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News & ArtsWednesday, June 13, 2012
2012 / Sex / Religion Mormon Undergarments as Fetish Wear
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 12:06 PM
The president of the United States is the most powerful person on earth, certain kinds of clothing communicate status and power, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, yadda yadda yadda—so this was inevitable once Romney got the nom:
The ancestors of Team Mahonri Moriancumer designed and fabricated the very first Mormon temple garments in 1842.... we know a thing or two about these special undies. From the hand stitched masonic symbols, to the careful inspection of each garment, we care about the craftsmanship of this magical product. As a bonus, we're including special ceremonial instructions on wearing them "correctly," to ensure the most magical experience possible.
They have a men's line and a women's line at Mormon's Secret.
3
I'm sorry: nothing associated with Romney is ever going to be sexy for me...not even when you slap some detached drool worthy man abs on it. Just the words "aphrodisiac" and "Romney" in the same sentence makes me want to HULK SMASH.
4
I would easily pay double the normal price to get my hands on a pair of the gent's version. Here me out there you not-quite-completely-lapsed Mormon's who still have your ID card and want to help a brother out? I'm size medium to small shirt, 31in waist. Post here if you're willing to buy these for me and we'll figure out how to get in touch.
5
I think it's funny that even in Mormon ritual undergarment ads, men get the "stand around looking ripped" poses and women get the "contorted into a painful pretzel" poses.
8
"Tear resistant?"
"This sucker will stop a knife."
"Bulletproof?"
"Anything but a straight shot."
"Why didn't they put it into production?"
"Bean counters didn't think a soldier of God's life was worth [$52 plus tax + shipping]. So what's your interest in it, Mr. Romney?"
"I wanna borrow it. For, uh, spelunking."
"Spelunking?"
"Yeah, you know, cave diving."
"You expecting to run into much gunfire in these caves?"
"Look, I'd rather Mrs. Romney didn't know about me borrowing it..."
"Mr. Romney, the way I see it, all this stuff is yours anyway."
"This sucker will stop a knife."
"Bulletproof?"
"Anything but a straight shot."
"Why didn't they put it into production?"
"Bean counters didn't think a soldier of God's life was worth [$52 plus tax + shipping]. So what's your interest in it, Mr. Romney?"
"I wanna borrow it. For, uh, spelunking."
"Spelunking?"
"Yeah, you know, cave diving."
"You expecting to run into much gunfire in these caves?"
"Look, I'd rather Mrs. Romney didn't know about me borrowing it..."
"Mr. Romney, the way I see it, all this stuff is yours anyway."
10
You can joke all you want, but should Romney win the election guess what you'll ONLY be able to buy in the stores if you need under-panties? Laugh now, but look closely at those pictures, hehe, and see if they will fit.
11
Remember, if it's not from a church-affiliated clothing mill (Beehive Clothing Mills ™), it's just long underwear. Only authentic temple garments keep out the sin (and bullets.)
The LDS Church is never one to miss out on a revenue opportunity, and millions of Mormons worldwide all buying their underwear from the same store is definitely one of those.
The LDS Church is never one to miss out on a revenue opportunity, and millions of Mormons worldwide all buying their underwear from the same store is definitely one of those.
12
$52? My members-only price is a tenth that. Apparently being a Mormon is worth it for the discounts alone.
16
Proteus, the stitched masonic symbols are the thing that make these things authentic/magical. Well, that and the ridiculously hot models. And the fact that this is going to royally piss off Mormons. Mormons don't have the equivalent of "kosher," so nothing requires a blessing from a Mormon priesthood leader to be authentic. In fact, until the early 80s, Mormon members could get the pattern for the garments and temple clothes and make them on their own...secretly, of course.
Anyhow, there's nothing more likely to piss off Mormons than a bunch of heathens wearing their sacred bulletproof undies. With Mittens now the candidate, it's time people join the South Park boys and have some fun with Mormon shit.
Oh yeah, and I was going to say, good thing Romney's underwear is fire-retardant...since his pants are constantly on fire...
Anyhow, there's nothing more likely to piss off Mormons than a bunch of heathens wearing their sacred bulletproof undies. With Mittens now the candidate, it's time people join the South Park boys and have some fun with Mormon shit.
Oh yeah, and I was going to say, good thing Romney's underwear is fire-retardant...since his pants are constantly on fire...
17
No one who has seen the HBO adaptation of "Angels in America" is allowed to be surprised about this. But the real principle at work here is that if you look good enough, you can wear all sorts of ridiculous things and continue to look good.
19
You have to admit those men's long boxer briefs look pretty damn hot on that model. I am disturbed, however, that Mormon's Secret offers the women's magic underpants in NYLON only, which would be okay if they're only being worn for playtime dress-up, but as an everyday underpant, nylon is a horrible choice.
21
Word from the Great Beyond is that Dan's momma, fresh and clean from her Dead Mormon Baptism, likes to lounge around in only a bottom.
Judy always was a maverick.
Judy always was a maverick.
22
I've long had a fantasy about fucking a hot Mormon missionary while he was wearing his magic undies. There is something delightfully sacrilegious about it.
23
I wore those things for over 20 years, and there isn't much sexy about them, at least to me. I can think of much better fetish items.
24
The women's garments aren't just available in nylon but in cotton and other fabrics. Doesn't matter: they still look terrible on just about any woman (or man).
25
I have a female friend here in Seattle who seduced two Mormon missionaries who came to her door many years ago. No joke! She is my hero!
26
I like that the men's magic needlework forms little stitchery x over the nipples.
None of the Mormons I know look like that
None of the Mormons I know look like that
27
I want desperately to know WHICH masonic symbol is stitched over the right knee? The beehive? The skeleton? The square, compasses or plumb bob? the Hoodwink? The world globe, the starry night, the twin columns? Diogenes' lantern? Lady justice? Like Dan says: send photos!
29
I'm a fucking (limited-use) temple-recommend-holding Mormon, and sweet Joseph Smith, the women's ones are SO UGG. Please, please tell me that there is some adorable Mormon dude who's going to be like, "honey, I want to marry you, and have children with you, and have hot, hot sex with you daily, and for the latter to happen, BUY YOUR UNDERWEAR FROM VS." /shudder/
30
Creepy to look at, but I can personally attest that they're comfy as shit to wear.
And no— haven't worn them in years.
And no— haven't worn them in years.
31
You won't find any undies here, but you'll find official temple wear - and PIONEER garments. http://whiteelegance.com/
33
The men look nummy. The women need some work. Say a model with a Victoria Secretesque body in magical undies damped so they cling and are slightly transparent. Nipples erect, and thumb in waistband pulling them down far enough to expose full hip.
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