Slog
News & ArtsFriday, July 13, 2012
Politics Slog Poll: Guess Which Candidate for the 11th Drives a Red Hummer
Posted by Cienna Madrid on Fri, Jul 13, 2012 at 3:22 PM
Two summers ago, I was walking up Pike Street when I happened to pass a white stretch Hummer filled with hooting jackanapes. The block-long Hummer was stuck in traffic so we kept pace for awhile. Every few minutes, the men would pop up from the rear sunroof to throw pizza crusts at cars and pedestrians and shout "WOOOOOOO!!!!" punctuated by the occasional "FUUUUUUUCK YEAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"
Then, as the Hummer and I approached the Honey Hole, I watched as one of the "Fuck Yeah!" dudes beaned a cyclist in the face with a pizza crust. The cyclist did not flinch. Instead, he slowed down until he reached the front of the Hummer, unclipped his left foot, rose up, and brought his left heel down hard on the hood, leaving a fist-sized dent. The cyclist then clipped back in and swiftly pedaled away as the Hummer driver slammed on the breaks and the horn, and the men screams turned into, "WOOOOOOOFUCKAAAAAARGH!"
That is my favorite story involving a Hummer.
Now then! Guess which candidate vying to represent the 11th District (position 2) drives around in a spank-me-red Hummer that reportedly takes up multiple parking spots, according to one slog tipper?
- The Stranger
- WHOOOOOOO!!!!
1
My favorite Hummer story involves my sister in-law who is a petite, sweet, soft spoken elementary school teacher. She was cut off by a typical macho goon in a Hummer who also decided to honk at her and yell something. She just waved back and said, "Sorry about your Penis."
3
I don't know which is worse, a civilian Humvee, or a Hummer-badged mundane GMC Surburban fitted with a giant Tonka Toy body. I can't even decide if that makes the owner more pathetic or less.
4
Cienna, I fucking love that story. Bummer about the possible degree of separation/responsibility between the renters and the rentee(?) of the stretch Hummer in question, but it still feels like Justice.
7
I hate a fucking jackanapes. Nothing worse, except maybe a tosspot, a strutfurrow, or certain varlets.
10
I KNOW it's not Steve Bergquist. I went through school with him and that is seriously not his style.
11
+1 for "jackanapes", but -1 for misspelling "brakes".
And as Brooklyn Reader pointed out, that red Hummer is just a Chevy Suburban under a tarted-up body. It still means the owner lost at the penis-size lottery.
And as Brooklyn Reader pointed out, that red Hummer is just a Chevy Suburban under a tarted-up body. It still means the owner lost at the penis-size lottery.
12
Whoever it is deserves the 8 mpg that the piece of shit gets. I laugh when I see these things at gas stations.
13
That is a great story. I bet when future civilizations look back on the remnants of our society and try to pinpoint the precise moment that we were deemed to be inexorably doomed, they'll identify the moment that first "stretch" Hummer rolled off the assembly line floor and conclude the search complete.
14
@7 - The toss pot is certainty the most beslubbering of the bunch. Said bicyclist should have bescumbered those jobbernowls.
In other news, I just went down an obscure epithet rabbit hole.
In other news, I just went down an obscure epithet rabbit hole.
15
I know for a fact that it's Stephen Berquist. He's been driving it everywhere on the campaign trail.
16
You need to go back to junior high school and learn what a HOMOphone is. Unless the Hummer actually broke you've made a big-ass misuse of written US English. Break does not equal (≠) brake.
17
More often the people who throw stuff at me when bike riding are well heeled teens driving in late model compact cars. Although lately they mostly shout unintelligible stuff.
My story about Hummers is that once when I was stuck in the Eastside on 520 heading towards Seattle, a Hummer pulled out into the center margin and tore through the grass ahead of all the other cars.
19
Example of a classic logical fallacy:
While all Hummer drivers are assholes, it is not true that all assholes are Hummer drivers.
While all Hummer drivers are assholes, it is not true that all assholes are Hummer drivers.
21
I want to believe this story, but there's no fucking way you could kick the hood of a Hummer while clipped in with one foot. You could hit the side of the douche-mobile, but to get the hood you'd need to be seven feet tall and gymnast flexible to do that trick and you'd probably crash trying it.
23
Oh that has got to be Bergquist... nothing says "attempting to over compensate" like a bright red hummer that has the plates "Aces 1".... While his tennis shop is called Aces... What a jackass.
25
I agree with Patton Oswalt: If someone wants to drive one of these gas-guzzling tonka trucks for adults, then they should be hit over the head with a sock full of quarters till unconscious. Then they wake up in Iraq with a gun and be told: "Oh, you can drive a hummer! You just have to get the oil yourself. So... have fun."
26
My favourite Hummer story is from a big snow storm we had here in Toronto 2 years ago. Snow was almost two feet in 12 hours, so people were digging out there cars. On my friend's street, most people were able to get out there cars and head to work, albeit driving slowly. The owner of the Hummer dug out his car, started driving, and got caught in a snowdrift in the middle of the road. Only car on the street that had to call a tow truck.
28
Hmmm... While I think Hummers (of the vehicular variety) are absurdly excessive and grotesque, I hope you guys are also condemning every single person you see driving Suburbans, Tahoes, Expeditions, Escalades, and Navigators. They all basically get the same abysmal fuel economy, yet the Hummer always has the pseudo-environmentalist's crosshairs pointed at it. At some point you need to look beyond what things merely represent on a topical level and also focus your shitstorm on everyone else who is equally culpable. I'd also love to hear what the scooter and/or motorcycle riders here know about tailpipe emissions... (hint: a small motorcycle produces MORE tailpipe emissions than a mid-size sedan from the '90s, despite getting better MPG, due to the absence of a catalytic converter. So yes, your little scooter is actually worse for the environment than a Ford Taurus, and by a big margin.) Also, vehicles have brakes, not breaks, and heels leave heel-size dents, not fist-size dents. Furthermore, the cyclist loses points in this story for taking out his [understandable] frustration on the limo company's property, rather than the actual toolsheds who threw the pizza crust at him. I commute to work by bike 5 days a week, 12 months a year, and despite the fact that I happen to identify myself as a cyclist, I think the cyclist's actions in this story are entirely unacceptable. If you're going to pretend to sweat the details, you gotta sweat the details...
But yes, 100% of Hummer drivers are jackanapes. No arguing with that.
But yes, 100% of Hummer drivers are jackanapes. No arguing with that.
29
Easily +1000 for use of "jackanapes," but that was only part of the achievement. It's the entire phrase, "filled with hooting jackanapes" that puts this post into the permanent hall of fame, a thing of concise yet elegant beauty.
30
Stupid fucking frat rat men probably would throw shit at people no matter what they drove, and also be enraged at the loss of any sense of privilege to be king of the road no matter what. Frat boys suck and they will always suck. They grow up from college suckwads to adult assholes. Who the fuck thinks it is their right to throw shit at people anyway? Spoiled idiot frat boys, that's who.
31
So maybe we should look at what some of the other candidate’s drive that are currently running for the 11th district. Maybe the one that lives in a 7000SF home!!! Do you know what a carbon footprint looks like for that size of a home? Probably 50 Hummers worth. That candidate known as Virk drives a $120,000 BMW 750. How many residents of the 11th can afford that car? Steve's Hummer is worth something closer to 25K. To your surprise that car barely gets better mileage than the Hummer. I'm no fan of the Hummer but I'm even less of a fan of people who don't do their homework before sharing their opinions.
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