...AKA the greatest talent show in the world. But I also love the hilarity of Wm. Steve Humphrey, and since my love of the Olympics is strong enough to withstand all negative babbling by naysayers, I can happily share the opening of his latest I Love TV column.
UGGGHHNNNHH!!! It's time for the Olympics again?? IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR YEARS!! Groooooan, the Olympics are, like, the worst... thing... ever! And, yes, I'm including (1) George Zimmerman, (2) rancid cotton candy, (3) mysterious anal pains, (4) nose pimples, (5) visiting relatives, (6) empty pens that are returned to the pen cup, even though I've told that person a thousand times not to do so, (7) celery, (8) Holocostco —terrible name for a discount store, (9) weenie dogs, and (10) leukemia. Okay... fine... putting an empty pen back in the pen cup is worse than the Olympics. BUT I'M STANDING BEHIND THE REST!
Now, I understand these Olympic Games are supposed to represent and celebrate Herculean efforts—but why do they choose dumb stuff? I perform Herculean efforts EVERY SINGLE DAY—and does anyone care? Are there 17 days of near-constant TV programming dedicated to my activities? Do underarm deodorants clamor to sponsor me? Are foreign countries shaking their fists and cursing my name? (Yes... because I'm not a very respectful tourist. BUT "NO" TO THOSE OTHER THINGS!)
To prove my point, here are five upcoming televised Olympic events paired with my own corresponding Herculean efforts. YOU decide which is more awesome!
In the meantime, please enjoy this eternally amazing footage of Mary Lou Retton nailing the perfect-ten vault she needed to win the Gold in 1984—then immediately nailing another perfect-ten vault just because she is a badass.