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News & ArtsTuesday, May 22, 2012
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Thank You Noted
Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, May 22, 2012 at 6:22 PM
I'm not expecting a reply—although it would be nice!—I just wanted to say thank you. I'm bisexual. I have known it since I was quite young. My family found out when I was 16. It's been five years of listening to them tell me that I can be one or the other—gay or straight—but not bisexual because bisexuals are liars. Then I showed my brother the YouTube video of you on bisexuality, and he now believes that not only is bisexuality real, but that I am really bisexual. I'm in a hetrosexual relationship and probably will be for the rest of my life. But I have always, and will always, find women and men atractive. It's always been a bit of a problem since my family found out. But now at least I can talk to my brother about my exes. I can finally tell him which of my "friends" were really girlfriends. He even listens to my advice on picking women up now—and he's 7 years older than me! Sorry for rambling.
But it meant so much to me—your video did—and it's amazing how someone can change thanks to one simple video. Thanks again!
You Made A Believer
2
Externally-sourced gratification is really important to most people.
Very difficult to build a person capable of deriving worthwhile gratification from entirely or mostly within.
Hence, familial acknowledgement of identity is frequently key. As you get older, I imagine, you are more capable of seeing yourself and your achievements for what they actually are, and deriving strength from the inside. I imagine it takes a great deal of maturity, however.
Very difficult to build a person capable of deriving worthwhile gratification from entirely or mostly within.
Hence, familial acknowledgement of identity is frequently key. As you get older, I imagine, you are more capable of seeing yourself and your achievements for what they actually are, and deriving strength from the inside. I imagine it takes a great deal of maturity, however.
3
@2: I went to an afterhours party with a gay friend a little while ago. Both of us were fucked up and started having one of those "the truth comes out" conversations.
He told me he thought I was either gay or bi, and that he was sure I've been penetrated by a man. I told him that wasn't true (though I get why he might think that - I've often felt like a gay man trapped in a straight body). After a little back and forth, I said "Think what you will, but it's important to me that my friends know who I am, so I'm just letting you know I'm straight."
Sharing your sexual orientation isn't a matter of "externally-sourced gratification". It's a matter of wanting to feel more closely connected to people.
He told me he thought I was either gay or bi, and that he was sure I've been penetrated by a man. I told him that wasn't true (though I get why he might think that - I've often felt like a gay man trapped in a straight body). After a little back and forth, I said "Think what you will, but it's important to me that my friends know who I am, so I'm just letting you know I'm straight."
Sharing your sexual orientation isn't a matter of "externally-sourced gratification". It's a matter of wanting to feel more closely connected to people.
4
I came out bi to my mom in high school and she never blinked an eye. Her idea of acceptance is to ignore something. Be color blind, don't see race, and you're not a racist. Pretend that your halfdyke daughter is no different at all from anyone else and you're not a homophobe. She saw no need for PFLAG any more than she'd see a need for a support group for parents of blondes. She told me ten years later that she felt so bad for me because I'd be alone forever since I could only be happy if I happened to find a couple I could fall for. I really wish she'd asked questions rather than run on her assumptions. I am now married, happily and monogamously, to a man and my mom finally gets that I married a man by sheer dumb luck, not by preference, and that I love him no less for his lack of vagina.
Bisexuals have it harder is some respects, easier in others (it's less miserable for us to stay in the closet sometimes; we don't have to fake the celebrity crushes). But the worst part is when you're young and you look for an identity, a community, and all you find are Girls Gone Wild ads and letters to Penthouse. It sucks to think you're queer and feel rejected by the gay community for not being queer enough. Thank you, Dan, for making it a bit easier.
Bisexuals have it harder is some respects, easier in others (it's less miserable for us to stay in the closet sometimes; we don't have to fake the celebrity crushes). But the worst part is when you're young and you look for an identity, a community, and all you find are Girls Gone Wild ads and letters to Penthouse. It sucks to think you're queer and feel rejected by the gay community for not being queer enough. Thank you, Dan, for making it a bit easier.
6
Yay, Dan. As a bi woman who has watched your position on bisexuals evolve - just like the president's, on gay marriage - this is really refreshing to read. Props..!
Also, been through that whole "not queer enough" thing at pride marches/bars. Eh, it's easy to be out-n-proud when I' invovled w/ another woman, but when it's with a dude, I have to slap rainbows all over everything. I'm equally bigmouthed RE: GLBT issues either way.
I think it's important to be out & visible (or straight but not narrow, & visible about that). The more folks know you as a GLBT/GLBT-friendly person, the harder it will be to discriminate against you.
Also, been through that whole "not queer enough" thing at pride marches/bars. Eh, it's easy to be out-n-proud when I' invovled w/ another woman, but when it's with a dude, I have to slap rainbows all over everything. I'm equally bigmouthed RE: GLBT issues either way.
I think it's important to be out & visible (or straight but not narrow, & visible about that). The more folks know you as a GLBT/GLBT-friendly person, the harder it will be to discriminate against you.
7
Good for the LW, but is one allowed an eyebrow raise at the confidence of any 16-year-old that hes current relationship will last hem out the rest of hes life? (If I were in Snark Mode, I'd offer condolences about her terminal disease that gives her less than a year to live.) Of course it does happen, but the chance of the relationship lasting or the monogamy lasting (if one can go by the spirit of the letter) alone ought to reduce the "probably".
But again, good for the LW for finding her life improved. The particular difficulty is hard enough internally, without anyone adding external difficulties through disbelief. Or at least leave the disbelief to the Great Oppressors.
But again, good for the LW for finding her life improved. The particular difficulty is hard enough internally, without anyone adding external difficulties through disbelief. Or at least leave the disbelief to the Great Oppressors.
8
@6 - I'm not sure how much it has to do with Dan evolving or that the culture has evolved. Back when coming out as gay was generally less common than it is now, many young gay men (like myself and some friends at the time) self-identified as bisexual because while in transition from straight to gay-identified we weren't yet ready (aka scared) to give up our straight identities. Well those times are past (30 years past now). While I'm sure some gay people may still do this - there are far fewer reasons for gays & lesbians to cling to that identity any more. So that old chestnut that "bisexuality is a steppingstone to gay" is no longer as common and should be treated as hogwash - now actual bisexuals should be free from the suspicion that they are just unable to "choose" sides.
9
@7:
"I have known it since I was quite young. My family found out when I was 16. It's been five years of listening to them..."
She's 21. Still quite young to be in a permanent relationship, but not 16.
"I have known it since I was quite young. My family found out when I was 16. It's been five years of listening to them..."
She's 21. Still quite young to be in a permanent relationship, but not 16.
10
@6- Thanks, Eva. Now I get what bugs me (as a gay man) about 'the bi's'- it's the disappearing act they do when they (seemingly inevitably) end up with an opposite-sex partner- they just fucking DISAPPEAR! Leaving a sympathetic, yet invisible member of a sexual minority. Meanwhile, us GLT's have to keep being political bumper stickers, because it's either that or the closet.
So- as Dan has been saying- all you bi folks out there, who find yourselves comfortably in het relationships and therefore no longer political statements- PLEASE- for the gay side of yourselves and for all our sakes- STAY HIGHLY VISIBLE as a sexual minority. Thank you.
Thanks for being 'out', Eva, even while in a str8 relationship. There should be millions more like you.
So- as Dan has been saying- all you bi folks out there, who find yourselves comfortably in het relationships and therefore no longer political statements- PLEASE- for the gay side of yourselves and for all our sakes- STAY HIGHLY VISIBLE as a sexual minority. Thank you.
Thanks for being 'out', Eva, even while in a str8 relationship. There should be millions more like you.
11
Just because you don't see them does not mean they disappear. My partner is bisexual, but we are in a het relationship. She's still here. She can be and is out to folks, but she's also not looking for another relationship. That is, I could also be "out" and say I'm attracted to more than one woman, but it is a little counter to what our relationship means to us.
I don't mean this as snappy as it sounds but, no one can "disappear" her.
ON another note, I hope I can make the world a better place, as you have Dan. You make such a difference in lives. I'm challenged to be better, and inspired by how you do it.
I don't mean this as snappy as it sounds but, no one can "disappear" her.
ON another note, I hope I can make the world a better place, as you have Dan. You make such a difference in lives. I'm challenged to be better, and inspired by how you do it.
12
Ms(?) Doctrine - Oh, dear, that's 2:00 a.m. for you. But where is the tipping point, one wonders - 40ish?
13
I've always understood Bi-Sexuals to be individuals that run to the opposite sex when the going gets rough. Sort of like what #10 said. If you live with an opposite sex person I don't see you as any thing other than Hetero-folk. Unfortunately we can't see gradations of sexual orientation, we just see the binary of it (male-female).
14
@ 13 That's ridiculous. What about GL identified people who aren't in relationships? Are they less gay because you can't see them with a partner? Or T people who identify outside of the gender that they were born with? Are they less M/F because they don't look that way to you?
It isn't about how one appears to others but how one identifies. Our community should be accepting of who one feels they are, not how one appears to others. Looking at external binaries as the be-all, end-all determiner is so Het.
For the record, I'm a B with a gf and a bf so I guess that I'd be okay in your book about half of the time depending on the night that you run into me and my partner. :)
It isn't about how one appears to others but how one identifies. Our community should be accepting of who one feels they are, not how one appears to others. Looking at external binaries as the be-all, end-all determiner is so Het.
For the record, I'm a B with a gf and a bf so I guess that I'd be okay in your book about half of the time depending on the night that you run into me and my partner. :)
16
I told my family I was bi after I dated women for years. I figured I better since statistically it appeared that I attracted women more. My sisters were really supportive, they even seemed to enjoy pointing out beautiful women to me at the bars. Sadly, ever since I opened my mouth to my family about it I have only ever dated men. Now I think they think I am a liar or just looking for attention.
17
@16, I think that's what's tough about being bi. People think you need to be dating--or at least fucking--a garden variety of men and women in equal amounts to believe you're *really* bisexual. It's silly, as most gay and straight people don't go fucking and dating willy-nilly past a certain age, and then, when they meet that right person, that's it.
Like, you could say you're bi after dating a string of same-sex partners, and then immediately afterwards (like you say) happen to be attracted to a lot of opposite-sex partners and end up with them. And those who don't get it will wonder if you've "gone straight."
People like it when sexuality is neat, easy to label, and unchanging, but it's just not. The sooner we all accept that, the better off we'll all be.
Like, you could say you're bi after dating a string of same-sex partners, and then immediately afterwards (like you say) happen to be attracted to a lot of opposite-sex partners and end up with them. And those who don't get it will wonder if you've "gone straight."
People like it when sexuality is neat, easy to label, and unchanging, but it's just not. The sooner we all accept that, the better off we'll all be.
18
@13: "Bi-Sexuals...run to the opposite sex when the going gets rough."
That is horse shit. I'm bi. I'm also single, so by your standard I should ID as asexual?
I've had people yell "Fag" at me when I walk down the street, my step mother is convinced I'm gay, and I'm pretty fucking visible when I dine out with my trans friend. So, no I don't think that I disapear into het privilege, "when the going gets rough."
That is horse shit. I'm bi. I'm also single, so by your standard I should ID as asexual?
I've had people yell "Fag" at me when I walk down the street, my step mother is convinced I'm gay, and I'm pretty fucking visible when I dine out with my trans friend. So, no I don't think that I disapear into het privilege, "when the going gets rough."
19
things mothers say when you come out as bi... mine thought it was evidence of o.d.d. - i.e. i was only doing it to be contrary.
but that attitude of "just pick a side" is rife. watched the same disbelief from the family of a co-parent; they seemed to think there was something wrong, because he wasn't coming out as gay....
but that attitude of "just pick a side" is rife. watched the same disbelief from the family of a co-parent; they seemed to think there was something wrong, because he wasn't coming out as gay....
21
I don't understand how that video made anyone believe that you are bisexual. That is about a minute and a half of Dan saying that bisexuality is just a phase and then a minute of him talking about his fetish for right wing homophobes.
My guess is that you're family saw it and thought that there was no point in arguing the point.
I also guess that this letter was posted only as evidence that Dan is biphobic.
My guess is that you're family saw it and thought that there was no point in arguing the point.
I also guess that this letter was posted only as evidence that Dan is biphobic.
22
#10 I think it amazing that when a bisexual ends up in a opposite sex relationship we're told we "disappear " into the straight community, but if we end up in a same sex relationship people like you say we are really gay.
23
@10:
"All you bi folks out there, who find yourselves comfortably in het relationships and therefore no longer political statements- PLEASE- for the gay side of yourselves and for all our sakes- STAY HIGHLY VISIBLE as a sexual minority."
Thank you for the encouragement! As a bisexual in a het relationship, I sometimes worry about being viewed as a tourist or cultural appropriator in LGBT groups, or when I speak up about gay rights. I have another bisexual friend in a straight relationship who says she doesn't speak up about her sexuality, because she feels like it would be unfair to people in same-sex relationships. In her view, someone earns the right to belong in LGBT groups by combating homophobia in their daily lives, which only happens if you have a same-sex partner.
The bright side of this worry, for me, is that it makes me more likely to volunteer regularly at the LGBT center in my town, instead of just showing up to social stuff. It feels like I'm earning my keep, I guess, since I'm not helping visibility just by going out with my partner, like someone in a same-sex relationship. I like to think I would volunteer anyway (and I usually have fun), but I think that feeling is an extra carrot dangling in front of me.
"All you bi folks out there, who find yourselves comfortably in het relationships and therefore no longer political statements- PLEASE- for the gay side of yourselves and for all our sakes- STAY HIGHLY VISIBLE as a sexual minority."
Thank you for the encouragement! As a bisexual in a het relationship, I sometimes worry about being viewed as a tourist or cultural appropriator in LGBT groups, or when I speak up about gay rights. I have another bisexual friend in a straight relationship who says she doesn't speak up about her sexuality, because she feels like it would be unfair to people in same-sex relationships. In her view, someone earns the right to belong in LGBT groups by combating homophobia in their daily lives, which only happens if you have a same-sex partner.
The bright side of this worry, for me, is that it makes me more likely to volunteer regularly at the LGBT center in my town, instead of just showing up to social stuff. It feels like I'm earning my keep, I guess, since I'm not helping visibility just by going out with my partner, like someone in a same-sex relationship. I like to think I would volunteer anyway (and I usually have fun), but I think that feeling is an extra carrot dangling in front of me.
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