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News & ArtsFriday, December 30, 2011
Transportation She Hit Me! I Took it Like a Man!
Posted by Charles Mudede on Fri, Dec 30, 2011 at 9:05 AM
The development of the self also involves the deracination of bad things that were planted in one's thinking and language by one's society. For example, I used call Indians (East Indians) kurrimaanchas. I had no idea what this word meant; it was just what all the other Africans around me called Indians. Then one day I stopped, thought about the word for a minute, and realized it was racist. I was calling Indians the munchers of curry. I uprooted the word and discarded it.
Another example can be drawn from something that happened last night. After being hit by a car on the corner of Madison and 7th avenue, I thought:
It's a woman driver. I can't let her know I have been hurt. Men must hide their pain. I will reassure her that everything is fine and warn her to next time better mind the road. The light was green for me and red for her; she was clearly asleep at the wheel. Probably her nerves or something. I will be the man in this situation, make no big deal about it, and continue to my destination, the Pioneer Square Station.What I thought is exactly what I did.
But while taking Link to Columbia City Station, it occurred to me that if it had been a man who had hit me, I would have taken the fucker to the cleaners. Lawyers, insurance agents, neck braces—the entire legal apparatus of punishment and payment would have been dropped on the poor idiot. This contradiction revealed to me yet another bad thing that had been planted in my identity. It's not so much that I've been taught to be kinder to women; it's much deeper than that. It's this: I tend to cooperate with women, and be competitive with men. This asymmetry is not good. Something has to be done about it. The development of the self is a slow and long process.
1
Asymmetry is a good way to put it. I think you have a tough challenge, though, since the empathizing with women gets you something you want (a feeling that you have a toehold should you choose to pursue her). This is quite the learned behavior, and rewards you every day. While men to you remain mostly useless creatures, why should you bother treating them as you would wish to be treated?
Good luck.
Good luck.
4
Charles,
Interesting revelation. I trust you're well.
I had a similar granted remotely similar situation as a young man many years ago but it thankfully, didn't involve a traffic accident. There is an American English colloquialism, "Get your cotton picking hands off of..." which upon reflection is jarring and morally repugnant. I have heard the expression used many times mostly by older folks (over 60 y/o) w/o any racial animus. No particular "trigger" enabled me not to use it. I really can't recall ever using it in fact. But, KNOWING its origin makes me wince when I do hear it albeit rarely. Good on you to have "evolved" as a result of that situation.
Interesting revelation. I trust you're well.
I had a similar granted remotely similar situation as a young man many years ago but it thankfully, didn't involve a traffic accident. There is an American English colloquialism, "Get your cotton picking hands off of..." which upon reflection is jarring and morally repugnant. I have heard the expression used many times mostly by older folks (over 60 y/o) w/o any racial animus. No particular "trigger" enabled me not to use it. I really can't recall ever using it in fact. But, KNOWING its origin makes me wince when I do hear it albeit rarely. Good on you to have "evolved" as a result of that situation.
7
Maybe you can take these feelings and try to come to some middle ground. Or, you know, use them to keep getting page hits for your misogyny.
8
If I accidentally hit you, I'd feel terrible because it was my fault. But if you acted like a jerk (like you would act with a man) it would actually make me feel better, and I promise I would not start crying either way.
10
Sorry, Charles. You just are not good at thinking on your feet. When something unexpected happens to you, you flinch in the clinch. I am happy you're o.k.
11
If I hit you, or anyone, I'd definitely start crying. But then, I'm a poor excuse for a man. Almost a pussy, really.
12
It's interesting how people are characterizing this as "misogyny" when the real problem seems to be his natural animosity toward other men.
13
Madison street is a deathtrap, you're the 5th pedestrian hit I've heard about this month. We need to complete the street (road diet) urgently - do we do those anymore?
If 5 people were assaulted by Occupy Seattle this month the city would spare no expense.
If 5 people were assaulted by Occupy Seattle this month the city would spare no expense.
14
'I tend to cooperate with women, and be competitive with men. This asymmetry is not good.'
And it really is intriguing that the assumption (among the responses I've seen so far) is apparently that you need to be less cooperative with women.
On the other hand, it's really hard to push against the gradient of steroids, so cut yourself a little slack. Simply being aware of the asymmetry is itself a much larger step than many will ever bother to take.
And it really is intriguing that the assumption (among the responses I've seen so far) is apparently that you need to be less cooperative with women.
On the other hand, it's really hard to push against the gradient of steroids, so cut yourself a little slack. Simply being aware of the asymmetry is itself a much larger step than many will ever bother to take.
15
So you're racist and sexist. At least you're aware of it.
It is interesting that you think you'd react strongly were it a man. Would a woman react to kindness differently than a man? If I hit someone and they reacted patiently, I'd feel terrible, be ashamed, I'd apologize and I'd be so much more careful from then on. If they reacted with anger, would I feel less apologetic? I think I’d become defensive and be less likely to accept responsibility and to apologize.
Would men not react that way, do you think? Do you think it would take your anger to get a man to change his behavior whereas a woman would learn from kindness?
BTW, glad to hear you’re okay.
It is interesting that you think you'd react strongly were it a man. Would a woman react to kindness differently than a man? If I hit someone and they reacted patiently, I'd feel terrible, be ashamed, I'd apologize and I'd be so much more careful from then on. If they reacted with anger, would I feel less apologetic? I think I’d become defensive and be less likely to accept responsibility and to apologize.
Would men not react that way, do you think? Do you think it would take your anger to get a man to change his behavior whereas a woman would learn from kindness?
BTW, glad to hear you’re okay.
16
"I tend to cooperate with women, and be competitive with men."
Wow. I guess there are a few way to look at this -
1) It is a statement of the blinding obvious. I mean seriously, you ought to be promoted far past Captain Obvious - something of this magnitude would require nothing less than Imperator of his most Honorable Regent Obvious, Lord of all Readily Apparent Things and Seer of that which is Plain as Day. This reaction is simply natural selection at work.
2) We can postulate about how not punching a bitch in the face who mowed you down with a 2,000+ lb piece of rolling steel, aluminum and rubber is misogynistic.
Wow. I guess there are a few way to look at this -
1) It is a statement of the blinding obvious. I mean seriously, you ought to be promoted far past Captain Obvious - something of this magnitude would require nothing less than Imperator of his most Honorable Regent Obvious, Lord of all Readily Apparent Things and Seer of that which is Plain as Day. This reaction is simply natural selection at work.
2) We can postulate about how not punching a bitch in the face who mowed you down with a 2,000+ lb piece of rolling steel, aluminum and rubber is misogynistic.
17
Charles, I know it's the season, but really, you are being too damn saintly here. She ran a red light, for Chrissake. And you don't yet know if there's any lingering physical effects. I hope you got her insurance details.
As for her, from one female driver to another: Wake up, lady! Keep your eyes on the road and your wheels off Mudede!
As for her, from one female driver to another: Wake up, lady! Keep your eyes on the road and your wheels off Mudede!
19
Excellent post, Charles. I can only say that going forward, you should learn to separate the messenger from the system. Had you been really hurt, you're still entitled to hide your pain from the woman if you choose, but should take all necessary steps to receive medical care that you will be reimbursed for. Insurance companies don't care who you cry in front of, they only care what your bills (and lawyer) say.
22
I got hit while riding my bike in 2006. It was a guy and he did the classic right turn into the bike lane, making me brake and slide helmet first into his rear bumper while going down hill rather fast.
I was made more mad by all the cars who continued to do their left turns into the intersection while I was picking up the pieces of my bike and trying to stand up straight to get to the curb!
I was in kind of in a daze, and a friendly Good Samaritan (who flagged down the potential hit and runner) wanted to call the cops and ambulance. I'm not one for suing and bad vibes and was more thankful to be alive than wanting revenge at that point.
Still, I keep thinking back to whether I would be a lot better off if I had taken various organizations to the cleaners then. Conversely, I think of all the scratch tickets that never played, or stock options I held from startup companies that flopped and wonder if its just part of fate.
I remember wheeling my busted bike back in a semi-concussive state. It was a very hot day. Still, I walked away.
I was made more mad by all the cars who continued to do their left turns into the intersection while I was picking up the pieces of my bike and trying to stand up straight to get to the curb!
I was in kind of in a daze, and a friendly Good Samaritan (who flagged down the potential hit and runner) wanted to call the cops and ambulance. I'm not one for suing and bad vibes and was more thankful to be alive than wanting revenge at that point.
Still, I keep thinking back to whether I would be a lot better off if I had taken various organizations to the cleaners then. Conversely, I think of all the scratch tickets that never played, or stock options I held from startup companies that flopped and wonder if its just part of fate.
I remember wheeling my busted bike back in a semi-concussive state. It was a very hot day. Still, I walked away.
23
It's interesting how people are being such shitheads to Charles when he is being candidly, remorsefully self-revelatory. And also got hit by a car.
I mean, don't get me wrong, Charles is a giant, grinning, "PROBLEM, INTERNETS?" trollface most of the time, but when the content of a post is, "I got hit by a car, and my reaction revealed to me some problems in my deepest internal thoughts and feelings and I would like to change that," I don't think that's really quite the same.
Anyway, glad you're okay, Charles.
I mean, don't get me wrong, Charles is a giant, grinning, "PROBLEM, INTERNETS?" trollface most of the time, but when the content of a post is, "I got hit by a car, and my reaction revealed to me some problems in my deepest internal thoughts and feelings and I would like to change that," I don't think that's really quite the same.
Anyway, glad you're okay, Charles.
24
"I can't let her know I have been hurt."???
An "asleep at the wheel" motorist runs a red and hits a pedestrian, and you let her go on her merry way??? What if she killed somebody at the next intersection?????
There's a pattern here. You repeatedly give wrongdoers free passes in ways that burnish your individual self-image while burdening the community as a whole with unnecessary risks,
An "asleep at the wheel" motorist runs a red and hits a pedestrian, and you let her go on her merry way??? What if she killed somebody at the next intersection?????
There's a pattern here. You repeatedly give wrongdoers free passes in ways that burnish your individual self-image while burdening the community as a whole with unnecessary risks,
25
hmm, i would have said that you've been taught to dismiss women's capabilities.
if a man hurt you while driving recklessly, you would be outraged, because men shouldn't drive like that. men should be responsible, careful drivers. you would express your outrage in all the ways outlined above. because it was a woman who was driving recklessly, you condescended to her: protected her from seeing the harm she'd done, lectured her about safe driving practices, refrained from taking her to the cleaners.
it's not that you "cooperated" with her. it's that you didn't have enough respect for her to be angry.
if a man hurt you while driving recklessly, you would be outraged, because men shouldn't drive like that. men should be responsible, careful drivers. you would express your outrage in all the ways outlined above. because it was a woman who was driving recklessly, you condescended to her: protected her from seeing the harm she'd done, lectured her about safe driving practices, refrained from taking her to the cleaners.
it's not that you "cooperated" with her. it's that you didn't have enough respect for her to be angry.
27
12: And if that is the case, and given the headline, his own self animosity?
24: Ain't self martyrdom fun? :D
25: Good point.
24: Ain't self martyrdom fun? :D
25: Good point.
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