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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Maybe Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich Should Have a Lincoln-Douglas-Style Debate About Contraception

Posted by on Tue, Jan 3, 2012 at 9:13 AM

Rick Santorum doesn't just hate the gays and our all-recreational, all-the-time sex lives. He hates recreational straight sex too!

Santorum restated his position on birth control yesterday: Santorum believes contraception should be illegal, that states should be able to ban it, and, if elected president, Santorum has pledged to "completely defund" federal funding for contraception. Birth control has "dangers," says Santorum, because "it’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be."

Things, according to Rick, is supposed to be like this.

I think Newt Gingrich should debate Rick Santorum about contraception because Newt's third wife—that would be Callista "Devout Catholic" Gingrich—was using contraception, in contravention of the Catholic Church's teachings, for the six long years that Callista "Devout Catholic" Gingrich was Newt's mistress. Callista, a devout Catholic, was a young, single, and presumably fertile congressional aide in the 1990s. Then she met and started fucking the shit out of Speaker of the House. We don't know what prompted Callista, a devout Catholic, to fuck the shit married-to-someone-else man for six long years, but we do know that it was love of country that prompted Newt to fuck the shit out of Callista—or perhaps Newt doesn't know that "country" is spelled with an "o"?—at the same time that Newt was impeaching Bill Clinton for cheating on Hillary. Knowing what we know now, of course, it seems possible that the history of the 1990s would be very different if Bill Clinton had had the decency to cheat on Hillary with a devout Catholic girl like Callista, instead of a nice Jewish girl like Monica.

Anyway!

Newt fucked the shit out of Callista for six long years—starting when she was in her mid-twenties—and Callista doesn't have any children to show for all that doughboyin'. Callista must have been using birth control, despite the "devout Catholic" thing, and Rick Santorum thinks that kind of sex—contracepted sex—is dangerous and should be illegal.

I'd say that calls for a Stinkin'-Dumbass-style Debate!

 

Comments (32) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
The thought of doing it with Newt is all the contraceptive anyone needs!
Posted by WestSeven on January 3, 2012 at 9:25 AM · Report this
2
Actually, it's good Santorium is speaking out about his thoughts on contraception - a lot of people I know do not believe that politicians would really ban contraceptives.
Posted by WestSeven on January 3, 2012 at 9:27 AM · Report this
3
The overpopulation pros, the Duggar's, support Santorum, enough said.
Posted by jamso on January 3, 2012 at 9:29 AM · Report this
4
To be fair, Callista may have used the same "natural contraception" that Monica used--oral sex. We don't know HOW they were fucking. Don't assume it had to be vaginal.
Posted by LML on January 3, 2012 at 9:46 AM · Report this
5
Or one or both of them are infertile, or they're infertile together. Not that there's anything wrong with that, especially in this case.
Posted by Alice Dreger http://www.alicedreger.com on January 3, 2012 at 10:07 AM · Report this
6
So can infertile people have as much sex as they want? Pervy sex too??
Posted by puddles on January 3, 2012 at 10:10 AM · Report this
7
@5 You betcha! In the 19th century, infertile people were often valued as spouses. No kidding. (I discovered this while doing my dissertation work on the history of hermaphroditism in France and Britain in the 19th and early 20th centuries. The docs thought infertility made you undesirable, but there's no question that some folks -- who had had quite enough of children -- found infertile mates especially desirable.)
Posted by Alice Dreger http://www.alicedreger.com on January 3, 2012 at 10:13 AM · Report this
8
@4: Yep. Oral, anal, jerking the Newt off until his rich man seed coated everything, the possibilities are endless.
Posted by tiktok on January 3, 2012 at 10:20 AM · Report this
9
Hm... maybe they whipped up huge, stinking piles of santorum together? I hadn't contemplated that... and I hope never to contemplate that again.
Posted by Dan Savage on January 3, 2012 at 10:23 AM · Report this
10
@8 If you're "devout" Catholic, I think the only possibility you are allowed to entertain is, ahem, ending in such a way there is a possibility of pregnancy. At least that's the way it was explained to me.
Posted by WestSeven on January 3, 2012 at 10:23 AM · Report this
Simone 11
Is that really a Santorum family picture?
Posted by Simone on January 3, 2012 at 10:34 AM · Report this
KaraC 12
Why are these people so obsessed with what people do in bed? It seems certain that something severely embarrassing to them is going to emerge, since the onloy reason I can think of is that they have severe issues of their own which they are dealing with by hating others and trying to control people's sexuality and personal relationships. Small government, eh?
Posted by KaraC http://www.facebook.com/karaconnor1 on January 3, 2012 at 10:35 AM · Report this
13
Danny,
if you see any men in white coats they are your friends....
Posted by OurDannyBoy on January 3, 2012 at 10:49 AM · Report this
14
That Duggar pic made me shudder. And consider: with 10 boys (out of 19 children), the statistical likelihood of one of those boys being gay, especially one of the younger ones, is very very high. Poor little sod.
Posted by Sarah Frantz on January 3, 2012 at 10:51 AM · Report this
venomlash 15
@13: Wow! Before a quick Google Images search, I never knew Dan had so many stylish, professional-looking, and if I may say so, strikingly handsome friends. What a lucky man to have such sharply-dressing compadres!
Posted by venomlash on January 3, 2012 at 10:57 AM · Report this
GhostDog 16
@12

Yes. Small enough to fit into a vagina.
Posted by GhostDog on January 3, 2012 at 11:02 AM · Report this
17
Speaking of Brownbacking, how about using the term "vagirgin" to describe those who have "presevered their virginity" through all kinds of sex except vaginal sex?
Posted by LML on January 3, 2012 at 11:22 AM · Report this
18
Or am I thinking Saddlebacking?
Posted by LML on January 3, 2012 at 11:22 AM · Report this
19
Interesting how they want to keep the government out of their wallets and away from their guns but not away from women's reproductive organs.

So now, they think they can force women to bear children? Really?
Posted by Patricia Kayden on January 3, 2012 at 11:36 AM · Report this
20
People like Rick Santorum who think they can stick their noses into the private business of consenting adults have no decency. It's indecent to disrespect other people's privacy and nose into stuff that has nothing to do with you and is none of your business and doesn't affect you. Trying to justify your intrusiveness with religion is just pathetic.
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on January 3, 2012 at 11:41 AM · Report this
Original Andrew 21
I'd much prefer for them to have an Alexander Hamilton-Aaron Burr-style duel over contraception.
Posted by Original Andrew on January 3, 2012 at 11:44 AM · Report this
22
Ricky's anti-contraception stance makes me yearn for the 1960 campaign, when JFK was forced to clearly and categorically assure voters that as President he would not be taking orders from the Vatican, or basing his public policies on his religion.

And six of the nine Justices being ostensibly Catholic is fucked up. The next couple nominees to the Supreme Court really ought to be ostensibly Protestant or Jewish, if for no other reason than their superstitions rarely include opposition to artificial contraception.
Posted by Functional Atheist on January 3, 2012 at 11:46 AM · Report this
23
David Brooks' most recent NYTimes column is hilarious. It endorses Santorum in a way that dances around and tries not to inflame Santorum's "Google Problem".
Posted by Sir Bitchalot on January 3, 2012 at 11:57 AM · Report this
katrat 24
so much fun - thanks, Dan!
Posted by katrat http://www.kathrynrathke.com/ on January 3, 2012 at 12:05 PM · Report this
25
Human beings coming up with technological solutions to our biological limitations is how things are supposed to be.

I don't understand anti-birth control. I'm not anti-abortion, but I understand anti-abortion. I don't get why anyone with two working brain cells can't push aside the "Hey! People who aren't me can do things that I don't like but don't affect me in any way!" factor and support birth control for its many, many societal, physical, moral and economic benefits.
Posted by DRF on January 3, 2012 at 12:26 PM · Report this
26
@22 as an American Catholic, let me reassure you: MOST OF US ARE PRO-BIRTH CONTROL. Religion should not be a litmus test for putting someone in a job unless it is a specifically religious job.

The RC Church is like an older relative. We listen to everything it has to say, and there are some old-fashioned things that we just don't agree with (ever had an old uncle who fought in WWII get going about the Japanese?) but we smile and nod and take all the wonderful wisdom that we can find and protect ourselves from pregnancy and STDs just like everyone else.
Posted by DRF on January 3, 2012 at 12:31 PM · Report this
Jaymz 27
Please indulge for a moment a completely personal aside: The term "fuck the shit out of her" has always turned my stomach just a bit (solid santorum?) but I've accepted it as one of those shocking phrases used to make a special point.

When I see it again and again and again in the same article it should inure me to see it as just a nonsensical phrase but.... can't get past the biological.

I'm done now - please return to the comments already in progress.
Posted by Jaymz on January 3, 2012 at 12:43 PM · Report this
Jaymz 28
@23 - Rick Santorum: He Who Must Not Be Named.
Posted by Jaymz on January 3, 2012 at 12:45 PM · Report this
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 29
That's absurd. She was Catholic. End of discussion.

If a Catholic girl doesn't get pregnant it's because it's God's plan that she not get pregnant. I don't even know why you're so hung up on whether she was having sex. If God wanted her pregnant she'd be pregnant, sex or no sex. If God doesn't want her pregnant it makes no difference if she has sex or not.

See? God is in charge. Affair, no affair, sex, no sex. God decides what happens. That's why Catholic girls like Callista don't have to worry about shit.

Sometimes I think I'm the only one who understands religion.
Posted by Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn http://youtu.be/zu-akdyxpUc on January 3, 2012 at 1:03 PM · Report this
30
@19 Patricia,

Yes they can force them to bear children, but only if they are melanocyte challenged!

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on January 3, 2012 at 4:03 PM · Report this
31
Not only did "Catholic" Call-Girl-ista swallow Newt's newts ala Breakfast Blow Jobs for Tiffany's, she also has had several abortions to keep her blow-up doll figure.
Posted by Carly on January 10, 2012 at 2:43 PM · Report this
32
Wow, if this is the sort of filth and foulness the left wing follows, no wonder our society is living in the shallow end of the gene pool. Can any of you express a point of view NOT using this sort of language? Fr that matter, can any of you express a point of view/opinion or thought in any kind of educated manner?
Posted by HisGracie on February 19, 2012 at 4:43 PM · Report this

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