Dear Rick Santorum,

If you weren't such a total moron, you could've been your party's nominee right now. There was a span of maybe one week on either side of your wins in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri when you could have taken advantage of your own party's revulsion against Mitt Romney and crested the polls to victory. Those two weeks were the only point in this whole godforsaken race when Romney was vulnerable. You were the only person in the whole world who could have toppled him before he bought the Republican nomination. And you blew it.

You blew it in part because you thought the same things that handed you a victory in Iowa—your lack of organization, your inability to prepare a speech ahead of time, your distrust of outsiders—would lead you to victory in the national campaign. Only a very stupid person would think that. Some of the best presidential campaigns start on a couple bucks and a dream, but in order to capitalize on that early momentum, they have to transition from vanity campaigns to a real organization. It's one of the first real tests to prove that a candidate has presidential mettle, and you proved the exact opposite: You were superstitious about having a plan, distrustful of preparation, and scornful of experts. That's not what anyone—except maybe a few fringe nutjobs—wants in a candidate.

But that's not the main reason why you blew it. You blew it because you couldn't—not for a single minute—manage to hide your bigotry from the world. The spotlight fell on you and you had to let your hatred out. You said horrible things about gays, women, unreligious people, tolerance, sex out of wedlock, and science. You just couldn't help yourself. Your obsession with the genital areas of total strangers isn't just unhealthy—it's downright sociopathic.

You caused the impossible to happen, Rick. You caused the Republican Party to wince in shame at its own bigotry. Republicans are proud of their bigotry as long as it's couched in even the most simplistic euphemisms. (Think of the shoddy way Newt Gingrich handled Juan Williams at that debate, and the way he was applauded for barely concealing his consideration of Williams as something less than a full human being.) But you spoke too plainly, and Republicans could see themselves in your ever-present grimace, and they had to shy away from what they saw because it was just too disgusting.

And so what now? The rumors say that Fox News won't take you back because you accused them of "shilling" for Romney. I'm sure you think you're going to run for president in 2016, but you'll find even fewer people willing to stand up for you after losing this battle so publicly and in such a stupid fashion. I'm sure some think-tanks will take you, and the Christian bigots will hire you to go stump against gay marriage in a few states. I think that's probably most likely to be your legacy: Fighting a losing battle against the future for a dwindling fringe population of religious bigots.

Oh, no, wait. That's not going to be your legacy. Your legacy was already decided a long time ago. You're a real piece of shit, Rick Santorum. You're a fecal smear on history, and your stink will only last so long before you'll get washed out of our memory forever.

(heart,)
Paul Bobby Constant