Santorum says "a month ago they didn't know who we are. They do now!" Santorum says the people of Michigan looked into the hearts of the candidates "and all I have to say is, I love you back." He thanks his family. (Hey, as an aside, do you know what's funny? Santorum lost among Catholics. Maybe they didn't like him puking all over John F. Kennedy, you think?) Now Santorum's thanking his 93-year-old mom, who delivered frothy evil unto this world. Santorum says his mom was a "professional person" who taught him the importance of "doin' it well." Santorum says he met his wife when he recruited her—"in more than one way"—to his law firm. Ew! Is that a euphemism?

Santorum's struggle to balance his campaign with his family, he says, reflects the struggle that every American faces. "Are we a country that believes in big government, do we believe in the smart and the elite of this country to manage us?" Man, he's really doubling down on this dumb motherfucker business, isn't he? "We have a president," he continues, "who says no" to drilling and pipelines, but "we need a president who says yes." Santorum says the EPA is "hovering" over a North Dakota town. He's got a prop! He's holding a piece of shale, and says "this is oil." He raps it against his podium, says North Dakota needs a pipeline to deliver the oil to places that need it.

Santorum says he will cut regulations and cut Obamacare. "If the government gives you a right, they can take it away," he warns. Santorum suggests a health care program called "YouCare, because you know what's best" for you. Santorum says he will end entitlement programs. Man, his daughter is standing behind him, and she looks JUST LIKE HIM, only with some lipstick and longer hair. It's really fucking distracting. "What's that document called? Oh," Santorum says, pretending to remember, "Oh, yeah, it's the U.S. Constitution!" The Constitution is "the how of America," he says, and the Declaration of Independence is "the why of America." That's actually a pretty good description. If I was a civics teacher, I'd totally steal that.

Santorum says America works best "from the bottom up." And that's how he's going to fix America. "From the bottom. Up." He says the British troops' uniforms during the Revolutionary War "looked crisp and stiff. They looked good." But George Washington listened to his troops, and that's why we won. Which is totally what Rick Santorum is like, apparently!

And that's it. That's the whole Santorum speech. You know, as far as his election night speeches go, it was a good one. He had a visual aid, he made a sexual reference, he talked about history, he sounded like he meant what he said. It was a rallying kind of speech, the speech you make when you realize you've really fucked up, but I think it says that Santorum isn't giving up. He has some wins in his very near future, and he knows it.