To be clear, I don't think The Stranger qualifies as a newspaper. Its writers are partisan hacks, its readers lack the sixth-grade education necessary to appreciate a real newspaper, and according to an official Attorney General Opinion crafted by my crack team of qualified attorneys and former right-wing talk radio hosts, The Stranger is not even printed on actual paper. But in the spirit of the New Direction I have proposed for Washington State (and in compliance with the out-of-court settlement negotiated by Solicitor General Maureen Hart), I have agreed to critique this issue of The Stranger, while acknowledging neither a legal obligation to do so nor the constitutional rights and privileges afforded journalists under the First, Fifth, Fourteenth, or even Third Amendments.
After all, what kind of a real newspaper assigns its books editor to cover a presidential race, as if books have anything to say on important issues? No wonder PAUL CONSTANT is in so completely over his head in attempting to introduce readers to the next president of the United States, Paul Ryan, a man whose plan to eliminate Medicare, slash federal Medicaid funding, and cut taxes on the wealthy is exactly what we need to put America back to work. Not that I'd ever commit to embracing or rejecting similar policies for Washington State. (Not that I'd ever not commit to embracing or rejecting similar policies for Washington State, either.) I didn't need to read past the second sentence, where he calls Ryan an "idiot," to dismiss Constant as the Democrat shill he obviously is. I also didn't bother to read Constant's hack review of a book about cake or his partisan take on some sort of Japanese theater production. Instead of wasting his time writing all these articles as a salaried employee of The Stranger, my suggestion to Mr. Constant is that he should GO GET A JOB!
Also in need of a job is EMILY NOKES, who apparently thinks her position as music editor makes her an expert on which musicians have a right to play music without being locked up in a Russian jail. I've listened to Pussy Riot. At my house, we eat Pussy Riot for breakfast. And as state attorney general, I don't think Pussy Riot qualifies as a feminist punk rock band. Further, Pussy Riot should shut up and speak English.