I can hear you say, âWell, so what? Arenât most comedies, hopefully, a huge fucking pile of jokes?â And the answer to your question is, âno.â A good comedy is a series of jokes, and the jokes work together in service to a story. They advance the story, they fill out the storyâthink of a good musical, replace the songs with jokes, and you have an idea of what I mean. Bridesmaids was a great comedy because it was a series of well-crafted jokes about characters and their interactions. Hell, even a good stand-up set from, say, Louis C.K. is a series of jokes that construct a story about a fictionalized Louis C.K. They may feel randomly placed, but every joke has a reason to be there.
Instead, Ted is a crappy framework of a movieâabout a grown man (Mark Wahlberg) whose childhood teddy bear came to lifeâwith a bunch of jokes stuck to it. Youâve got pop culture jokes, self-aware jokes about what a flimsy premise the movie has, and gay panic jokes. Some of the jokes are funny. But many of them arenât. And none of them are essential to the story, because the story is incredibly inessential.
According to modern popular cinema, the single greatest problem that the United States faces in the 21st century is youngish white men who just canât manage to grow up and accept adult responsibilities.
Almost every comedy in the last ten years is about a man-child who has to learn to grow up and find responsible adult love while still retaining his essential man-childness. The American moviegoing public supposedly canât get enough of that fucking story; weâll go see it again and again and again.
John, Mark Wahlbergâs character in Ted, is the man-child of the week. His childhood is manifested in Ted, a teddy bear that came to life because of a wish John made when he was a boy and then just stuck around. But! John needs to grow up because heâs in love with a great woman (Mila Kunis) who wants him to grow up. But! Ted wants John to keep doing childish thingsâsnort coke, fuck hookers, and make fun of bad moviesâwith him. And! A creepy man (Giovanni Ribisi) wants to kidnap Ted and keep him for himself.
If you are at or above a fifth-grade reading level, you can probably put these three sentences together into a screenplay pretty easily. The characters in Ted make fun of movies like thisâcrappy, cliched by-the-numbers tripeâand theyâre starring in a movie just like the movies they make fun of. Somehow, the smirk Ted puts on is supposed to make that all right. It doesnât.
At least the acting is pretty good. Wahlberg, for some unknown reason, is convincing as an idiot with a Boston accent. Kunis dives gamely into the sausagefest and rolls around in it with great enthusiasm. And Ribisiâs stalker is an excellent remount of a very well-worked-over stereotype. The castâs devotion to the weak materialâand the excellent CGI powering the Ted effects, with his threadbare patches from years of cuddlingâare enough to momentarily make you forget how bad it all is. But then one of those lame, defensive self-aware jokes pop upâsomeone mentions that Ted sounds just like Peter Griffin from MacFarlaneâs Family Guy, someone refers to Tedâs resemblance to ALFâand you remember that youâre watching a bad movie. No matter how good a couple of the jokes are, you canât shake the feeling that thereâs an unforgivable laziness behind Ted.