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News & ArtsSunday, January 22, 2012
1
oh man... I needed more warning before reading that.
Of course, I was one of the kids in that situation, still am really, so it hit home pretty hard.
Unfortunately, I think it may have set my expectations for a relationship unreasonably high.
Of course, I was one of the kids in that situation, still am really, so it hit home pretty hard.
Unfortunately, I think it may have set my expectations for a relationship unreasonably high.
2
Eerily reminiscent of my recent life story. I write merely to point out that, thanks to the wisdom of the voters of the State of Washington, the terminally ill patient has the Washington Death with Dignity Act available if they need it.
My wife thought long and hard, as she always did, and decided to use it. I met a widow recently, in very similar circumstances, whose husband decided not to use it.
Thank you, Washington voters, for having the wisdom to let us choose.
My wife thought long and hard, as she always did, and decided to use it. I met a widow recently, in very similar circumstances, whose husband decided not to use it.
Thank you, Washington voters, for having the wisdom to let us choose.
4
What is wrong with your country? Why would you ever let people go through this?
"In some ways it was a flash, those 134 days, fighting for treatments, arguing with insurance companies, pushing for another drug, getting her to the hospital for chemotherapy. Always another deadline, something to arrange, a problem to solve. "
This just makes me upset more than anything, that this is what people have to go through during that sort of time.
"In some ways it was a flash, those 134 days, fighting for treatments, arguing with insurance companies, pushing for another drug, getting her to the hospital for chemotherapy. Always another deadline, something to arrange, a problem to solve. "
This just makes me upset more than anything, that this is what people have to go through during that sort of time.
5
@ 4, what's wrong with our country is that we have valued business over everything else. We have millions of people who believe that there's nothing fundamentally wrong with the health insurance model, and who believe that it's worse to pay for someone else's welfare (classical definition of the term, not the social program) than it is to spend that money of unnecessary "defense" programs (when our military is still so much greater than anyone else, Russia and China included, you can bet a lot of it is not needed - but these people find comfort in it and don't want it taken away).
It's very frustration for those of us who understand the value in helping out the unfortunate, and who can perceive how that benefits everyone.
It's very frustration for those of us who understand the value in helping out the unfortunate, and who can perceive how that benefits everyone.
6
There ought to be some kind of nsfw-after-the jump warning for things like that. Dunno what I was expecting, but on a rainy sunday morning that hit f#ckin' hard. Jeez... Dan, maybe some kind of warning next time?
7
@ 1, @ 6, live and learn. If Dan says something is "heartbreaking," it's going to break your heart. He's one blogger who knows the meaning of the word and uses it correctly.
I couldn't read it all, not once I saw where it was going.
I couldn't read it all, not once I saw where it was going.
8
Beautifully written, something that we should all read *because* it is heartbreaking and an example of what life, love and marriage is all about.
Can't imagine Newt being there like this, can you?
Can't imagine Newt being there like this, can you?
9
I got about 5 paragraphs in before I was crying too hard to keep reading. Heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe it.
10
Ok, I guess that 'absolutely heartbreaking' was a big clue... I just clicked through expecting... I don't know. I wasn't planning to have an emotional catharsis this morning...
11
Dan, even though it was painful, I thank you for posting this. Why? For the most superficial – and yet poignant – of reasons. To demonstrate that you in fact are not out to destroy heterosexual marriage (either by supporting a more flexible monogamish interpretation or the push for an extension to include equal marriage for all couples).
::flails because the words aren't easy:: I wish opponents to equal marriage would realize what they are dooming same-sex couples with families to: children who don't belong to a recognized family unit AND the inability to really call your mate's parents your in-laws because – in law – they have NO relation to you. Even more crucial after a death in the family.
::flails because the words aren't easy:: I wish opponents to equal marriage would realize what they are dooming same-sex couples with families to: children who don't belong to a recognized family unit AND the inability to really call your mate's parents your in-laws because – in law – they have NO relation to you. Even more crucial after a death in the family.
12
It is very hard to build a relationship (married or not) for a very long time and then have this happen. It happened to me after 26 yeas of marriage but my spouse has been able to fight and fight hard. I am grateful for every single day we have and every day that he can do the work that he loves and that sustains him.
I am grateful for the expensive treatments that are beating back his cancer (even with all their dreadful side effects). And I am grateful for his fantastic doctor and all those wonderful people at the Cancer Care Alliance.
I feel like the author of this piece does; I can live on without him. But after a quarter of a century - we've lived longer with each other than without - it is not a choice I like to face.
Treasure your loved ones, married or not. And this is a good reason why we need to pass gay marriage legislation because after this kind of pain and anguish, no one should be told they can't be with the one they love to ease their suffering.
I am grateful for the expensive treatments that are beating back his cancer (even with all their dreadful side effects). And I am grateful for his fantastic doctor and all those wonderful people at the Cancer Care Alliance.
I feel like the author of this piece does; I can live on without him. But after a quarter of a century - we've lived longer with each other than without - it is not a choice I like to face.
Treasure your loved ones, married or not. And this is a good reason why we need to pass gay marriage legislation because after this kind of pain and anguish, no one should be told they can't be with the one they love to ease their suffering.
14
Weird. I spent this very morning volunteering at an event with a friend who the rest of our group has rarely seen over the last six months. His partner of 21 years passed away from renal cancer in December. I was happy I could get him out of the house.
16
Reading that was a bit hard as the date it was written, 1/19, would've been my parent's 36th anniversary. My dad died 2.5 months shy of what would've been there 35th anniversary in 2010. So reading that brought back memories what I've seen my mom deal with at times since then.
17
It's worth remembering that this is the after-school-special version. Rarely do we make it through one of these situations without doing something we later regret, and if you think you're an exception I'll bet your relatives are unusually diplomatic or you have an unjustifiably exalted opinion of yourself.
Sometimes it's just a thoughtless word or selfish action (Dean Murphy mentions "acting out") that are easily forgotten or forgiven, but in many families the verbal cruelty and inexplicable behavior go on for days, weeks, months. And sometimes it's the person in the bed who withholds the needed words or touches even when we think they should have the strength and the presence of mind to bring them forth.
Those are the families I always think of whenever I read these stories. Theirs will never be told, either because they don't fit a 1500-word article or a 1-hour TV movie, or because they think no one would have the patience to listen or the understanding to believe.
Sometimes it's just a thoughtless word or selfish action (Dean Murphy mentions "acting out") that are easily forgotten or forgiven, but in many families the verbal cruelty and inexplicable behavior go on for days, weeks, months. And sometimes it's the person in the bed who withholds the needed words or touches even when we think they should have the strength and the presence of mind to bring them forth.
Those are the families I always think of whenever I read these stories. Theirs will never be told, either because they don't fit a 1500-word article or a 1-hour TV movie, or because they think no one would have the patience to listen or the understanding to believe.
18
I was one of the kids in a situation like that. It's strange to think about it like this, but I don't think I'd be nearly as close to my mother as I now am if I hadn't had to support her through my dad's cancer and death while I was in my teens.
19
@ 17 Funny, I'm just now realizing what that big fight I had with my teen daughter over what she should wear to her brother's graduation was about. Two weeks later my husband - their dad - died from his own fast acting cancer. Yeah, death doesn't always bring out our best sides.
20
Oh man. That knocked the wind right out of me.
Spent the weekend with the widow of a friend (Memorex), who died suddenly & recently. I love her, & loved having her here, & feeding her, & making her laugh. But I won't lie, right now I'm tired & I miss my friend.
Love the ones you love. Love them openly, so that they know in their bones they are loved. & I don't particularly care if that sounds saccharine, right now.
Gonna go retreat to couch, blankets & "Stephen Fry in America", for awhile.
Spent the weekend with the widow of a friend (Memorex), who died suddenly & recently. I love her, & loved having her here, & feeding her, & making her laugh. But I won't lie, right now I'm tired & I miss my friend.
Love the ones you love. Love them openly, so that they know in their bones they are loved. & I don't particularly care if that sounds saccharine, right now.
Gonna go retreat to couch, blankets & "Stephen Fry in America", for awhile.
23
@17 the tears have stopped now and I can respond to your post. I think "after school specials" have gotten a bum rap; they raised real issues and often dealt with them honestly ... and when they didn't, it wasn't too hard to read between the lines, so that my mom and I could have real discussions about sex, abortion, drugs and death, without either one of us having to confess our actual experiences unless we wanted to.
Murphy does write about it beautifully, perhaps too beautifully, but he also lets us see the frailty, the moments when he came down too hard on his sons, the times when they squabbled and flouted his authority, the family's inability to accept what was coming ("even if we did not wholly appreciate the finality of it"). Humans are cruel to each other, and foolish, and they usually have much to regret... but that's not the only way to understand human relationships.
Murphy does write about it beautifully, perhaps too beautifully, but he also lets us see the frailty, the moments when he came down too hard on his sons, the times when they squabbled and flouted his authority, the family's inability to accept what was coming ("even if we did not wholly appreciate the finality of it"). Humans are cruel to each other, and foolish, and they usually have much to regret... but that's not the only way to understand human relationships.
25
@ 17 (rob!),
I see your point. While this piece mirrors my husbands experience, complete with the final bedroom visit (he was twelve then). It doesn't mirror either of mine. On one occasion she just couldn't hold on for me to arrive, hence no goodbye, and in the other case the last words were unkind ones. Death hurts. It hurts the dying and it hurts those left behind. I think the piece was beautiful, and healing. It is not like my story, but is a part of the human experience and it reminds me that I'm not alone and sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is grace.
@Dan,
Thank you for posting.
@ All those Sloggers who have been touched by death. My condolences for your loss. And a virtual hug for all those feelings that this piece may have awakened. I appreciate your comments.
I see your point. While this piece mirrors my husbands experience, complete with the final bedroom visit (he was twelve then). It doesn't mirror either of mine. On one occasion she just couldn't hold on for me to arrive, hence no goodbye, and in the other case the last words were unkind ones. Death hurts. It hurts the dying and it hurts those left behind. I think the piece was beautiful, and healing. It is not like my story, but is a part of the human experience and it reminds me that I'm not alone and sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is grace.
@Dan,
Thank you for posting.
@ All those Sloggers who have been touched by death. My condolences for your loss. And a virtual hug for all those feelings that this piece may have awakened. I appreciate your comments.
26
As soon as I realized his wife didn't make it, I started to cry.
I've watched my mother go through multiple cancers. She's fought off all of them, but still, with each serious cancer there's that moment of fear: is this the end?
I don't know if my dad would make it without my mom. They've been married for more than 30 years, and for almost half of those years, she's been fighting cancers. If she lost one, I don't know what he'd do.
I've watched my mother go through multiple cancers. She's fought off all of them, but still, with each serious cancer there's that moment of fear: is this the end?
I don't know if my dad would make it without my mom. They've been married for more than 30 years, and for almost half of those years, she's been fighting cancers. If she lost one, I don't know what he'd do.
28
Remind me again why gay people getting married is a threat to the beautiful relationship this man had with his wife?
29
Reading this makes me wish there were a healing space for people like me who lost a parent in a dysfunctional family in which the surviving parent is cold, and whose older siblings are not only also cold, but cruel and petty, where no grief is expressed and no compassion, not even respect, is offered. I mean, this man and his children should be grateful that they do indeed have each other as loving, feeling, sensitive individuals.
But that is not always the case with families. Sorry.
But that is not always the case with families. Sorry.
30
@23, 24, 25: I hope I didn't come across @17 as dismissive of Dean Murphy's—or anyone else's—experience. And I completely agree with you, Erica, on the value of "after-school specials"; they distill many issues to their essence quite nicely and have provided the fodder for countless conversations between parents and children. I used to watch them and get weepy myself.
Mainly I was trying to acknowledge all the people out there with complex and not-easily-encapsulated, long-term stressors, serious chronic illness being one example. The effects of death and illness and loss are somewhat elastic depending on the time over which they occur and the family's or individual's coping mechanisms and support structure, unfinished business, and so on, so the experience of someone who has lost a partner after decades of chronic illness is not necessarily better or worse than someone who has lost a partner after a heart attack or sudden accident. But to summarize the experience in a way that captures "the essentials" is almost always easier and more straightforward in the second instance.
Weirdness—things not amenable to succinct labels or diagnoses—greatly complicates telling the story, whether you're trying to relate your experience to someone else or doing the internal processing needed to cope with grief. To give an example from my own life (not trolling for sympathy), my mom was seriously ill for most of my childhood, from about age 9 through high school and beyond. She vomited regularly at the breakfast and dinner table, had occasional seizures and bouts of paranoia, among other things. To this day I don't know why. She quit driving and stayed home. My dad's response was to throw himself into his work; he also took over shopping, laundry, and food preparation, and regimented our lives to the nth degree. We went where we were told, when we were told to be there. There were no seconds at mealtime; we ate what was on our plates, no more or less. We didn't do "family" things like summers at the lake or winter ski vacations or even backyard barbecues. We went over to friends' houses, they didn't come over to ours. Sooner rather than later, that makes you less popular if you're always perceived to not reciprocate. Many friends' parents were very understanding, but some also gossiped, and it stung whenever any of that got back to me.
We didn't think my mom would live to forty. As it turned out, she made it to her early 70s, and despite severe arthritis, most of her other problems eventually went away and she died suddenly and unexpectedly of something completely unrelated to her earlier ailments, but she was happy and confident in her last years.
So I always try to remember the people whose convoluted ordeals last for decades. When you've been in their shoes, and you hear about someone's bereavement after five or six months of futile cancer treatment, it's only human to let the thought "they got off easy" flit through your mind. I truly believe all the arguments I made above, though—it's only the storytelling that's easier. The loss and recovery will always depend on your own nature and circumstances, and the response from friends should be supportive and enduring to match.
More...
Mainly I was trying to acknowledge all the people out there with complex and not-easily-encapsulated, long-term stressors, serious chronic illness being one example. The effects of death and illness and loss are somewhat elastic depending on the time over which they occur and the family's or individual's coping mechanisms and support structure, unfinished business, and so on, so the experience of someone who has lost a partner after decades of chronic illness is not necessarily better or worse than someone who has lost a partner after a heart attack or sudden accident. But to summarize the experience in a way that captures "the essentials" is almost always easier and more straightforward in the second instance.
Weirdness—things not amenable to succinct labels or diagnoses—greatly complicates telling the story, whether you're trying to relate your experience to someone else or doing the internal processing needed to cope with grief. To give an example from my own life (not trolling for sympathy), my mom was seriously ill for most of my childhood, from about age 9 through high school and beyond. She vomited regularly at the breakfast and dinner table, had occasional seizures and bouts of paranoia, among other things. To this day I don't know why. She quit driving and stayed home. My dad's response was to throw himself into his work; he also took over shopping, laundry, and food preparation, and regimented our lives to the nth degree. We went where we were told, when we were told to be there. There were no seconds at mealtime; we ate what was on our plates, no more or less. We didn't do "family" things like summers at the lake or winter ski vacations or even backyard barbecues. We went over to friends' houses, they didn't come over to ours. Sooner rather than later, that makes you less popular if you're always perceived to not reciprocate. Many friends' parents were very understanding, but some also gossiped, and it stung whenever any of that got back to me.
We didn't think my mom would live to forty. As it turned out, she made it to her early 70s, and despite severe arthritis, most of her other problems eventually went away and she died suddenly and unexpectedly of something completely unrelated to her earlier ailments, but she was happy and confident in her last years.
So I always try to remember the people whose convoluted ordeals last for decades. When you've been in their shoes, and you hear about someone's bereavement after five or six months of futile cancer treatment, it's only human to let the thought "they got off easy" flit through your mind. I truly believe all the arguments I made above, though—it's only the storytelling that's easier. The loss and recovery will always depend on your own nature and circumstances, and the response from friends should be supportive and enduring to match.
31
@30 I think I understand what you're saying. My grandfather was a vegetable for over 3 years before dying. He had a catheter, required diaper changes, suffered from dementia, cried often, couldn't walk and could barely swallow his pills. Every time I gave him his pills I felt guilty, b/c I knew that it might be painful for him to take them. My mom and my aunt fought the whole way through and aren't talking now. Watching a loved one suffer through a terminal illness is painful, but when there are additional problems on top of the illness itself, it's almost unbearable. At some point you have to shut down emotionally and just get through it. My grandma is still alive at 101 and there are many times I wish I could visit or call more often, but I'm just really drained after all the fighting and illness in the family. I do my best, but it's not easy to be there through longterm stressors, family fights, terminal illness and loss. Also I feel like at only 35 I deserve the chance to have a family of my own and live my own life before I am old and gray, too.
32
Good read. Glad his sons are pulling together. My mom dying (granted we were older) kind of pulled our family apart a bit. Things are better now but everything does change.
34
@29, 30, 31, 32 (and everyone else in pain) -- I'm so sorry for what you went through/are going through.
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