpete on August 16, 2012 at 1:58 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 10
@5,
She isn't getting anything in return? Nothing at all? Then why'd she stay for 5 years?

Besides, she said she likes that they're having more sex. That sounds like something.

Also, read what @6 wrote.

I repeat: If everyone took the advice of typical SLLOTD commenters, no relationship would last longer than 20 minutes, every woman would be single, and every man would be in prison for rape.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on August 16, 2012 at 1:59 PM · Report this
11
If you like this guy and aren't looking for an excuse to dump him, try pushing him to be more GGG, with a carrot/stick approach: more of the sex he likes as the carrot, and dumping as the stick if you don't get an equal amount of sex that you like.

Try making Friday nights about you, and Saturday nights for him. On Friday night he does what you want, including semi-public sex -- that's what deserted roads at 2 am are for. If he's worried about staying hard, or if he's not ready for the real thing, then baby steps count. He can start by going down on you or using a vibe on you; also try masturbating while he drives on the highway -- he can talk dirty to you and tweak your nipples so that you feel he's there with you.

On Saturday, you do what he wants. If you are turned off by his request, try baby steps. One Saturday, you shop for a strap-on and harness. Another Saturday you practice putting it on and prancing around, getting to know your cock. (Really, give it a try, it's fun having a cock!) Another Saturday you rub it around the outside of his hole with a lot of lube. Another Saturday you lube it up and put just the tip in. Tease him, have fun with it.

If he doesn't step up on Friday, don't give him what he wants on Saturday. The rest of the week is for the kind of sex you both enjoy -- but he needs to get back in the habit of focusing on your orgasm as well. I'm all about people owning their own orgasms, but he should be touching your body while you orgasm even if a vibe is brought in to get you over the edge.

I wouldn't worry about not being kinky enough. Two weeks is not very long; you're doing amazingly well. But based on his history of rejecting you ("I don’t initiate because he always says no"), my bet is that he'll make a lot of promises, and won't fulfill any of them. If so, dump him in a month, and go look for someone who understands that relationships are built out of compromise and shared orgasms.
More...
Posted by EricaP on August 16, 2012 at 2:13 PM · Report this
12
LW- For 5 years you've been deferring to his sexual wants/needs and shelving your own. Seriously? You stopped asking for sex because he was always shooting you down? Once or twice a month?

You need to be more assertive. Either he's a selfish asshole, or he only acts like a selfish asshole because you let him. Figure out which one it is and act accordingly, but don't allow yourself to continue being this passive or him to continue being this selfish.
Posted by S-Lo on August 16, 2012 at 2:16 PM · Report this
AFinch 13
@10 - FTW: "If everyone took the advice of typical SLLOTD commenters, no relationship would last longer than 20 minutes, every woman would be single, and every man would be in prison for rape. "

Amen Brother!
Posted by AFinch on August 16, 2012 at 2:17 PM · Report this
14
@ EricaP best comment on this letter so far. Totally agree with your points.
Posted by Buffy on August 16, 2012 at 2:17 PM · Report this
15
When Dan returns from vacation, I expect he’s going to be unhappy with the commenters’ behavior for the babysitter in his absence.

Posted by sall on August 16, 2012 at 2:18 PM · Report this
mikethehammer 16
People have been having sex in cars since... well, shortly after the invention of cars obviously. I was gonna say since the first one rolled off the assembly line, but then I've no doubt whatsoever people have fucked in a car that was still on the line. Yeah, he sounds kind of like a jerk.
Posted by mikethehammer on August 16, 2012 at 2:34 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 17
@ 3, I agree that most commenters are too quick to pull that trigger. However, these are young people. They NEED to experience other relationships. I'd tell her to dump him for that reason alone, never mind that he's a dick.
Posted by Matt from Denver on August 16, 2012 at 2:34 PM · Report this
balderdash 18
Okay, god dammit, if you have ever even heard of Dan Savage and you still immediately jump to the conclusion that a guy is obviously gay if he expresses even the slightest kink, you are unforgivably stupid and you need to have your sex license revoked. And yes, I got the part about the friend recommending Savage Love, whatever. I'm just tired of hearing that same tired old "he says he not gay, though" crap. It doesn't even make sense!

Aaaaaanyway, this guy was dumb as hell to leave all this in the closet until the fifth year of a relationship, but maybe he wasn't even comfortable with it himself until now. That being the case, it's well within your rights to put some limits on it for now while you get your chance to take it nice and slow getting used to it, TCfCA, not to mention asking for equal time for your interests and emotional and sexual needs in return. The only thing you can't do is just shut down, unless you just want to break up and go find someone more vanilla. That's... probably not the best course of action here, though.
Posted by balderdash http://introverse.blogspot.com on August 16, 2012 at 2:39 PM · Report this
19
I'm with @16 - millions of teenagers have found it quite "feasible" to have sex in cars.

Posted by westello on August 16, 2012 at 2:41 PM · Report this
seandr 20
LW, you are sexually incompatible. You're both fems, although he's the selfish sort and you're more of a giver, and you're both looking for a masculine partner.

Even if you were into fems, which you clearly aren't, I'd say avoid this one.

Go find yourself a kind, strong, gentle, manly man.
Posted by seandr on August 16, 2012 at 2:43 PM · Report this
21
This line bothers me: "He can’t give me a clitoral orgasm anymore, "

Wait... "can't...anymore?" In other words, he used to be able to give you clitoral orgasms, but now he "can't anymore?" How does that work, exactly? Unless he has either lost whatever appendages he was using, or refuses to use them -- if it's refusal, then the word really should be "won't" -- then he's still doing what used to work, only now it doesn't. What would cause that?

The obvious explanation is that you are unhappy with him, so your arousal isn't coming up when he tries to work on you. That isn't something that's going to be solved by more research. Unless the reason is that you are mad at him specifically because he won't do the research, but I don't think that's the case here. You are clearly pretty turned off by some of his kinks, so I'd say doing the research is an excuse.

The overall effect of your letter is that you are turned off by him, but want to make it all his fault. Yes, he does have some things to answer for, and needs to step up his game, but if you are as turned off by him as you let on, then he is operating at a serious disadvantage that isn't his fault. Perhaps this is just not a good match after all.

Now, as to what you can reasonably expect from him:

If you've never had a vaginal orgasm, you don't have any right to demand one from him or hold it against him. You don't even know yet if you are capable of them. Some women are not. You do get to demand that he works with you on trying for them.

( I notice you want to demand that he play with your private parts in certain ways to achieve certain effects, but you don't seem to want to do the same for him and his ass. Might want to check your motivations there.)

"Semi-public sex" can land you on the Sex Offender's Registry if you get caught. He isn't in the wrong to view it with trepidation. Yes, late nights and secluded locations are the solution, but be very careful.
More...
Posted by avast2006 on August 16, 2012 at 3:05 PM · Report this
22
I say DTMFA without further thought. He has already proven to be a shitty boyfriend, and you aren't attracted to effeminate men, end of story.
Posted by michael bell on August 16, 2012 at 3:22 PM · Report this
23
@3, 10 - I like for people to stick together (I'm extremely traditional in a lot of ways); but in this case, there are red flags all over the place, not just in his behavior but in her attitude towards it. The length of time they've been together is actually a liability - she's putting up with a lot less from him and putting out a lot more for him than she should because she "knows" he "loves" her. DTMFA is the right corrective here - she needs to know that she can walk away. And like other folks have said, they sound very incompatible sexually. He wants a very dominant woman, and she clearly doesn't enjoy being that. If she said "I really enjoy pegging him, but I also like x, y, z" I'd feel differently. He's also got controlling tendencies (a guy turning down his SO when she initiates sex? Unless he's not attracted to her, that's control-freak territory). It just doesn't paint a very pretty picture.
Posted by Centrists Rule the World today on August 16, 2012 at 3:26 PM · Report this
balderdash 24
Okay, I reread the letter instead of skimming it. Revisions to my comment:

1) No, for fuck's sake, again, this is not because he's secretly gay. He's kinky and selfish. That is not the same. Being kinky doesn't make him gay. Say that to yourself ONE THOUSAND TIMES. And don't even get me started on how stupid it is to wonder if this is because he's bi, because, hey, guess what? Bi guys still like women! Argh! I am having an aneurysm because of how stupid it is that I have to point that out! Glurb! dfkjnfffffffffffffffffffffffffff

2) Dump him, because he is selfish and bratty and you're clearly not the rare, domme-y kind of person who likes selfish and bratty in a partner.
Posted by balderdash http://introverse.blogspot.com on August 16, 2012 at 3:41 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 25
You know, I missed that this had been going on for only 2 weeks. If this had been going on for months or years, as this letter seems to draw it out as, then I'd understand. But, LW...he JUST opened up to you. Yeah, he's going to be asking for it...a lot. And, he's been escalating it for a WHOLE 2 weeks. Goodness gracious, girl. TWO WEEKS! That's a lifetime! You could watch a whole couple of seasons of American Idol in that time!

Seriously, LW, this is one of those more make it or break it situations. If you don't like having a sissy (that's a term for a guy who likes to be feminized for sex) for a partner, it's time to reassess the relationship. If its a deal breaker, and you write it like it is, let him find a woman who would find this incredibly hot. Because they're out there.

But, you've been in this relationship for 5 years. 2 weeks out of 5 years (or, 0.7% of your relationship) is a bit soon to push the emergency red eject button. Give it a little time. If you find you don't care for it, you could either let him go get it somewhere else (and get yours somewhere else too in the bargain), or go find somebody you're more compatible with.

But, give it a bit more time. He's really excited because he's getting to realize his long-hidden fantasies and may need to be taken off his cloud of OMG YAY in order for you guys to get some vanilla sex along with the down and dirty kink.

P.S. I agree that he sounds selfish right now, but I think its largely because he's just coming out. Everybody who comes out is incredibly loud and obnoxious. Its kind of endearing to watch the college kids newly fascinated with their sexuality push it in people's faces. That's probably what's happening right now with this guy.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on August 16, 2012 at 3:46 PM · Report this
26
Dump him now. Sounds exactly like my relationship with my ex husband. He is now a she, and is uncertain of "her" sexual preference now. Our sexual relationship degraded over time until it was non-existent. I was very GGG at the beginning and even helped with make-up, and pegged him even though it didn't turn me on. My sexual needs were never met, and I was too young and dumb to realize it. I wish Dan was around years ago when I needed advice! Move on!
Posted by dubious451 on August 16, 2012 at 3:47 PM · Report this
27
Bring in a third party, someone manly to boss you both around.
Posted by Ben on August 16, 2012 at 3:55 PM · Report this
28
It's pretty awesome that he opened up, now she needs to do the same. If she can learn how to do prostate massages, he can stand to spend some time working on her g-spot. Maybe they can see if he can stay hard during vaginal sex better if she fingers his ass or if he has a butt plug in.

Seems to me that this is a common problem when people have just come out kinky. He is so happy about being able to indulge that sex is all about him, him, him and she feels neglected. It doesn't have to stay that way, but really it's him that needs to learn how to be more GGG now, not her.

Good luck LW, you have the potential to transform this relationship into something much more fulfilling than both of you - but you've got to start making some demands and disclosures of your own, not just indulging him and hoping that he is able to guess what you want.

Oh yeah and for fuck's sake, anal play and enjoying crossdressing do NOT mean he is gay or bi. Seriously.
Posted by planned barrenhood on August 16, 2012 at 4:06 PM · Report this
29
Why do people assume he wants someone manly? Enjoying pegging and wanting to be with someone manly aren't the same thing.

I find it odd she is cool with it when she is drunk but not sober. Sounds like she is a little repressed.

Yeah, he should be seeing to her needs, and is failing. Further, he has been failing for 5 years from the sound of it. If she wants things to work, now is a great time to work them out, which will take more than 2 weeks. If she wants to move on and find someone she is a better match with, that works too. Might be good to make the point that he needs to come out SOONER if she dumps him though, not stay in the closet.
Posted by Spike1382 on August 16, 2012 at 4:13 PM · Report this
balderdash 30
Oh. Yeah, I missed the "two weeks" thing too.

Suck it up for a while longer, have a serious talk with him, and if shit doesn't get a lot better within a month or two, THEN dump him.
Posted by balderdash http://introverse.blogspot.com on August 16, 2012 at 4:21 PM · Report this
AnberNen 31
@11 nailed this. So much so that I honestly don't know why people are still in the comments saying other stuff.
Posted by AnberNen on August 16, 2012 at 4:25 PM · Report this
Reverse Polarity 32
Two weeks into a new kink, and you're kind of freaking out a bit. Totally understandable. Even his selfish behavior is somewhat understandable. This is all new and exciting and very cool for him. Of course he wants more of it!

But... this selfishness has to end. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but within a reasonable amount of time (whatever that is for you). A relationship is a two way street. It is fantastic that you are trying to be GGG. But if you are going to be a good sport about all this, he absolutely needs to reciprocate. Don't be a doormat. BOTH of your sexual needs are important for a healthy relationship, not just his alone.

"Honey, I'd be happy to try a strap-on... just as soon as you fuck me in the back seat of the car like a lumberjack. Until then, that strap-on stays in the box." Tit for tat.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on August 16, 2012 at 4:37 PM · Report this
33
@25: But it hasn't been going on for 2 weeks. For five years she's been dealing with rejection and infrequent orgasms and for the last 2 weeks she's been dealing with rejection, infrequent orgasms, and escalating kinky demands that finally pushed her over the top.
Posted by chi_type on August 16, 2012 at 5:05 PM · Report this
34
I would dump him just for telling me that one of the sexual desires I've admitted I'd like to explore with him was "not feasible." WTH? Is she dating her college History professor? Ok, sorry if I sound flip, but in light of her very supportive and positive response to his out of the blue requests, this seems unbelievably selfish. Also, I don't think this girl deserves such a backlash for wondering if her boyfriend might be gay or bisexual. She asked, she didn't assume. We're not all born with an innate knowledge of the attributes that define every given sexual preference. This is her first experience with something like this--what's with the pile on? She didn't recoil in horror or call her partner names or condemn him for asking her to do things that are slightly out of her comfort zone. She tried to be supportive, sought advice from friends, researched ways to please him and reached out for help by someone a friend told her was an expert in these kinds of matters. If you ask me, this girl deserves way better, both from her boyfriend and from the snarky know-it-all naysayers here who are making such a huge production over what is a pretty understandable question from someone who admits she's still a bit vanilla when it comes to a situation like this.
Posted by KTMac on August 16, 2012 at 5:34 PM · Report this
35
I think part of GGG is that is it a TWO WAY STREET. Like that whole biblical honor thy father and mother thing, that if read in totally reads something like "...and parents be WORTHY of that honor". Far be for me to use the bible here, but even "god" thinks that relationships are bidirectional. I think that this is early, and after 5 yr, giving it some time to work out- but you have a right and responsibility to yourself to make sure that this sexual satisfaction goes both ways. If he won't do his part, THEN dump him. I have a CD friend, and we have discussed that this might be hard for a vanilla girl to handle- both his male (very dominant) and female (very submissive) aspects. But for you to even try to be a part of this potentially awesome open and kinky relationship- it has to be reciprocal. Good luck!
Posted by Emma6912 on August 16, 2012 at 6:09 PM · Report this
36
The boyfriend is a crossdreamer and the reader and her boyfriend might want to check out blogs like this:
http://autogynephilia.blogspot.com/
Posted by Alice Dreger http://www.alicedreger.com on August 16, 2012 at 6:15 PM · Report this
37
TCfCA:
1. Sometimes.
2. Some, but you can still have deal-breakers.
3. Demand a lot more, starting 5 years ago.
4. No.
P.S. Even if you break up, you have to learn to be more assertive. He has. You can too.
Good luck.
Posted by cgd on August 16, 2012 at 6:36 PM · Report this
38
How 'bout something a bit less extreme, and more of a trade off? Like...You wanta to wear my panties? Cool, but not til you make with road head.
Posted by lovesquirrel on August 16, 2012 at 6:42 PM · Report this
39
Re 21: That was rather one-sided, but already getting too long. I do agree that he has been more than unreasonable for five years now, and has some serious shaping up to do.

More things you can reasonably expect out of him:

He needs to stop rejecting you when you initiate. That's just rude, no matter who is doing it.

You need to lay your kink cards on the table, and he needs to seriously consider what it would take to fulfill any of them that wouldn't result in bodily injury, throwing up or getting arrested. That doesn't mean he must say yes; Dan's "Fetish Too Far" still applies, but he does need to give them all a fair ponder.

As others have noted, it's now entirely fair for you, having already provided two weeks of indulgence to him, to start demanding reciprocity here, on pain of your turning off the pleasure tap for him until he starts pulling his weight.
Posted by avast2006 on August 16, 2012 at 7:27 PM · Report this
40
ASSUMING that there is a huge communication breakthrough and he starts realizing that her pleasure is every bit as important as hers, yatta yatta what others have said...I suggest that she OWNS her dominant role and MAKE him give her pleasure! "I'm gunna sit on your face and you're gunna make me cum and once I'm satisfied maybe I'll fuck your ass" etc. But that would also mean she would have to accept the dominant role or they would have to switch. BTW, I'm a hetero guy who loves switching with my wife, including pegging!
Posted by PeggedInPDX on August 16, 2012 at 9:16 PM · Report this
AFinch 41
Ok, so I said @10 FTW, but I need to retract that...@11 gave what is far in a way the most constructive advice. The guy is being selfish for sure.
Posted by AFinch on August 17, 2012 at 3:21 AM · Report this
42
Where is Danny's outrage?....

AP- "An FBI affidavit in the investigation of a shooting Wednesday at the downtown Washington, D.C., offices of the Family Research Council says the accused gunman uttered a statement to the effect of, "I don't like your politics," before reaching into a backpack for a handgun and opening fire.
Homosexual activist Floyd Lee Corkins II, of Herndon, Va., 28, is charged with assault with intent to kill.

"Corkins said he was "given a license" by groups like the Southern Poverty Law Center, which labeled the Family Research Council as a hate group.

"The Southern Poverty Law Center declined an interview request from the program.

"Corkins had volunteered recently at a community center for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.

"The accused gunman's parents told the FBI that their son held "strong opinions with respect to those who do not treat homosexuals in a preferential manner," the affidvit said.

"Corkins had been volunteering for roughly six months at The DC Center for the LGBT Community, according to David Mariner, executive director of the northwest Washington community center. Corkins usually staffed the center's front desk on Saturdays, and his most recent shift was about two weeks ago."
Posted by Shooting Xtians....More Fun Than Pervert Sex!™ on August 17, 2012 at 4:25 AM · Report this
AFinch 43
Ok, @11 has the real win - best practical advice by far.
Posted by AFinch on August 17, 2012 at 6:53 AM · Report this
xjuan 44
This letter is confusing in some ways. Timing is an important issue here. They've been together for five years, of which we know little. She seems to be talking about recent events which started two weeks ago. Still, many commenters say DTMFA. Accusations of selfishness and or being manly. I'd say she has to give it a chance. She just started reading Dan's column. He should do the same. What this relationship needs is a little sex ed. He's within his boundaries now that he's got this new toy: rediscovering who he is. It'd be devastating if he's dumped right now. She needs to give him a break and start working on learning about the power and sexual potential of this new situation. As for him, he needs to remember that he needs her to get what he wants, so he has to be GGG et al. If he wants his needs supplied, her need have to be supplied by him.

Grow up. Study. Practice. Own your orgasms. Pursuit happiness. Be unselfish. Read Savage Love.
Posted by xjuan on August 17, 2012 at 7:22 AM · Report this
xjuan 45
This letter is confusing in some ways. Timing is an important issue here. They've been together for five years, of which we know little. She seems to be talking about recent events which started two weeks ago. Still, many commenters say DTMFA. I'd say she has to give it a chance. She just started reading Dan's column. He should do the same. What this relationship needs is a little sex ed.

He's within his boundaries now that he's got this new toy: rediscovering who he is. It'd be devastating if he's dumped right now. She needs to give him a break and start working on learning about the power and sexual potential of this new situation. As for him, he needs to remember that he needs her in order to get what he wants. Therefore he has to be GGG too. If he wants his needs supplied, he needs to be generous as well.

Love. Grow up. Study. Practice. Own your orgasms. Pursuit happiness. Be unselfish. Read Savage Love.
Posted by xjuan on August 17, 2012 at 7:25 AM · Report this
xjuan 46
Sorry about the unedited version. Smart phones are thumg's worst enemy.
Posted by xjuan on August 17, 2012 at 7:27 AM · Report this
47
A lot going on in that letter. I am unsure what to think.

I kind of want to lay this one against the letter from the "50 Shades of Grey" dude a few days ago, where the husband was throwing up his hands in frustration at his middle-aged wife's new interest in male domination by handsome, 8%-body-fat billionaires. Anyone else seeing a gender-reversal similarity here? Just saying.

21: "The overall effect of your letter is that you are turned off by him, but want to make it all his fault. " She finds his kink a boner-killer ("I just don’t know what to do because I like my men more masculine") and is struggling with her prior attachment that is getting snuffed out by this newly-revealed side to him. That does not make her evil, as we dig what we dig when it comes to such stuff. (Off-topic: Women should consider that when insisting that birth, lactation, etc. should not affect how men see wives. Changes in outward behaviors impact how we view (and lust for) spouses.) It does suggest a break-up is looming, and she is seeking validation to make it not her fault.

She might be the sort of person that Mr. Savage has in mind when he curses the gal who breaks the heart of an honest, hopeful foot-fetishist for being a sicko, only to later find herself married to a dishonest, plotting necrophiliac.

Also, fist bump to 10. People at the Slog tend to want to make someone a bad guy in the story, and demand a dumping. Sometimes there are no bad guys. This looks like a case of no bad guys and no heros.
Posted by Snowguy on August 17, 2012 at 7:40 AM · Report this
lepetitchat 48
She's 23 and has been with the guy for 5 years? And it's her only partner? 2x a month? He's only now allowing sex on his terms? DTMFA because there is just wayyyy too many others out there that are less selfish and more compatible.
Posted by lepetitchat on August 17, 2012 at 7:42 AM · Report this
49
Get rid of that selfish cunt and find a man that satisfies you.
Posted by mykelbarber on August 17, 2012 at 8:43 AM · Report this
50
@47 "She ... is struggling with her prior attachment that is getting snuffed out by this newly-revealed side to him. That does not make her evil, as we dig what we dig when it comes to such stuff. (Off-topic: Women should consider that when insisting that birth, lactation, etc. should not affect how men see wives."

Excellent points. I think that any long relationship is going to go through at least a few of these major changes in sexual appetite or physical appearance. If you panic and jump ship, you're guaranteeing that your relationships won't last that long. So when a transition occurs... try to relax, breathe, and give yourself time to adjust. Keep an open mind about what the future might bring, communicate with your partner, and work to maintain enough physical/sexual connection to sustain you as you each support each other through the transitions.
Posted by EricaP on August 17, 2012 at 9:21 AM · Report this
51
@47: I wasn't trying to suggest that she was evil, just that she may be more seriously turned off by him now than she's letting on. It's possible that the new stuff really is a deal-breaker to her. If that's true, then no amount of good behavior on his part is going to overcome basic revulsion.

On top of the last five years of poor performance, it's a double-whammy, sure. But if the things that used to get her off no longer work, there is either sufficient anger at his failing to step up his game for so long, or sufficient disgust at his new kinks, to have damaged her sexual response towards him. The first of those _is_ his fault, but the second isn't. And she says that the new stuff is a turn-off, so that's where I went looking first.

I agree, two weeks is not very long. She should give it some more time to see if she makes the adjustment to the new him.

AND he needs to realize that it's long past due for him to start reciprocating. He's got five years' backlog of neglect to make up for. The stuff that I mentioned as reasonable to expect/demand from him carries the implication that if he can't or won't, then DTMFA. That would involve sitting down for The Talk, which should be followed by immediate action as proof of good faith on his part. If he fails to immediately step up, or if he drifts back into old habits, that's a fair sign that things aren't going to get better.
Posted by avast2006 on August 17, 2012 at 10:23 AM · Report this
52
Giving up a 5 year relationship because you are not fully sexually compatible! What strange notions we have. Do we still beleive in the fairytale that are partners are going to match us perfectly on every level? That's just not possible. Leaving all the good things because things aren't perfect is a symptom of believing in Prince Charming. He DOESN"T EXIST. Instead consider alternative ways in which you can both share the parts that are compatible in your life and get your other needs met elsewhere. For instance, perhaps he could go see a professional Mistress for his more extreme cross dressing and anal sex needs? A professional is no threat to your relationship but he gets to explore his sexuality. In turn she can also find ways to explore her own sexuality deeper. Perhaps explore some ways to explore outside the monogamous box. Shock horror! All or nothing is not the only answer. There are degrees of relationship.
Posted by Avika de Vine on August 17, 2012 at 2:14 PM · Report this
53
He won't even read up on how to give you an orgasm, or even consider one of your fantasies, but expects you to indulge all of his? And on top of that, five years of very little sex, with refusals any time you tried to initiate? It sounds like he doesn't care about your sexual fulfillment at all. I'd suggest you either DTMFA or--if he's a decent guy outside of the bedroom--open up the relationship so that you can find a sexual partner who's willing to get you off.
Posted by Jupiter on August 17, 2012 at 5:59 PM · Report this

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