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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Gay Marriage Anti-Gay Bigots Already Swore Off Oreos and Starbucks...

Posted by Dominic Holden on Tue, Jul 24, 2012 at 7:03 AM

...now the National Organization for Marriage is calling on them to boycott General Mills. The cereal and grain behemoth, one of the largest corporations in Minnesota, recently took a stand against a constitutional amendment in that state that would restrict marriage to a man and woman.

Protests outside the General Mills offices were evidently not enough, so anti-gay breakfast eaters are now taking a vow of epic personal sacrifice. The DumpGeneralMills supporters pledge that "my conscience is going to win out over the desire for another bowl of Lucky Charms."

But not just Lucky Charms.

They are vowing not to eat any of the following brands, which, by my rough guess, accounts for ABOUT 90 PERCENT OF WHAT'S IN THE GROCERY STORE: Betty Crocker, Good Earth, Muir Glen, Big G Cereals, Green Giant, Nature Valley, Bisquick, Haagen-Dazs, Old El Paso, Bugles, Hamburger Helper, Pillsbury, Cascadian Farm, Jus-Rol, Pillsbury Atta, Cheerios, Kix, Progresso, Chex, Knack & Back, Total, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, La Saltena, Totino's/Jeno's, Diablitos Underwood, Larabar, Trix, Fiber One, Latina, V. Pearl, Food Should Taste Good. Liberte, Wanchai Ferry, Frescarini, Lucky Charms, Wheaties, Fruit Snacks, Macaroni Grill, Yoplait, Gardetto's, Monsters, Yoplait France, Gold Medal, and Mountain High.

But what a relief, right?

Gay marriage opponents won't need to be defeated at the Minnesota polls. They don't need to be outspent in Washington. Hell, they soon won't need any strategic opposition. Give 'em a couple months and they're going to starve themselves to death.

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And let's not forget about the bigots who are trying to boycott Google products -- without using Bing or anything from Microsoft (Microsoft supports gay rights). And the problems they'll have in avoiding Apple.

Posted by Nandor on July 24, 2012 at 7:14 AM

But, of course, our side are a bunch of insane, politicizing bullies for giving up soggy fried-chicken sandwiches.

Posted by Yoder

on July 24, 2012 at 7:16 AM

Stepping back and letting go of the argument for just a second, I have trouble understanding why straight people care so much about gay marriage. What's it to them? How does it affect them? Yeah, their scriptures condemn gay sex, but it also condemns all sex outside of marriage, and divorce, and a bunch of other stuff. Why get worked up about this? Why not get all bothered about something that affects them, like interest rates and healthcare?

Posted by floater on July 24, 2012 at 7:28 AM

Is this how the Quakers got started?

Posted by Matt the Engineer on July 24, 2012 at 7:28 AM

How long till bigots are anti-Internet, anti-capitalism, and anti-everything? Are they going to live in a remote Amish type community in the mountains with a communal Chik Fil A as their only sustenance? Oops, wait... That would be socialist.

Posted by Joe Szilagyi

on July 24, 2012 at 7:41 AM

The funny thing is, if the bigots *do* stop eating this processed food they may finally be able to take the huge shit they need to take.

Posted by mubhappy on July 24, 2012 at 7:56 AM

Lose Weight with Hate

Posted by Original Andrew on July 24, 2012 at 8:04 AM

@7 - Someone please make this ad.

Before: "I used to be ashamed of my body..."
After: "...but since those dirty homos got their claws into General Mills, I'm ready for bikini season!"

Posted by MacCrocodile

on July 24, 2012 at 8:08 AM

I predict an upswing in the incidence of home vegetable gardens and backyard chicken coops about equal to the number of homeschooling families.

Posted by Lurleen on July 24, 2012 at 8:09 AM

@3: Interest rates and healthcare are fairly complex issues that require a certain amount of reading and understanding.

"Teh gayz are taking over!" is much easier to understand, so it is the political carrot used to get people to act accordingly.

Posted by Theodore Gorath on July 24, 2012 at 8:13 AM

@3: It isn't just the straights. Gays who don't want to get married also support it. The reason is simple: it is a civil right. There are parallels here with how MLK motivated whites to support civil rights and voting rights. People generally understand that you have to protect everyone's civil rights if you want to protect your own.

Posted by delirian on July 24, 2012 at 8:23 AM

@3, I care because there are people I love deeply who feel that they don't have equal rights in our country, and rightfully so. I care because no minority should be told how to live their lives by a majority. I care because I am a human who takes interest in the well being of those around me.

That is why I care, fight, and stand with all my brothers and sisters for equality.

Posted by GlamB0t on July 24, 2012 at 8:25 AM

I used to think that demographics made acceptance of gay rights inevitable. Now that I see all the unhealthy crap that the NOMers are giving up, I worry that they'll be living longer and out-procreating the heathens.

Posted by MR M on July 24, 2012 at 8:40 AM

I think @3 was only referring to the bigots there. Obviously we care about our countrymen getting equal rights, but why are they standing up and making asses of themselves to stop it?

Posted by treefort on July 24, 2012 at 8:45 AM

@12 Should the minority group of cannibals be told how to live their lives by the majority group of non-cannibals?

Posted by raggeddog on July 24, 2012 at 9:28 AM

I think they have reached the threshold where a boycott becomes such a massive pain in the ass that even ardent supporters say "fuck it".

Posted by brandon on July 24, 2012 at 9:38 AM

@15 ..not if they stick to eating each other..

Posted by reverend dr dj riz on July 24, 2012 at 9:38 AM

@15: who's the victim in marriage equality? Who's the victim in your fictional cannibalistic society? That might answer the question for you.

Posted by Looking For a Better Read on July 24, 2012 at 9:40 AM

The Muppets dumped Chic-fil-a over their anti-gay stance, and any money the fast food chain has paid the Jim Henson company is being donated to pro gay causes.

Posted by Rob in Baltimore

on July 24, 2012 at 9:42 AM

15 You can't be a cannibal without physically injuring, and probably killing another person. Like interracial marriage, gay marriage doesn't harm or kill anyone.

Posted by Rob in Baltimore

on July 24, 2012 at 9:55 AM

Well, at least they won't be playing soccer to keep healthy. Though, of course, any self-respecting 'Merkin doesn't play Euro-Ball...

Posted by Cracker Jack on July 24, 2012 at 10:33 AM

Do unto others stupid and worthless attacks on their freedom. And these religious dolts need to boycott M&Ms because they get naked on their commercials. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!

Posted by Pope Peabrain on July 24, 2012 at 12:38 PM

Starve to death, or be forced to start eating unprocessed food. Then they won't be huge fat bags of crap. So I'm pro boycott.

Posted by Westlake, son! on July 24, 2012 at 3:05 PM

@5 & 6 - thank you! thank you! I laughed so hard I almost had this baby I'm about to deliver in less than a week.

@3 - cause it would make sense, that's why. tradition (i.e. what was taught to them from the bible) has become more important to them than common sense.

Posted by happy time on July 25, 2012 at 12:24 AM