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Monday, June 11, 2012

News The Monday Morning News

Posted by Goldy on Mon, Jun 11, 2012 at 7:31 AM

Socialism Wins! Newly elected French President Francois Hollande's Socialist Party looks to take control of the nation's lower house of parliament, giving him the leverage to reform a government his party sees as "too capitalist" for the French.

Corporate Socialism Wins! Both the Euro and world stock markets climbed Monday morning, the first trading day after Spain agreed to a $125 billion bank bailout. Yay for markets!

Nadal Wins! Rafael Nadal won his record seventh French Open, 3-1, over Novak Djokovic.

Once Wins! A musical I never heard of, because frankly, I just don't pay that much attention to Broadway anymore, won eight Tony Awards last night, including best musical.

Turkish Fans Hoping for a Peek at Madonna's 53-Year-Old Nipple Win! No wardrobe malfunction, Madonna intentionally flashed a little booby at a show in Istanbul.

Parents Everywhere Looking to Console Themselves That They're Not So Bad Win! British Prime Minister David Cameron left his 8-year-old daughter behind at a pub. Really.

Colorado Trees Lose! Two separate forest fires in Colorado have grown to cover over 60 square miles, and have destroyed or damaged dozens of structures.

Ballard Locks Lose! The smaller lock at the Ballard Locks remains closed for damage inspection after the 60-foot Spirit of 76, a "party venue," hit it on Sunday.

Washington Loses! Surprise: our highest in the nation gasoline prices are hurting Washington's economy. But government should stay out of this because, you know, markets are magic.

Cars Driving Near US Commerce Secretaries Lose! US Secretary of Commerce John Bryson has been cited in a felony hit-and-run case after being involved in at least two automobile accidents on Saturday evening. Bryson allegedly rear-ended a vehicle waiting at a train crossing in San Gabriel, California, then hit the car again while driving away. He was later found unconscious at the wheel of his car after hitting another car five minutes later.

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It sounds like the Mr Bryson suffered a seizure. Hope he gets better and that the victims get well soon

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on June 11, 2012 at 7:46 AM

President Obama needs to hammer the unpopular Republican congress for holding the economy back. It is an intentional attempt to erode his support and he needs to go after them as the cause of economic slow down.

Posted by Vince on June 11, 2012 at 7:49 AM

Speaking of wins and losses, any news on the editorial page writer that the Times was looking to hire?

Posted by seatackled on June 11, 2012 at 7:53 AM

@2 that's better than being honest and explaining that the economy is the byproduct of a complex web of global economies and he has little to do with it.

Posted by CbytheSea on June 11, 2012 at 7:54 AM

Argh! Bad homo! I forgot to watch the Tonys last night! Very excited to read Audra ("Survived a Sondheim Smackdown") McDonald and James Corden won, but I am sad Andrew Garfield didn't. Because I believe this is the year he is going to wind up kissing me, and it's nice if the person you most want to kss you also has a Tony. No offense to Mr. Corden.

Posted by gloomy gus on June 11, 2012 at 7:54 AM

The movie Once that the play is based on is one of my all time favorites, Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová are brilliant.

Posted by Huntly on June 11, 2012 at 8:19 AM

That Madonna boobie was just not pleasant. Put it away girl, no one -- NO ONE -- wants to see that.

Posted by Cracker Jack on June 11, 2012 at 8:27 AM

I'm astounded that James Cordon beat such a distinguished field to win a Tony. I guess he must have some talent as an actor but he's better known in Britain for wretched starfucking, being a dreadfully unfunny comedian and presenting a terrible, terrible programme during the 2010 World Cup.

http://www.wsc.co.uk/content/view/5703/3…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLhxcZZEa…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZSe5zjG1…

I don't know if his agent should be sacked for letting him take part in shit like that or commended for getting the big galoot a gig on broadway.

Posted by Camembert on June 11, 2012 at 8:30 AM

@7 Oh, that's the problem with aging. When you're young and shy, every guy wants to see them, but after you've nursed kids and have years of wisdom and are no longer ashamed of yourself, no one wants to see them anymore.

Posted by Allyn on June 11, 2012 at 8:53 AM

I should clarify that when they say "structures" here in Colorado, they're not talking about houses. These are "outbuildings." Sheds and whatnot.

Stay tuned. The fire season here hasn't even really gotten started yet.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty

on June 11, 2012 at 9:00 AM

when you're 53, too, you have no problem with madonna's tits. ageists.

Posted by Max Solomon on June 11, 2012 at 9:03 AM

@8, it's a real puzzler that some people manage to rebound after career stalls. Corden, Dan Savage, etc. You'd think everyone who ever laid an egg would just crawl into a hole, but nooooooooo....

Posted by gloomy gus on June 11, 2012 at 9:03 AM

Remember when Madonna was cool and edgy? Now she's just sad and a little pathetic.

She needs to study up on how Cher and Tina Turner aged gracefully and still kept on being hot.

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on June 11, 2012 at 9:09 AM

Who gives a shit if Madonna's nipple is 53? I hope she's flashing it at 73, just to give all you puritanical ageists and sexists the vapors.

Posted by Irena on June 11, 2012 at 9:28 AM

Aww had Madonna fallen short of the Fuckabilty Mandate for some of y'all? Too bad. I'm with Irena on this one.

Posted by Lissa on June 11, 2012 at 9:39 AM

There's nothing wrong with Madonna's tits, but I didn't get anything out of her flash either. If anything, it's just one more calculated PR stunt.

Posted by Matt from Denver on June 11, 2012 at 9:42 AM

From Tim Minchin's song, Confessions:
Fuck, I love boobs, though. I just really care for ‘em.
They are equally fun when they’re twenty-one or octogenarian.

Posted by Allyn on June 11, 2012 at 9:48 AM

It is a perfectly nice nipple. I don't see what everyone is complaining about, she's a fit woman who has been bodily preserved with the best care money can buy.

It does seem to have gotten people's attention, for her apparent desperation if nothing else. Wardrobe malfunctions and flashing are a young girl's game of rebellion. She needs to stop fighting popular culture and embrace something new to bring positive attention back.

Posted by wingedkat on June 11, 2012 at 10:00 AM

The revered prophet Mons Habil predicted this in 1227 when he wheezed "The low-hanging fruit of the Tree of Life will fulfill a nation of swank Idlers, the Internet be Blessed." (Capitalization his, implied by a third of a Second hesitation in every third Revolution) That's nobody's business but the Turks.

The fate of the Spirit of '76 gives me hope that the floating drunken hot tubs will provide entertainment for years to come.

Posted by bedipped on June 11, 2012 at 10:20 AM

@13,

You think Cher has aged gracefully? She can't move her face.

Posted by keshmeshi on June 11, 2012 at 10:46 AM

Please next time include months, weeks, and days in your calculation of a nipple's age. It's the kind of detail I need in order to determine if I'm aroused or repulsed by the age of a nipple.

Also: Madonna is such a bitch for having 53-year-old nipples. Fuck her! Right, everybody? Come flash us when you've reverse-aged your nipples to a more acceptable age, you sexy slut!

Now please excuse me while I go pound one out while looking at stills of Madonna's nipple.

Seriously, the only woman mentioned in the morning news, and it's for her sexuality. But it's not enough that she's newsworthy because of nudity: she also has to be casually denigrated for not being sexy enough. Do you even think about your daughter when you write shit like this?

Posted by Mike on June 11, 2012 at 10:55 AM

Will you guys stop referring to the contiguous states as "the nation"? Alaska and Hawaii are still part of the nation and still have higher gas prices.

Posted by raawr on June 11, 2012 at 1:04 PM