SL Letter of the Day: Monogamous Week, Day 4 (Gay Day!)
by Dan Savage
on Thu, Apr 5, 2012 at 5:24 PM
My partner and I have been together since 1981. We were mere younggins when we met in a bar in West Hollywood on that hot July 3rd night. We saw fireworks before the 4th! We were so into each other that there was no room for anyone else. Also, it was a time when AIDS began to appear in the gay community, and there was a lot of uncertainty and fear. We never entertained the thought to open up the relationship. I know that we're freaks of gay nature, but we are extremely happy, 30+ years later. We know what turns each other on and still have hot sex. Sure, we look at hot guys. Sure, I love porn. But we're enough for each other and I don't see it changing after all these years.
Gay & Monogamous
I saw your request for monogamous stories and thought i'd share. I don't have anything interesting to say, and that's the point. We're a gay couple. We're married. And we have a perfect two year old son who somehow manages to be adorable and an asshole all at the same time. We're monogamous because that's who we are. We may stuff some dollars down a hot guy's briefs every now and then, but that's all part of keeping the fire lit. In the end, honesty, trust, dedication, and hot monkey sex are all you need to keep any marriage together, open or monogamous.
Regular Dudes Making A Family
I can't tell anyone else that they are doing it wrong, I can only offer our experience:
Eighteen years of hot lesbian love. Married in church 16 years ago, by a county clerk 8 years ago. One kid, 12, and a total PITA who is embarrassed by her parents' liking each other THAT way. Just bought a third mattress set. Why do we need to replace a six-year-old Costco king-size? Our chiropractor (who was slightly scandalized, sad to say) suggested that my wife's back pain might be, ahem, related to taking a pounding on a too-forgiving surface too often. And dammit, she was right. Turns out that in a woman's late 40s, she can actually sprain her lower back—if she's still doing it hard enough!
There are a couple of tricks that help: Lots of date nights when the kid was younger, including hotel rooms that were too scuzzy to shower in but served the purpose of giving us a loud, poorly lit place to have loud, raunchy sex; open discussions about any desired exceptions to our fidelity—none of which have ever been acted on, but none have been suppressed either (that I know of). But the main reason we're happily fucking our way into a third decade together is that our marriage was built on a strong foundation of mutual lust. Our kinks, such as they are, are compatible. We like each other a lot—we were good friends before we ever gave in to that lust, what we had expected to be lust-running-its-course hasn't run out yet. Both of us had been around enough to know what we liked, what was so-so, and what just didn't do it for her.
So if anyone wanted my advice I'd say: Sleep around, a lot, when you're young and dumb. Use protection so that you don't get any lifelong souvenirs from your adventures. When you meet somebody you like—want to do kindnesses just to see her smile, and want to do her until you can't stand up/lay down anymore—you'll know what you've found. Because fidelity (not chastity within monotony but fidelity) is a continuing action of creativity and devotion that requires imagination and persistence to maintain.
Babes Are Still Scandalizing Our Orthodox Neighbors
My husband and I met when we were both approaching 40, and, after 14 years together we are still having at it, and having at it hot. The sex actually seems to get better all the time. I can’t really offer up any advice to other readers about how to keep the spice alive and remain monogamous, but I will let you in on a few things we believe can help. We’re both GGG and non-judgmental about each other’s kinks. We both stay in great physical shape for each other, the importance of which I think is under-appreciated in our culture: hello, true love does not cause blindness, and you naturally feel sexier when you’re fit and lookin’ good. Being married is no excuse for letting yourself go! And a few years back we built a little sex den at our place, which is radically fun and I can’t recommend enough. It’s a porn-y and hedonistic escape hatch where we can really go at it—a grown-up Honeycomb Hideout. Although we always come home alone with each other, we still attend a fair number of gay-circuit events, and somehow still manage to attract some really hot guys. We’ll grope and kiss and bump with as many boys as we can, but that’s about the extent of it. Maybe we’re too particular, but at the end of the day/night we still enjoy coming home together. I also would highly recommend therapy together when the road gets bumpy, just to keep communication open, cause if you’re human you’re hopefully still changing. We are buddies and partners, we share the same goals, but we’ve found that the sex still has to be strong. It does take work at times, at other times maybe a little chemical enhancement… but there’s just no beating a good bopping to keep the bond solid!