In a nightclub drama that reads like a gayed-up version of 21 Jump Street, three unidentified off-duty officers have filed a police report against security personnel at Neighbours Nightclub, claiming that security guards yelled at them and assaulted them in the alley behind the club "but they didn't know why." Meanwhile, a security guard for the club claims that the situation got out of hand after one of the officers shoved him and called him a know-nothing Mexican.

This claim demands sleuthing! Or at the very least, repeating!

The drama begins on Monday, January 16 at 1:00 a.m. when police were called to the alley entrance of Neighbours nightclub—aka the gayest back door west of Basic Plumbing—to investigate a (presumably) gay scuffle, or what I like to call a "fox trot." There, responding officers discovered that three of the individuals involved in the fight were off-duty police officers who were "visibly intoxicated" and covered in dirt, according to the police report. As the off-duty officers explained to responding officers, they were just hangin' in the alley behind Neighbours when security for the club started getting aggressive.

However, the main security guard involved in the confrontation told police that Officer 3 had started the disturbance by pushing his elbow into the guard's chest. Neighbours security also claims that before the pushing started, either Officer 2 or 3 stated for some inexplicable reason, "You don't know anything about the law, Mexican."

Neighbours has surveillance video of the incident (but no audio).

The police report states that the video shows Officer 2 and Officer 3 walking north in the alley before the confrontation. Another man—identified in the report only as a business acquaintance of Neighbours's security guards—runs ahead of them. He reaches the security guards stationed at Neighbours's entrance and gestures at the two approaching men. Once he has security's attention, the man returns to Officer 2 and appears to scream in Officer 2's face for unknown reasons. "You can see arm and shoulder movement near [Officer 2's] face," the report notes. In turn, the officer uses his arm to push the dude a few feet back—"this was not a hard violent push but seemed to be used to gain separation between the two," notes the report.

Suddenly, one of the security guys in a beefy SECURITY shirt approaches the off-duty officers, says a few words, and then "quickly leg sweeps [Officer 3] slamming him to the ground."

SECURITY says it was because the officer threw his elbow at his chest; the officer denies this; the video is apparently inconclusive.

Meanwhile, Officer 1 has been standing this whole time by the alcove entrance to Neighbours "relaxing with his hand against the wall," the preferred stance of teen and gay heartthrobs alike. But when the pushing started, Officer 1 jumped in the midst of the brawl and "is clearly seen putting his hands up in the air telling everyone to stop fighting."

So: SECURITY approaches Officer 1, they exchange a few words, Officer 1 may have moved to grab SECURITY's arm ("the video is not clear," the report states) and in turn SECURITY "pushes [Officer 1] into the wall and to the ground."

The report states that Officer 1 lifts himself from the ground and starts to walk to the Neighbours' entrance but a moment later SECURITY tackles him again, "hard to the ground... [Officer 1] appears to be holding his hand up as though he is trying to defend himself or telling SECURITY to stop. [Officer 1] then tries to get up off the ground and SECURITY is seen pulling [Officer 1's] head backwards with his hands around [Officer 1's] neck." Later, SECURITY tells reporting officers that he put Officer 1 in a choke hold because Officer 3 "came at him from behind and took his collapsible baton from his back pocket," the report explains. The baton was lying on the ground when responding officers arrived.

Presumably, the fight was broken up for good shortly after this. The report notes that "The video was grainy and difficult to see the exact movement of the subjects, however, it appeared that [SECURITY] was the aggressor in most of the video."

SECURITY admitted that all three men identified themselves as off-duty officer. The responding officer asked SECURITY why he continued to whale on the men after they identified themselves. He replied that "they shouldn't have been acting like that if they were police officers."