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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Comedy / Sports / TV I Love the Olympics...

Posted by David Schmader on Wed, Jul 25, 2012 at 12:26 PM

...AKA the greatest talent show in the world. But I also love the hilarity of Wm. Steve Humphrey, and since my love of the Olympics is strong enough to withstand all negative babbling by naysayers, I can happily share the opening of his latest I Love TV column.

UGGGHHNNNHH!!! It's time for the Olympics again?? IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR YEARS!! Groooooan, the Olympics are, like, the worst... thing... ever! And, yes, I'm including (1) George Zimmerman, (2) rancid cotton candy, (3) mysterious anal pains, (4) nose pimples, (5) visiting relatives, (6) empty pens that are returned to the pen cup, even though I've told that person a thousand times not to do so, (7) celery, (8) Holocostco —terrible name for a discount store, (9) weenie dogs, and (10) leukemia. Okay... fine... putting an empty pen back in the pen cup is worse than the Olympics. BUT I'M STANDING BEHIND THE REST!

Now, I understand these Olympic Games are supposed to represent and celebrate Herculean efforts—but why do they choose dumb stuff? I perform Herculean efforts EVERY SINGLE DAY—and does anyone care? Are there 17 days of near-constant TV programming dedicated to my activities? Do underarm deodorants clamor to sponsor me? Are foreign countries shaking their fists and cursing my name? (Yes... because I'm not a very respectful tourist. BUT "NO" TO THOSE OTHER THINGS!)

To prove my point, here are five upcoming televised Olympic events paired with my own corresponding Herculean efforts. YOU decide which is more awesome!

Read the full thing here.

In the meantime, please enjoy this eternally amazing footage of Mary Lou Retton nailing the perfect-ten vault she needed to win the Gold in 1984—then immediately nailing another perfect-ten vault just because she is a badass.

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Comments (22) RSS

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I can't begrudge Retton's execution, but Nadia Comaneci still did it with an artistry I've never seen anyone come close to matching.

Posted by Matt from Denver on July 25, 2012 at 12:30 PM

Actually, it's only been two years since the last Olympics, unless he has a special dark spot in his heart for just the Summer games.

Posted by Banna

on July 25, 2012 at 12:33 PM

He's totally right about the pen thing.

Posted by Fnarf

on July 25, 2012 at 12:41 PM

If the Olympics were really the greatest talent show in the world, there would be a singing competition. Is there a singing competition? No? Well, then, I guess it's not the greatest talent show in the world, is it?

Posted by Paul Constant

on July 25, 2012 at 12:51 PM

P.S. I fucking hate the Olympics.

Posted by Paul Constant

on July 25, 2012 at 12:52 PM

@2 - Nobody gives a fuck about the winter games.

Posted by MacCrocodile

on July 25, 2012 at 12:55 PM

Who keeps a pen long enough for it to run out? They usually walk away long before that.

Posted by MR M on July 25, 2012 at 1:06 PM

@4 - By that standard, the Miss America Pagent is a better talent show than the Olympics. Do you really want to be the guy siding with Miss America? The only thing actually worse than Miss America are those child porn pagents leading up to it.

@6 - I love the winter games. Go suck a bag of dicks.

Posted by evilvolus on July 25, 2012 at 1:08 PM

@8 - If cities like Turin and Calgary can host an event, it isn't worth a damn.

Posted by MacCrocodile

on July 25, 2012 at 1:19 PM

@4 - There's that thing with the ribbons, and trampolining, and race-walking, and synchronized swimming. Wait, I think I'm describing the worst competition in the world.

Posted by Dougsf on July 25, 2012 at 1:32 PM

@9, I would happily join a stampede to help shroud the Olympics in obscurity. Until such time, I will be in "Slo-Mo Corner" watching closeups of the gentlemen sprinters as they circle the track.

Posted by gloomy gus on July 25, 2012 at 1:33 PM

@6: i do. my family does. we like winter sports. i went to them, too, like 1000s of other PNWers.

the summer games are ho-hum for me. preteens jumping about? swimming, dressage, bmx? and the brazilian beach volleyball players will probably be in jumpsuits, not bikinis.

Posted by Max Solomon on July 25, 2012 at 2:16 PM

No, the winter games are boring. Curling? Who cares. Besides figure skating is there a sport that's as big as gymnastics, swimming, or track and field are? Plus half of the world doesn't have the climate to encourage winter sports. Anybody anywhere can run or swim.

Posted by care bear on July 25, 2012 at 2:26 PM

@13 You take that curling comment back. Curling rocks. (pun intended).

Posted by heywhatsit!? on July 25, 2012 at 2:42 PM

@2, there are not enough speedos and skimpy tight outfits in the winter Olympics to matter.

Posted by Reverse Polarity on July 25, 2012 at 2:46 PM

@ 13, I'm pretty sure downhill skiing is "as big" as gymnastics.

Posted by Matt from Denver on July 25, 2012 at 3:01 PM

@ 15, I can't remember if you're gay or not, but as a straight guy, I see very few sexy women to ogle at the Olympics. It could be that I prefer curvy girls, who possess a body type that obviously doesn't lend itself to success in sports, but the beach volleyball girls don't do a darn thing for me. (Good thing I'm really watching to see the games.)

Posted by Matt from Denver on July 25, 2012 at 3:05 PM

I'm waiting for Rio.

My high school reunion next year is in Mexico, and a bunch of us are going to Rio when they host the Olympics.

London? Most of us went there when we were 16.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on July 25, 2012 at 3:10 PM

@15 watch French TV coverage of the Olympics - from their viewpoint the only things are Fencing and Swimming. Both of which are eminently watchable.

Oh, and soccer.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on July 25, 2012 at 3:11 PM

Wm. Steve Humphrey remains singularly unfunny. But it's obvious HE thinks he's hilarious.

Posted by bigyaz on July 25, 2012 at 3:22 PM

I thought he was dead???????

Posted by Womyn2me $http://http:\\www.shelleyandlaura.com$ on July 25, 2012 at 3:48 PM

I love the Olympics, summer and winter, but I hate the sports whose winners are decided subjectively by a panel of judges (e.g., gymnastics, figure skating).

If you can't pick the winner using a stop watch or a tape measure, I'm not interested.

Posted by Free Lunch on July 25, 2012 at 7:47 PM