Goldy's always jawing on about how organically lush and slug-free his garden is, and how tastebud-popping tasty his raspberries are, so this morning I awoke at the buttcrack of dawn, drove to his house, stole an apronful of raspberries while he slept, and baked some goddamn great raspberry muffins for the office.

I sent Goldy's mom a picture of my raspberry muffins and she agreed that they looked far tastier than anything he's ever baked, which is just one of the many ways he's disappointed her in his life.

But I now understand why he goes on and on and on and on about his garden all the goddamn time.