Slog
News & ArtsThursday, August 9, 2012
Tech / Books / Money Yesterday, I Went to the American Idol for Startups. It Made Me Want to Die.
Posted by Paul Constant on Thu, Aug 9, 2012 at 11:58 AM
They have come here in herds, dressed in business casual. Below their belts, the men are an ocean of khaki, broken intermittently by a cresting pair of Very Expensive Jeans. They wear their finest button-down shirts, but they make sure that those shirts are untucked, to demonstrate their willingness to let it all hang out, to think outside the confines of belted chino. The younger ones are in hoodies, their slouches cribbed thoughtfully from Jesse Eisenberg, who cribbed his slouch thoughtfully from Mark Zuckerberg. The women have it tougher. Their business casual is neither business-minded nor all that casual, a confusing melange of sundresses and sensible slacks, gossamer sweaters tossed over spaghetti straps. They totter about in chunky summer sandals that will leave bloody welts. These women and men have come together to do brutal violence to the English language, to leave the spoken and written word bloodied and victimized on a cold cement floor, wishing for the sweet relief of death.
Or at least, that’s the unintentional result. The ostensible reason they’ve gathered in Showbox SoDo, hiding away from the sunny afternoon in a dark room lousy with power strips, is to stare at a podium and a screen and lose a whole day to PowerPoint. They’re all wearing lanyards with big plastic placards dangling around their navels, their names in huge, humpty-point type and the words “Startup Riot Seattle 2012” and “#occupystartups” at the top. Ostensibly, they’re here to take part in something like an American Idol for startups, in which thirty different entrepreneurs explain their business plans to an audience of a couple hundred people. Their pitch presentations will take three minutes or less, and each pitch will be followed by three minutes of questions from a “panel” of two judges. The winners get guaranteed “face-time” with prominent venture capitalists and support from Startup Riot’s sponsoring organizations.
But, oh, my God, the terrible things these people do to words. It’s like watching some sadist work over a baby lamb with a rusty crowbar and a broken gin bottle. The names of these startups sound like the products of an aggressive brain tumor on the frontal lobe. Crowdegy, Placeling, Kouply, QuoteRobot, Appthwack, Makegood, Onthego, Nickler, Kahal, Tanzio, Taskk. They’re all whimsical and unique in exactly the same way. One of the judges works for Storenvy. The main corporate sponsor for Startup Riot is Mailchimp, along with a flock of smaller sponsors like Uber, Gist, and Twilio. I could staple the mismatched meat of syllables together all afternoon and you wouldn’t be able to tell the legitimate businesses from the illegitimate: Mehole, Kaprah, Yimmy, Blanter, Catzap, Dunzyinonezy, Simplert, Lustaminate.
It gets worse when they start talking about the ideas behind the insipid names.
What do all these words that were seemingly invented by a wizard in a kid’s picture book do? They each solve a specific problem. You ever have trouble organizing an office softball team? Don’t you hate looking at the long list of search results that happen when you type a query into google? (“The problem is…the list.”) Isn’t it awful, having an abundance of news sources? Do you have too many tasks? One pitch begins with a simple, honest mission statement: ““There’s a big problem we all face every day: Information.”
They praise the “cool ecosystem” between a traveler and a concierge. They assure each other that ““Our retail metrics are cost-effective.” They use “input” as a verb, as in, “They turn to our app and input the selections.” “Mobile multitasking in real time” is a promised result. Nobody communicates, they “engage.” Everything is “curated.” They pronounce “integral” like “in-trickle.” They ask each other, “What’s the biggest challenge going forward?” and they decide together that “it’s a marketing challenge, at the end of the day.” They discuss how one app is “a purpose-built tool” with “added value.” There are no words, no photographs, no graphic design. It’s all “content,” which is “consumed.” The event’s website features a Twitter testimonial that reads, “Startup Riot was so good yesterday I couldn’t tweet. I was just deeply engaged in meaningful 1-on-1 conversations.” It’s linguistic nihilism, in which everything means nothing and nothing means anything at all.
In between sets of ten pitches, the Showbox’s sound system blares the Rolling Stone’s “Start Me Up,” or Katy Perry’s “Firework,” and people gather to talk about what they’ve just seen. They’ve paid $40 to $80 a head so that they can “network” and “ideate” together. Every name tag has one of four color stripes at the bottom—red, yellow, blue, and green. During “Lunchtime Chaos,” Startup Riot founders encourage us to get together with strangers in groups of four (one of each color) and share opinions and experiences about relevant “use cases”, preferably over an artisanal grilled cheese sandwich purchased from the food truck parked out front. I hide my name tag (red, for the record) and head off to eat lunch alone.
I know, I know: It’s not like any of this is new, or even that complaining about it is new. Over lunch, I check Twitter. A “promoted tweet” bobs to the top of the feed, asking a question that deserves no answer: “We know you're familiar with cash. But what about CASSH? Learn more on the iShares blog!” The marketers have triumphed. Movies are franchises, politics are relentlessly market-tested, and everyone talks like an idiot. Hell, as I check my e-mail, I notice with a resigned shame that my coworkers—smart people I consider to be excellent writers—are unironically using the word “spearhead” as a verb in an e-mail thread.
I don’t mean to say that these Startup Rioters are bad people, or that people like this have never existed before. Nostalgia is a cunning trap. These are men and women who want to make a living, and they have ideas they believe are valuable, and they want to communicate those ideas, just like everyone else who has ever lived. And I don’t mean to imply that these are all bad ideas. Despite the fact that it has maybe the worst name of the batch, Microryza is a startup idea I could get behind, a Kickstarter for scientific research. If you buy into a specific project, you get access to the research and data as it is recorded, a kind of reality show for science nerds. The startup has already funded a $2000 Uhaul rental to transport a triceratops skeleton from Wyoming to Seattle, as well as a penguin-tagging project. Based on the roughly six minutes of information I have to work with, it sounds like a worthy business model.
The big problem is the cliches and extraneous words. This world of business, these job creators, have specialized to the point where they have developed their own language. This is normal, but the problem is that their language is as tepid and lifeless and dumb as any language that ever existed. It personally bugs me that most of these ideas are for apps, for tiny little pretend squares less than an inch on any side that sit on jittery screens in people’s pockets. And as a critic, it bugs me that these apps are presented in charisma-free pitches, dumbed-down versions of the evangelical corporate slide show that Steve Jobs popularized starting in 2001 when he unveiled the iPod. Everybody knows the routine so well by now that you can practically ignore the whole thing.
You can do anything you want with an idea. It can be as big as you want. It doesn’t have to solve a minor problem that nobody ever really realized was a problem. It doesn’t have to fit into something the size of a button crammed into a “folder” the size of a button on a screen the size of a playing card. But everywhere I look, I see tiny little ideas, ideas that are almost petty in their inconsequentiality. And I come back to those cliches, and I think the real problem is in how little thought goes into the language these people use. When the language you employ to communicate your ideas is small and boring, your ideas are going to be small and boring. And when all your ideas are small and boring, your future gets dimmer and dimmer and more claustrophobic until it’s finally just a pinpoint of light on a dark screen, in danger of going out at any time.
It kills my soul a little every day that I work in this sphere. But, well, it not only pays the bills, it allows me to help pay the bills of various bartenders and baristas around town, so if I can take some money from big banks and give it to them, I guess I've done a tiny economic service.
11
12
@5, I agree.
14
16
18
You would think a Stranger writer would understand that.
It takes a lot of guts to get up on stage and pitch your idea. And it sounds like this crew knew their audience, people who expect to be spoken to in startup language. Language which has evolved (as language has a tendency to do...) into something the people in the community understand. A bit of shorthand, a way to be creative with words that might have meant something else in a different context. And these "apps" you deride may be the next big thing, might be the beginning of a new ecosystem, or could just be exploratory forays for a bigger idea. People are taught to pitch what can get them their ask, so if it's an app that people are willing to fund, but that gets you to your bigger mission, that's what you pitch. You can bet that if Facebook or Yelp or many of the major current Internet players launched today they'd start with an app.
I'd encourage you to consider skipping next year. This is clearly not your thing.
Just so you know, I am a married lesbian who was the President of the The National Lesbian and Gay Health Foundation. My partner is an Air Force Academy grad, former U-2 Pilot and now in medical school.
My mother in law just wrote- "Above All Things" about an Evangelical Christian and her journey accepting her daughter.
So, you are more than welcome to write whatever you want, but I like to put out there my outness.
28
"... I think it's because the government has outlawed technology. We're not allowed to develop new drugs with the FDA charging $1.3 billion per new drug. You're not allowed to fly supersonic jets, because they're too noisy. You're not allowed to build nuclear power plants, say nothing of fusion, or thorium, or any of these other new technologies that might really work.
So, I think we've basically outlawed everything having to do with the world of stuff, and the only thing you're allowed to do is in the world of bits. And that's why we've had a lot of progress in computers and finance. Those were the two areas where there was enormous innovation in the last 40 years. It looks like finance is in the process of getting outlawed. So, the only thing left at this point will be computers and if you're a computer that's good."
http://tech.fortune.cnn.com/2012/07/17/t…
I wasn't aware that new drugs are no longer being developed nor that those new financial packages were "innovations" and not the industry getting previously illegal behavior deregulated so they could scam hardworking people out of their life savings.
Peter Thiel is an assclown.
@cow, Microryza engages backers in the research process by capturing he magic of the research process in updates from the researcher and by giving backers acknowledgment. There are many other competitors out there many that may have a "head start", but all of our competitors require scientists to provide a tangible return which is not sustainable.
We know that research is not a linear process. And as scientists, the founding team at Microryza is committed to doing this right for the science community and for the people in our world that want to support researchers directly. We're committed to moving science forward faster--Keep watching the space, we'll come out ahead.
+1 on this article, btw. I pitched Microryza, and this is an pretty accurate painting of StartupRiot Seattle (including the comment on our name). I do really like Kouply and Personify.It!
I was expecting many more change the world start-ups! And... where were the other female founders? I think I was the only female presenter....
Next, the names, have you even tried to get a domain name in this day and age? I bet not. The squatters have taken anything that resembles the English language. You what is an unfunded company to do when they can't afford to pay these pirates a few grand for a meaningful name? You get creative and make something up.
I'd love to see you pitch a complicated idea or concept in a few dozen words, considering you seem to work in a business where more is more. Pay by the word, I’m guessing, is your lifestyle.
Finally, not everyone has the next billion-dollar idea. I've been to a couple Riots and some of the pitches and ideas are horrible. But what these people all have in common is a dream of their own business and passion. They enjoy being around people like themselves and gain strength from the community.
I'm guessing you would have much more enjoyed a cynical, pseudo-intellectual, half-in-the-bag, group of underpaid English majors with self-esteem issues. Stick to what you know.
Is anyone going to jump in here and mention that the real reason everyone's hacking apart words to create new business names is because pretty much every word or combination of words in the English language has already been registered as a domain name?
So, Twifyliojimbo it is!
Not that I'm jumping to everyone's defense. These conferences are filled with buzzword-laden douchebaggery, but it's about a 50/50 mix between hack ideas and empty souls and people that are really trying to do something impactful.
IMPACTFUL. That's right.
@cindywu123: I also agree, at least in that there was an obviously odd fashion mix going on, the wording people chose to use was jargon-filled ("DISRUPT!"), and many ideas seemed meaningless, at least at first. I think even your pitch was a bit over-the-top, no? Curing cancer? I understand why you said it, but really? We're all speaking to our perceived audience, so maybe that should be the discussion instead. Regarding female presenters, I agree that there's an alarming disparity. Much has been written about the lack of women in tech and engineering fields. I'm not bitter that you may think my company solves a non-world-changing problem. I know I have plans that are pretty grandiose, but there's a lot of steps between where we are today and where I see us going. I'm not going to pitch a grand vision in three minutes.
This article is definitely entertaining. It's vapid and catty and well written, and accurately portrays an event from an outsider's perspective. Of course there are lots of things that look like "bad ideas" on their face. On the other hand, there are lots of ideas that seem dumb at first that grow into interesting companies that end up solving legitimate problems.
Overall I think the event was very well run and I met a lot of great people. I was there with the goal of getting something out of it, though, and that something was connections, potential partners/customers, and some more pitch experience. Obviously the author got what he was looking for as well.
I think it's important that the "startup community" (I hate that that's a thing people say) gets kicked in the balls every now and then. For example, this look at TechCrunch Disrupt: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jackstuef/scenes…
39
Thank you Paul.
Language changes, and the youth are at the forefront of that change. Complaining about it reveals you as old and novelty-resistant -- if not physically, then mentally.
I'm not saying I wouldn't have been cringing at that event, though.
Language changes, and the youth are at the forefront of that change. Complaining about it reveals you as old and novelty-resistant -- if not physically, then mentally.
I'm not saying I wouldn't have been cringing at that event, though.
You have a way of expressing this worry/frustration/fear/panic/disgust that I think a whole lotta folks will identify with.
"Input" is a verb, a noun and even an adjective. That's a perfectly valid and ordinary sentence.
46
Yes - just this - on this reheated yawn of an outrage article - "And when all your ideas are small and boring...". Nothing new here. Bullshit bingo 2012.
You put yourself through an arduous day so you could judge.
You can learn nothing while judging.
What did you produce?
Oh. Right.
"Content".
There are some real brave people trying to create something. Actually stand out and be unique. To do the difficult thing. Unfortunately, they are in a river of douche and blowhard men trying to fit in with the kewl crowd.
Any startup that has at least one user IS changing the world, but what many of the presenters failed to do is pitch a compelling story which is reflected in this article. What I am NOT okay with is what this author called "charisma-free pitches". The vision doesn't have to be grand, but I expect founders to pitch the startup showing how you're solving a huge pain point for your users while also convincing the audience that you're the perfect person to lead the company.
My apology to presenters and two cents on the event: http://goo.gl/h1ZBf
Not that I dispute some of the points you are making, but why don't you apply that same line of logic to your own work? This is small-minded journalism.
@cindywu123: Thanks! I agree there are many ways to make the event better and your blog post does a much better job of describing them.
Paul loses all credibility when he begins his rant with a critique of the attendees' dress as if it's a god damn fashion show. What a douche.
Weird names: All the good domains are taken. If you have zero money, you can't afford to buy a good domain name. All boot strapping startups go through name searches for domains that have not been taken. It sucks. Once a startup has some amount of money, they buy a better name from a domain horder.
Tiny apps: If you have no money, your window of opportunity to develop a new app is very small. The trick is to develop something interesting enough to elicit sales or additional investment in the short amount of time you have. Investors don't fund big ideas that take years to develop.
The short pitch: Most startup founders are selling their company for the first time. They need to get real world practice. Think of it as a beauty contest where no matter how cute the baby is, you still need to learn how to present it. Making fun of entrepreneurs at a pitch event is like making fund of children learning to ride a bike. It's pretty cruel.
Weird names: All the good domains are taken. If you have zero money, you can't afford to buy a good domain name. All boot strapping startups go through name searches for domains that have not been taken. It sucks. Once a startup has some amount of money, they buy a better name from a domain horder.
Tiny apps: If you have no money, your window of opportunity to develop a new app is very small. The trick is to develop something interesting enough to elicit sales or additional investment in the short amount of time you have. Investors don't fund big ideas that take years to develop.
The short pitch: Most startup founders are selling their company for the first time. They need to get real world practice. Think of it as a beauty contest where no matter how cute the baby is, you still need to learn how to present it. Making fun of entrepreneurs at a pitch event is like making fund of children learning to ride a bike. It's pretty cruel.
66
Also, exactly what shade of purple is Constant's prose?
These women and men have come together to do brutal violence to the English language, to leave the spoken and written word bloodied and victimized on a cold cement floor, wishing for the sweet relief of death.
...while Constant merely date rapes the English language. He's much better.
Another thing that people seem to abuse is their ability to exaggerate.
But, Christ Almighty, you decide to make your incredibly principled stand against all cant by bravely pissing all over some young people getting together and trying to build something for themselves?!? Fuck, really, this is your subject for your big, hard-ass Mencken moment?!? Did we run out of really bad things to complain about or something?
There one's particularly smug section that really struck me as third-rate English major wisdom: "When the language you employ to communicate your ideas is small and boring, your ideas are going to be small and boring." To test this hypothesis, I think you should go read some IETF documents. My God, they're boring. Eyeball-flattening boring. Boring beyond my ability to convey boring. But you know, some of the coolest shit in the world comes out of those things. Like TCP, which powers the Intertubes with which we are now speaking.
Yes, it's true: people who you don't approve of and dress unappealingly and who aren't the ghost of Dorothy Parker can get together and try to build something. Mo' power to them.
a) I was there, didn't see Hoodies, just t-shirts.
b) Jessie Eisenberg never met Zuckerberg, was instructed by Fincher not to.
c) Zuckerberg doesn't slouch, Eisenberg slouches, watch his other movies.
d) Stop making up stuff just so you can try and sound like Hunter S. Thompson.
There were significant of errors made in the planning this event, and I was not the biggest fan. It would be great to read a valid rant, but unfortunately you've failed here. Learn how to do your job, get your own voice.
By the way, I presented, my Startup is DecideOnline and we've built an embeddable arguing app. Go to DecideOnline and sign up for the beta ;-)
If you want to die, go commit suicide. Idiot.
And please, next time before you vomit ignorance all over a reputable paper like The Stranger, do a little more REAL research so you know even at least 1% about what you're talking about. I mean, really, you said NOTHING substantial about the event. You're a journalist, and you couldn't be bothered to even talk to the people that attended the event ... wow. You're awesome. What a great, insightful article about Start-up Riot and the Seattle Start-up community. I feel so much more informed.
Your article is garbage. If you want to die, go commit suicide. You are a pretentious, conceited idiot. You only write to try to show off how good you think you are at word-play. I hated self-important people like you in highschool and college. You could have made this article so much better if you really tried, and dealt with real issues instead of your need to say how cool you think you are. Grow up.
You forgot to mention that it's going to be "agile!" and they're going to expect a laundry list of skills when they hire, despite the fact that they have absolutely no idea what the job actually entails. Great post - I needed that.
You forgot to mention that it's going to be "agile!" and they're going to expect a laundry list of skills when they hire, despite the fact that they have absolutely no idea what the job actually entails. Great post - I needed that.
I just couldn't leave your website before telling you that I truly enjoyed the top quality info you present to your visitors? Will be back again frequently to check up on new posts.
Preschool in Agoura Hills
Superbly written article, if only all bloggers offered the same content as you, the internet would be a far better place..
where to buy garcinia cambogia
Fundorado Test
Thanks you very much for sharing these links. Will definitely check this out..
Get more info about Big Danee
electronic cigarette review
This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing blog that understand the value. Im glad to have found this post as its such an interesting one! I am always on the lookout for quality posts and articles so i suppose im lucky to have found this! I hope you will be adding more in the future...
buy mobile ads
lily wedding stamps
Advertisement
Most Commented on Slog
-
It's Spring! Who's Ready for Street Harassment? by Cienna Madrid
-
New Gun Enthusiast... by Dan Savage
-
SL Letter of the Day: Gonna Boil My Laptop After Answering This One by Dan Savage
-
America Doesn't Care About Black People by Charles Mudede
-
Bigot Florist Files Countersuit by Dominic Holden
-
US Military Grants Itself the Power to Police American Streets and "Quell" "Civil Disturbances" by Brendan Kiley
-
SL Letter of the Day: Living Discomfortably by Dan Savage
-
Slog Super Poll: Who Should Be Mayor? by Dominic Holden
-
Black Market Elimination Fail: Draft Pot Rules Call for Ban on Hash and Hash Oil by Ben Livingston
-
Tim Burgess Quits the Mayor's Race by Dominic Holden
Stranger Personals
The Stranger
RSSSeattle Art & Performance Quarterly
A complete guide to Seattle's current art, film, dance, and theater season.
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (95) RSS