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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Fuck You, Rick Santorum

Posted by on Tue, Apr 10, 2012 at 12:29 PM

Dear Rick Santorum,

If you weren't such a total moron, you could've been your party's nominee right now. There was a span of maybe one week on either side of your wins in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri when you could have taken advantage of your own party's revulsion against Mitt Romney and crested the polls to victory. Those two weeks were the only point in this whole godforsaken race when Romney was vulnerable. You were the only person in the whole world who could have toppled him before he bought the Republican nomination. And you blew it.

You blew it in part because you thought the same things that handed you a victory in Iowa—your lack of organization, your inability to prepare a speech ahead of time, your distrust of outsiders—would lead you to victory in the national campaign. Only a very stupid person would think that. Some of the best presidential campaigns start on a couple bucks and a dream, but in order to capitalize on that early momentum, they have to transition from vanity campaigns to a real organization. It's one of the first real tests to prove that a candidate has presidential mettle, and you proved the exact opposite: You were superstitious about having a plan, distrustful of preparation, and scornful of experts. That's not what anyone—except maybe a few fringe nutjobs—wants in a candidate.

But that's not the main reason why you blew it. You blew it because you couldn't—not for a single minute—manage to hide your bigotry from the world. The spotlight fell on you and you had to let your hatred out. You said horrible things about gays, women, unreligious people, tolerance, sex out of wedlock, and science. You just couldn't help yourself. Your obsession with the genital areas of total strangers isn't just unhealthy—it's downright sociopathic.

You caused the impossible to happen, Rick. You caused the Republican Party to wince in shame at its own bigotry. Republicans are proud of their bigotry as long as it's couched in even the most simplistic euphemisms. (Think of the shoddy way Newt Gingrich handled Juan Williams at that debate, and the way he was applauded for barely concealing his consideration of Williams as something less than a full human being.) But you spoke too plainly, and Republicans could see themselves in your ever-present grimace, and they had to shy away from what they saw because it was just too disgusting.

And so what now? The rumors say that Fox News won't take you back because you accused them of "shilling" for Romney. I'm sure you think you're going to run for president in 2016, but you'll find even fewer people willing to stand up for you after losing this battle so publicly and in such a stupid fashion. I'm sure some think-tanks will take you, and the Christian bigots will hire you to go stump against gay marriage in a few states. I think that's probably most likely to be your legacy: Fighting a losing battle against the future for a dwindling fringe population of religious bigots.

Oh, no, wait. That's not going to be your legacy. Your legacy was already decided a long time ago. You're a real piece of shit, Rick Santorum. You're a fecal smear on history, and your stink will only last so long before you'll get washed out of our memory forever.

(heart,)
Paul Bobby Constant

 

Comments (57) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
despicable me 1
Love letters by Paul.
Posted by despicable me on April 10, 2012 at 12:35 PM
Erin Resso 2
Haha, @1 hit's it on the nose...

I love this, Paul.
Posted by Erin Resso http://deejayres.tumblr.com on April 10, 2012 at 12:38 PM
3
Hugs!
Posted by Zeno on April 10, 2012 at 12:38 PM
Teslick 4
Santorum had 0 chance, before or after Colorado/Minnesota. The party machine picked Romney long before. This was all just theater for the news folks.
Posted by Teslick on April 10, 2012 at 12:38 PM
rob! 5
Dan Savage is on NPR's 'Talk of the Nation' to talk about 'Savage U' RIGHT NOW.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on April 10, 2012 at 12:39 PM
mikethehammer 6
On a tangentially related note, Dan Savage going on Talk of the Nation on NPR right now if anyone wants to listen.
Posted by mikethehammer on April 10, 2012 at 12:39 PM
rob! 7
Frothy jinx!
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on April 10, 2012 at 12:40 PM
mikethehammer 8
Beat me to it there, Rob. Can't believe they didn't do a post about it.
Posted by mikethehammer on April 10, 2012 at 12:40 PM
9
Santorum Exit Could Provide Opening
-Christian Science Monitor

he he.
Posted by he he he on April 10, 2012 at 12:40 PM
10
And yet if Romney loses, Santorum will be the de facto Republican frontrunner in 2016.
Posted by Smartypants on April 10, 2012 at 12:41 PM
mikethehammer 11
Frothy jinx, indeed. Hey, didn't Slog comments used to auto-convert any mention of santorum to a hyper link to the spreading santorum webpage?
Posted by mikethehammer on April 10, 2012 at 12:43 PM
12
Santorum's going to blame his daughter privately, though publicly he will say that quitting shows what good heterosexual family values he has that America would do well to adopt.
Posted by seatackled on April 10, 2012 at 12:45 PM
13
Bravo!
Posted by Chicago Fan on April 10, 2012 at 12:47 PM
psbirch 14
...but how do you *really* feel, Paul?
Posted by psbirch on April 10, 2012 at 12:49 PM
15
Now THAT is a love letter!
Posted by ohthetrees on April 10, 2012 at 12:51 PM
yelahneb 16
Man - Rick's gonna be super depressed when he reads this.
Posted by yelahneb http://www.strangebutharmless.com on April 10, 2012 at 12:56 PM
Matt from Denver 17
@ 11, no. There have been hundreds of comments about Santorum that weren't hyperlinked to anything.
Posted by Matt from Denver on April 10, 2012 at 1:02 PM
18
Yeah, the kiddies love it Paul. Childish rants for children. You really told 'em.
Posted by menace2society on April 10, 2012 at 1:05 PM
Cienna Madrid 19
Paul's love letters make me fall in love with love all over again.
Posted by Cienna Madrid on April 10, 2012 at 1:06 PM
very bad homo 20
By 2016, his schtick will be even less acceptable. He's finished.
Posted by very bad homo on April 10, 2012 at 1:06 PM
slade 21
I have to wonder what protests are going to happen as per like the protests that happened 4 and 8 years ago that seemingly have vanished from the internet as they seemed to always be against Ripukelickins?

http://www.google.com/search?ix=seb&sour…

I would open with all the protests against the republicans from Dick Nixon to W bush and put it to music but Not even The internet has anything to contribute it seems.

Where are my minions? where is my army of Stupid Fools? why has no pie graced the face of Mitt Romney? where are those angry mothers against a war and the death of their sons and daughters? were are the land off the free and the home of the brave? I don't like Sissy politics and there are wars to be ended.
Dose anyone know what I am looking for?
Posted by slade http://www.youtube.com/user/guppygator on April 10, 2012 at 1:10 PM
gloomy gus 22
What a rage-fap. Fantastic.
Posted by gloomy gus on April 10, 2012 at 1:10 PM
23
Fuck You? What a pro. Way to polish that prose, Paul, a childish rant for the children of the Stranger.
Posted by menace2society on April 10, 2012 at 1:10 PM
24
Were you really hoping for Santorum to upset Romney, Paul? I agree with your assessment that he wasted his brief momentum by making everyone feel really uncomfortable about Republican "values", but you say that like it's a bad thing. It's the best use of that frothy waste of space that I could imagine.
Posted by Nitidiuscula on April 10, 2012 at 1:12 PM
25
@18/23, if you're going to leave two posts you could at least say something different in each one. Just a suggestion.
Posted by Nitidiuscula on April 10, 2012 at 1:14 PM
26
@23,18

Nobody cares what you think. But keep telling us how mature you are, like a kid trying to stay up past his/her bedtime.
Posted by FonsieScheme on April 10, 2012 at 1:14 PM
Bauhaus I 27
In his statement he mentions his comparative lack of money, but, he adds, he ran a different kind of campaign - he touch a lot of hearts. Millions of voters, he continues, millions!

Rather sounds like the perfect despot, doesn't it? My people love me because I tell them how to run their lives and graciously limit their choices.

What a goon.
Posted by Bauhaus I on April 10, 2012 at 1:19 PM
Matt from Denver 28
@ 24, I can't speak for Paul, but the general sense I've gotten is that the longer Santorum stayed in, the more Romney would have to fight him instead of Obama, and maybe more division would have been sown between the establishment 'pubs and the base. Perhaps even a Santorum nomination WAS something to hope for - I'd be nervous of it, but having a real radical might have provided the same kind of blow to the national GOP that the 1996 gubernatorial run of Ellen Craswell did to Washington's.
Posted by Matt from Denver on April 10, 2012 at 1:21 PM
levide 29
Next time he's gonna be the moderate. Think about that.
Posted by levide on April 10, 2012 at 1:30 PM
30
@18, 23

Lame troll is surprisingly effective.
Posted by Central Scrutinizer on April 10, 2012 at 1:31 PM
mikethehammer 31
Entertaining read, though I think I disagree with the basic premise that abandoning the lunatic rhetoric could've allowed him a legitimate shot at the nomination. In doing so, he'd have picked up some support from some moderate/mainstream repubs, but then also lost a sizable contingent of the wingnut faction that represents his base. Like the evangelical movement in general, his campaign was doomed from it's inception.
Posted by mikethehammer on April 10, 2012 at 1:33 PM
32
@28, I think he's done well stealing Romney's "inevitability" thunder, and reminding large swathes of the Republican base that they really don't like or want Romney at all, for months now. Also (as stated in the OP) I think he's done a wonderful job reminding people that the whole social conservative pole of the Republican tent is fucking crazy. Santorum's going away but he's practically guaranteed that the War on Sex is going to continue to be an issue throughout the election, and hopefully beyond.

I don't think (despite Paul's assertions) he ever had a real chance at the nomination, and I'm glad for that; not confident enough in Obama's chances that I'd want the alternative to be as dangerously crazy (and energizing to the dangerously crazy right-wing base) as Santorum.

I don't think I actually disagree with Paul or you on anything substantial here; I'm just more inclined to be glad than angry to see Frothy dribble away. Good riddance.
Posted by Nitidiuscula on April 10, 2012 at 1:41 PM
33
@29
"Next time he's gonna be the moderate. Think about that."

Yep. He will be the "moderate" candidate for the Republican nomination.

The question is: In four years, will 51% of the American people see him as a "moderate" that they'd rather have than whomever the Democrats run.
Posted by fairly.unbalanced on April 10, 2012 at 1:41 PM
slade 34
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDGORiD82…
Seems some Republicans are not acknowledging facts and dwell solely in fiction?
Or should I say All of the Repukelickens are lost in illusion.
Posted by slade http://www.youtube.com/user/guppygator on April 10, 2012 at 2:48 PM
Lilliable 35
Why the anger? Why "Fuck you"? Santorum getting the nomination would've scared me. As much as I hate that smarmy, slimy Mittens, were something tragic to happen in October of 2012 and deliver the republican as a shoo-in, I'd take him over Santorum.
Posted by Lilliable on April 10, 2012 at 2:52 PM
Catherwood 36
I agree that he's done - in 2016 the R's will have the varsity team competing, for a change. Inasmuch as they HAVE one, of course. But we'll see fatso from NJ, Rubio, Daniels, and perhaps Bush the younger (Jeb), lining up against Hilary. There'll be no room for comic relief from Mr. Frothy.
Posted by Catherwood on April 10, 2012 at 3:48 PM
Keister Button 37
It seems as if former Senator Santorum somehow got stuck with someone who was on Palin's campaign. Pandering to bigots and coming up with disastrous sound bites didn't work in 2008, and I wonder why someone thought they would work in 2012. I guess I don't understand American politics: I'm sure someone will tell me tens of millions of people respond to hate rhetoric dog whistles and it's the only way to bring out a certain voter bloc.
Posted by Keister Button on April 10, 2012 at 3:51 PM
Free Lunch 38
@29 - If the Republicans don't take the White House, they will not become more moderate. They will double-down on their extreme positions.

Take as proof their problem with women. Romney trails Obama by double digits with female voters. In fact, among women of reproductive age, he trails Obama by a staggering 64% to 33%.

Yet just last week, Scott Walker invalidated Wisconsin's equal pay law, dictated the nature of doctor visits for women seeking abortion, banned insurance exchanges from covering abortion, and removed the requirement that sex education provides instruction on birth control and added a required focus on abstinence.

And it's not just one nutcase in Wisconsin doing this. Republicans are playing these games all over the country STILL - despite the ever-growing, highly measurable alienation of female voters. So, no - I don't expect them to learn a lesson from this.

"How does it feel to be a Republican these days," I ask my GOP friends. They just look down and shake their heads.
Posted by Free Lunch on April 10, 2012 at 4:07 PM
rob! 39
What levide said @29. For three decades I've watched the R's grow more insane (with the possible exception of Bush I). I keep thinking it can't possibly get worse, and then next cycle I'm proven wrong again.

Don't console yourself with the notion that batshittery will never make it into the Oval Office. First, it's a bottom-up strategy and the vermin are already infesting school boards, county boards of supervisors, and state legislatures nationwide, largely below the radar of most liberally-inclined people (because they lack the passion of the right wing), and second, the sheer mass of whackadoodles is steadily dragging the center (and the left) to the right.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on April 10, 2012 at 6:17 PM
40
@25, 26: thanks for making my point.
Posted by menace2society on April 10, 2012 at 6:25 PM
Merlin D. Bear 41
Always remember that no matter what, you can't fix stupid.
Posted by Merlin D. Bear on April 10, 2012 at 6:56 PM
Brandon Arkell 42
Ah, the magnanimous critiques of The Stranger, so tempered with restraint and forbearance :)
Posted by Brandon Arkell http://www.brandonarkell.com on April 10, 2012 at 7:14 PM
43
fuck you, paul constant, you're just as intolerant as you think santorum is.
Posted by lololol on April 10, 2012 at 7:45 PM
levide 44
@38

You have Republican friends?
Posted by levide on April 10, 2012 at 9:42 PM
45
Here's a scary thought: if Santorum had won the nomination who would've he picked as his VP? I have no idea, but the mere idea of it scares me.
Posted by MacGruber on April 10, 2012 at 10:08 PM
46
The fellow lacked the stature of a president. Imagine him in situations other presidents
have faced. His over the top attitude about women, civil rights, the military, etc. , to me
indicate too narrow a view. We are still living the results of narrow, self-centered
conservative politics. The current administration has done a fine job considering
the ludicrous behavior and childish antics of the Republicans.

The way things are looking, the Right does not expect to win but will tantrum through it to the end.
Posted by kienhoa on April 10, 2012 at 10:23 PM
Free Lunch 47
@44 - I'm not picky.
Posted by Free Lunch on April 10, 2012 at 10:51 PM
michijo 48
Our politicians are strange in USA. If you ever read a foreign paper, you can see that foreigners like Germans or Indians follow our elections with intensity, as if it were a major spectator sport. They will know all the candidates names, whereas do you know all the politicians in Germany? I have sometimes followed their elections, and it is very lowkey. Of course I hate their candidates as well. Who really are we and what are these fucked up candidates?
Posted by michijo on April 11, 2012 at 4:11 AM
michijo 49
All the presidents should be made to play basketball instead of debate. Whoever wins the basketball match is the president. Instead of suits, they have to wear trunks that show off their knobby knees. It would be degrading in the extreme. We would invite Germans to watch.
Posted by michijo on April 11, 2012 at 4:25 AM
devinderry 50
You know, Paul, it's just bad form to break up with someone over the internet.
Posted by devinderry on April 11, 2012 at 8:33 AM
51
#45...I'm thinking...Joe Lieberman in a nun's habit.
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on April 11, 2012 at 4:45 PM
52
Hey, Constant, were you seriously entertaining the thought of voting for that unadulterated, fucking liar in a sea of liars?
Posted by grokker on April 12, 2012 at 7:39 AM
Bemusedchicken 53
I WONT GIVE UP ON U RICKI.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7pv7sO5G…
Posted by Bemusedchicken on April 12, 2012 at 6:30 PM
54
#53...Jesus...is that what happened to "Prussian Blue" when they grew up?
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on April 13, 2012 at 1:14 AM
k.strezo! 55
I was wondering when The Stranger was going to address that loser one last time. Smell ya later, Santorum.
Posted by k.strezo! http://strezolive.blogspot.com/ on April 15, 2012 at 2:40 PM
56
Presidential campaign starts on a couple of bucks? Are you an idiot? ALL presidential campaigns, except the actual nutcases, are are mounted by well heeled (wealthy) individuals.
Posted by Methowman on April 16, 2012 at 1:16 PM
Chuck Purdy 57
You spoke my heart, Paul...as long as the God Squad loons have nutjobs like Dickie Boy as poster boys, the sooner progressives can take the wheel to usher in free thinking and innovation for our advancement in the 21st Century.
Posted by Chuck Purdy http://facebook.com/​chuxray61 on April 29, 2012 at 12:26 PM

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