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Thursday, February 2, 2012

Chow Today in I, Anonymous: The Drunk Guy Slice

Posted by David Schmader on Thu, Feb 2, 2012 at 2:36 PM

Submitted minutes ago to I, Anonymous:

You gave me the “drunk guy slice” of pizza: bloated dough bubbles, burnt dick cheese and a few gnarly slivers of mystery meat that probably rolled out of your sister’s pussy after you fucked her this morning. What’s wrong with your life, pizza-Nazi? Do you need a hug? These arms of mine can thaw the icicles off of a polar bear’s asshole. And don’t forget my sweet chin beard, dude. You ruined my whole night with your petty bullshit, do you know that?

Comments (22) RSS

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I suggest:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth…

Posted by DMonaghan on February 2, 2012 at 2:45 PM

@1 Sounds like a trust-fund-fratboy-hipster either way, I honestly can't tell whether this is a euphemism for his hookups or he just really hates people of a lower social standing.

Posted by undead ayn rand on February 2, 2012 at 2:52 PM

I told this story to a Darfurian and he can't stop weeping.

Posted by jnmend on February 2, 2012 at 2:58 PM

Yeesh. What a scabrous example of subhumanity. He deserves the floor lickings on his pizza.

Posted by camlux on February 2, 2012 at 3:10 PM

What a charmed life this douche must live to have an entire evening ruined by a single slice of pizza that happens to have a bubble or two in it, and feel it warrants a message to I, Anonymous.

Posted by Knat on February 2, 2012 at 3:20 PM

I dunno, the sister sounds like of hot.

Posted by Fnarf

on February 2, 2012 at 3:29 PM

Alors! I won't be having him to tea!

Posted by Bauhaus I on February 2, 2012 at 3:36 PM

Sorry dude, Mitch Hedberg already owns this. You're going to have to find something of equal consequence that will ruin your night.

Posted by Dougsf on February 2, 2012 at 3:58 PM

Making bad pizza makes you a Nazi? What?

Posted by Zebes

on February 2, 2012 at 4:26 PM

I, Anon has gotten worse and worse. Time for a NEW column amirite?

Posted by pioneer on February 2, 2012 at 4:45 PM

@10

This is just a submission, not something that was actually printed.

Posted by Zebes

on February 2, 2012 at 4:49 PM

In the pizza guy's defense, dude, you were kinda drunk.

Posted by Greg on February 2, 2012 at 4:52 PM

He didn't ruin your night, your ruined your night. You baleened the slice and laid awake in sweet misery and memory of your tormentor. Polar bears need a restraining order.

Posted by bedipped on February 2, 2012 at 4:58 PM

Probably a repeat customer who reels in every Friday, makes everyone uncomfortable, and never tips.

Posted by Joe Glibmoron on February 2, 2012 at 6:57 PM

No shame in asking for a different slice, doucheweasel.

Posted by suddenlyorcas on February 2, 2012 at 7:04 PM

Sounds like Big Mario's. What a shit hole that place is. Unless you're some douchebag with a handlebar mustache and a PBR pre-buzz looking to buy something to give some color to your inevitable vomit workout.

Posted by Tom X on February 2, 2012 at 11:31 PM

@14

Tips are for service. If there's no waitstaff, no delivery staff, tips are not the matter. Perhaps the cheap-ass fucking management can bother to pay the kitchen staff better, even if this means raising prices. It's not the customer's fucking business to run the business and ensure the well-being of the staff.

Posted by Central Scrutinizer on February 2, 2012 at 11:35 PM

I call Godwin's Law.

Posted by Geni on February 3, 2012 at 1:35 PM

@16: Doucheanon spotted.

@13: Man, your meds need a refill :(

Posted by undead ayn rand on February 3, 2012 at 1:40 PM

Am I the only one here that considers "These arms of mine can thaw the icicles off of a polar bear’s asshole." to be.. uh... in need of some explanation? Don't they have enough problems with melting ice already? /nudge, wink

Posted by FranklyMyDeer on February 3, 2012 at 10:16 PM

#19- Yep, I'm a douche because I hate shitty pizza and lousy human beings. Also, please be more original in your comments. I'm sure you get a lot of mileage out both of your comments hanging out behind the 7-11 with your friends. You can do better here, surely.

Posted by Tom X on February 7, 2012 at 11:01 AM

You guys need to back the fuck off! Relationships between a man and a polar bear are now recognized by the supreme court and you're wasting your shitty journalism degrees bickering about pizza.

Posted by hoohoopunch on February 11, 2012 at 7:26 AM