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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Chow / ??!! Today in Food-Like Products That Leap from the Package, Pry Open Your Mouth, and March En Masse Down Your Gullet

Posted by on Wed, Mar 28, 2012 at 12:10 PM

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Seriously, what the fuck, Trader Joe's Joe-Joe's Vanilla Sandwich Creme Cookies? I only wanted one of you. But you are one of those diabolical food products that don't sate hunger but somehow create it, via some Satanic blend of starch and salt and sugar and "creme" (??!!) that traps users in a loop of involuntary gorgery until there is no more. And you come in big fucking packs.

You're nothing but trouble. I have enough friends. Stay out of my life.

(Fun fact: I learned this disgusting lesson while watching this week'sepisode of RuPaul's Drag Race, on which Dan and Sharon Needles were great, and Phi-Phi was a clueless dunce turd of a person. The monstrous Phi-Phi adds too much catty drama to the show to be cut from it too soon, but when the cutting of Phi-Phi happens—and it will happen—it will be so, so sweet.)

Confidential to Jason: It's not pretty.

 

Comments (13) RSS

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gloomy gus 1
Between this and their preposterous chocolate-covered sunflower seeds Trader Joe's aims to morph my figure from "pretty princess" to "gouty dowager queen".
Posted by gloomy gus on March 28, 2012 at 12:19 PM
ScrawnyKayaker 2
"Gorgery" is a sweet word!

No reference to sugar intended.
Posted by ScrawnyKayaker on March 28, 2012 at 12:27 PM
3
The best snack ever made was Newman's Own oreos without the gross frosting. Called - I kid you not - Tops and Bottoms.

http://www.amazon.com/Newman-2019s-Own-O…
Posted by Subdued Excitement on March 28, 2012 at 12:28 PM
stinkbug 4
Try the Milk Chocolate Covered Joe's O's sometime (Joe's O's are cereal).

Also, why is there a price tag on that box of Joe-Joe's?
Posted by stinkbug on March 28, 2012 at 12:37 PM
5
They have a peanut butter flavor of Joe-Joe's, if I'm not mistaken. I think they made me gain ten pounds before I gave them up.

Damn you, Joe-Joe's!
Posted by MLM on March 28, 2012 at 1:21 PM
6
Oh, and I also love (too much) Newman's Ginger-Os. They seeeem healthy because they're gingery!!
Posted by MLM on March 28, 2012 at 1:24 PM
7
If this is your reaction to Joe-Joes, I would strongly recommend that you not risk exposure to actual Oreos, which are considerably more dangerous.
Posted by Warren Terra on March 28, 2012 at 1:44 PM
8
My favorite Jo-Jos are the chocolate-covered peppermint ones. They're the best store-bought replacement for my beloved Mystic Mints.

I long ago forbade myself from buying TJ's mini peanut butter cups. There's something about them that makes it possible to eat half the damn container in one sitting.
Posted by keshmeshi on March 28, 2012 at 2:46 PM
9
@4 and @8, thanks for the info and fuck you. I'll be at TJ's...
Posted by Mr. Happy Sunshine on March 28, 2012 at 3:14 PM
crymsonclovur 10
Joe Joe's > Oreos
Posted by crymsonclovur http://crymsonandclovur.tumblr.com/ on March 28, 2012 at 3:30 PM
Simone 11
I love the chocolate ones the best. Newman’s Own is great too.
Posted by Simone on March 28, 2012 at 3:43 PM
MarkyMark 12
You must have never tried the holiday Candy Cane Joe-Joe's
Posted by MarkyMark on March 28, 2012 at 5:33 PM
13
Or the pistachio, chocolate-covered toffee.

Omigod.
Posted by judybrowni on March 28, 2012 at 7:56 PM

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