I have the attention span of a goldfish, so the prospect of sitting still and silently through a play without an intermission makes me break out in hives. It's why I don't write theater reviews. Add to that the fact that David Schmader himself has said that it would be impossible for anyone at this paper to review this show, for obvious, nepotistic reasons. But holy cowfish. I've seen A Short-Term Solution to a Long-Term Problem, twice now, and Schmader is brilliant. He's as hilarious as you'd naturally expect, but, much more importantly, riveting from beginning to end. I strongly encourage you to get tickets before it ends on April 14. Or somebody might beat the crap out of you. Like, yourself.