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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

News Independence Day Morning News

Posted by Unpaid Intern on Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 8:32 AM

Posted by news intern Mike Gore

Happy freedom day, sloggers! Let's get your day started right.

We all scream: Woman flees scene of crash because her ice cream was going to melt.

Keep screaming: Maybe it's because my last name is Gore, but 15,055 record highs this year to date, and the hottest spring on record sound like some kind of climate change.

Next OPEC nation?: Kenya being eyed as oil producer after substantial reserves found.

Like alcohol without the drunk: Some jackasses make medical marijuana that doesn't even get you high! Getting high is apparently considered a "negative side effect."

Only one in four? A quarter of teens "sext," which is the nastiest word in the world. Have fun with this sex-negative article!

Oatmeal is free!Charges in silly cartoon internet turf war dropped. Oatmeal creator Inman, however, raises over $200,000 for charity.

Occupy assholes at it again: The group is planning "guerilla operations" at Gasworks tonight. SPD says they're ready for anything.

Summer really does start on July 5th in Seattle: My parents have said this since I was a kid, but the forecast seems to be right on — nothing but sun in sight!

Test for HIV in a jiffy! FDA approves new test to see if you're positive. CDC says it's important for people to know if they're positive. Don't want to have to rush out and buy one? Use condoms!

(Quick PSA)
It's the fourth, so go watch things blow up in the name of America. Don't, however, be one of the people who drinks and drives. The 4th of July is the deadliest day on American roads, so have a plan, have some fun, and get home safe.

If you fancy sticking fireworks in your asscrack, however, see below for what not to do:

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Comments (26) RSS

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happy 4th everyone!

Posted by in-frequent on July 4, 2012 at 8:41 AM

Though obviously not as newsworthy as a woman's ice cream melting, physicists at CERN announced that they observed a Higgs boson. No big deal.

Posted by California on July 4, 2012 at 9:00 AM

Cops say "occupy" groups plan guerrilla actions at Gasworks, so it must be so. Or maybe it's just an excuse for SPD to treat 50,000 people as suspects.

Posted by DOUG.

on July 4, 2012 at 9:10 AM

Occupy and Mike Check Wall Street are two different groups, idiot intern.

Posted by suddenlyorcas on July 4, 2012 at 9:17 AM

Stranger, please hire this guy. Pitch perfect.

Posted by Michael of the Green on July 4, 2012 at 9:18 AM

In reference to the medical marijuana; This is excellent, and just desserts for the COMPLETE BULLSHIT that is the "compassion" community in the US. They can have this crappy weed if they vote no on legalization this November (WA state).

Posted by Eastpike on July 4, 2012 at 9:23 AM

Third degree burns are hilarious. Happy Fourth! Can we have summer now?

Posted by Pope Peabrain on July 4, 2012 at 9:23 AM

Getting high is a negative side effect if you want to drive. If the antiemetic properties are retained, then medical marijuana without the high is a good thing. It may also allow it to be introduced in places where it is currently banned (where getting high is evil or something), which could ease the suffering of a lot of people.

Posted by delirian on July 4, 2012 at 9:51 AM

As far as the video: I'm a little disturbed by how many people stick fireworks up their ass cracks. I'm at a loss for words.

Posted by delirian on July 4, 2012 at 9:56 AM

@9..ummmm..ummmmm. me too... wow

Posted by reverend dr dj riz on July 4, 2012 at 9:59 AM

You use an alarmist, fact-free KING5 article to slander the Occupy movement... I think you're unclear on who the asshole is in this scenario.

Posted by Geocrackr on July 4, 2012 at 10:09 AM

With all those record highs you would think there would be a record hurricane season as predicted by IPCCC IV.

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on July 4, 2012 at 10:12 AM

Oh and a another thing.

When people say "sexting" which is a portmanteau of sex and text, they mostly mean sending a photo. So it is actually sexography...or pornophoning...or something else other than sexting!!

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on July 4, 2012 at 10:15 AM

I'm with California. No Higgs boson news here? Disappointed.

Posted by stating the obvious on July 4, 2012 at 10:30 AM

That video is a whole lot of stupidity crammed into 2.5 minutes. Even at the height of my immature stupidity—say age 15—I would never have stuck a fireworks anywhere near my asshole.

Posted by Reverse Polarity on July 4, 2012 at 10:35 AM

"If you fancy sticking fireworks in your asscrack, however, see below for what not to do" There's a safe way to do it?

@12 Last weeks Derecho (land hurricane), didn't count towards the total as far as I can tell.

Posted by Large Hardon Colluder on July 4, 2012 at 10:52 AM

Nice video. I don't understand why people do the things they do sometimes.

Posted by floater on July 4, 2012 at 10:52 AM

Kenya has oil?!?!?? Time to INVADE!!!!!! And the Teabaggers should be happy we have a Kenyan in the White House NOW!!! Huh?

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on July 4, 2012 at 11:03 AM

19 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy

19

damn. you're good.....

Posted by damn. you're good..... on July 4, 2012 at 11:28 AM

what was 'sex negative' about the sexting article?

Posted by explain yourself, unpaid on July 4, 2012 at 11:29 AM

Just because OccupySeattle's tweeted to join everyone at Occupy Independence Day at Gasworks, with a link to the event's Facebook page advising there will be two guerrilla actions before and after the fireworks THAT IS NO REASON TO ASSUME it's anything to do with Occupy Seattle. https://twitter.com/OccupySeattle/status…

And you call yourself an intern. And you call yourself a Gore.

Posted by gloomy gus on July 4, 2012 at 12:00 PM

This compilation is missing the Russian blowing his hand off with a firecracker. Thank goodness.

Posted by STJA on July 4, 2012 at 12:14 PM

Plus how could you have missed, dearest intern, that Odd Future's Frank Ocean came out last night! On Tumblr no less! And it's kind of beautiful! http://frankocean.tumblr.com/post/264737…

And you call yourself unpaid. And you call yourself a Mike.

Posted by gloomy gus on July 4, 2012 at 12:23 PM