Lindy West tackles the mystery men behind the awards in this week's Concessions:

Just in time for Oscar week (Sunday! February 26! 4 pm!) comes the durrr that launched 1,000 doys about exactly WHO is picking our Academy Award winners:

A Los Angeles Times study found that academy voters are markedly less diverse than the moviegoing public, and even more monolithic than many in the film industry may suspect. Oscar voters are nearly 94% Caucasian and 77% male, the Times found. Blacks are about 2% of the academy, and Latinos are less than 2%. Oscar voters have a median age of 62, the study showed. People younger than 50 constitute just 14% of the membership.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha SHUT THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR. So you're saying that the Academy Awards are a bunch of meaningless, masturbatory, out-of-touch bullcorn chosen by a panel of congressmen's dads wearing mahogany smoking jackets and high-fiving each other about the Great War? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I figured it was a bunch of undocumented migrant workers who really, really liked The King's Speech. This changes everything.

In keeping with this new information, I have updated my 2012 Oscar picks to reflect the proclivities of the 3,900 Horsegrandpas of the Snoozepocalypse. Here we go:

Read the whole thing here.

Meanwhile, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey hails the harpy who holds court on the red carpet pre-Oscars, offering a sampling of dazzling and bitchy Joan Rivers quotes. Here are but two:

On Ryan Gosling: "I read that his greatest love is an 11-year-old dog, and in human years that's about 78. So Ryan... guess who else is 78 and also likes it doggy style?"

On Katy Perry: "Even hookers would say, 'I'll wear it, mister, but I'm charging you extra.'"

Read the whole thing here!