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News & ArtsThursday, December 29, 2011
2012 / Horrors / Savage Love / Religion Too Funny
Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Dec 29, 2011 at 6:19 PM
Someone—not me, I swear to God—created the hashtag #replaceawordinabiblicalversewithsantorum over on the Twitter machine. HA HA HA HA:
4
I think I'm gonna puke. I look forward to when he gets out of the race so everyone can stop with the mental imagery.
6
Jeremiah already covered Santorum in the King James Version of the bible:
4:19, My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.
4:20, Destruction upon destruction is cried; for the whole land is spoiled: suddenly are my tents spoiled, and my curtains in a moment.
4:19, My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.
4:20, Destruction upon destruction is cried; for the whole land is spoiled: suddenly are my tents spoiled, and my curtains in a moment.
7
Okay, we can all have our laughs about Santorum.
And meanwhile, can you say "president Gingrich," or "president Romney?"
Sends cold shivers down my spine.
Santorum's a buffoon, a distraction from the real threat.
And meanwhile, can you say "president Gingrich," or "president Romney?"
Sends cold shivers down my spine.
Santorum's a buffoon, a distraction from the real threat.
8
I just spent way too long looking for the perfect leprosy quote. Let's just leave it at "Blah blah blah santorum blah blah Unclean! Unclean!"
10
Then they shall bring out the Santorum to the door of his father's house, and the men of his city shall stone him with stones that he die.
--Deuteronomy 22:21 (one of my favorite of all the nutty Bible verses)
--Deuteronomy 22:21 (one of my favorite of all the nutty Bible verses)
15
My favorite one: "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman…their santorum shall be upon them" (Lev 20:13)
17
Romans 13:8 Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves santorum has fulfilled the law.
18
Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with santorum. It is no longer I who live, but santorum who lives in me.
19
Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the santorum of God.
23
Wives, be in subjection to your own Santorum.--1 Peter 3:1
She made all nations drink of the Santorum of the wrath of her fornication.--Revelation 14:8
Thou shalt not plow Santorum and an ass together. Deuteronomy 22:10
Santorum shalt thou be when thou comest in, and Santorum shalt thou be when thou goest out.--Deuteronomy 28:19
And the smoke of their Santorum ascendeth up for ever and ever.--Revelation 14:11
She made all nations drink of the Santorum of the wrath of her fornication.--Revelation 14:8
Thou shalt not plow Santorum and an ass together. Deuteronomy 22:10
Santorum shalt thou be when thou comest in, and Santorum shalt thou be when thou goest out.--Deuteronomy 28:19
And the smoke of their Santorum ascendeth up for ever and ever.--Revelation 14:11
24
7 good point.
if our little Danny was clever at all
he would be doing everything possible
to see that Rick is the GOP nominee....
if our little Danny was clever at all
he would be doing everything possible
to see that Rick is the GOP nominee....
27
Totally childish.
That's why I love it. My contribution on Twitter:
"If you love me, you will keep my santorum." John 14:15. #replaceawordinabiblicalversewithsantorum
That's why I love it. My contribution on Twitter:
"If you love me, you will keep my santorum." John 14:15. #replaceawordinabiblicalversewithsantorum
28
I hate both Santorum the candidate and santorum - not what it describes, but the neologism and the movement (if you can call it that) that created it. In hindsight, it's juvenile and actually lends a certain legitimacy to Santorum he wouldn't have had otherwise. Inserting it in Biblical verses? Unhelpful. Mocking others' beliefs - even people whose policy positions you find hostile to your interests - is poor form and only serves to justify in part their position against you. This whole thing comes off as a petty boondoggle that's probably prolonged Santorum's time in the public eye. The cat's too long out of the bag to put it back, but I wish we could let it (and him) die a quiet and speedy death.
29
I can't say I think much of Santorum. He's a creep at best and a hateful demagogue at worst.
I can't say I think much of mocking someone else's holy book, though. Whatever you think of Christianity, it's on the same level as making fun of retarded kids.
I can't say I think much of mocking someone else's holy book, though. Whatever you think of Christianity, it's on the same level as making fun of retarded kids.
30
@4 and @28: It makes sense that a person would continue to insist a joke is funny long after it had gotten old, partly because he or she helped make up the joke.
I really can't wait for Rick Santorum to end his campaign, mainly because his bigoted beliefs are offensive, but also so these tired scat jokes will end.
I really can't wait for Rick Santorum to end his campaign, mainly because his bigoted beliefs are offensive, but also so these tired scat jokes will end.
32
In other Santorum news, this just in from TheWeek.com:
"And data from a rival campaign's internal tracking poll shows that Santorum's numbers are probably still rising, feeding expectations that Santorum could stage a shocking come-from-behind victory in Iowa, says Stephen Hayes at The Weekly Standard."
Shocking come-from-behind indeed.
"And data from a rival campaign's internal tracking poll shows that Santorum's numbers are probably still rising, feeding expectations that Santorum could stage a shocking come-from-behind victory in Iowa, says Stephen Hayes at The Weekly Standard."
Shocking come-from-behind indeed.
34
This isn't funny. This is stupid. There are many legitimate criticisms of the Bible and organized religion, but replacing words with poop is just juvenile.
35
At my sweet, elderly father-in-law's house last night, I heard the talking head on the evening news mention Santorum's poll numbers. For a split second, I was absolutely horrified that the newscaster had said "santorum" when my FIL was sitting right there! You have to admit, it's pretty effective.
37
@34
Are you fucking kidding me?
There is nothing more juvenile that the incoherent, nonsensical, primitive, immoral, vile content of the bible.
This is an improvement.
Are you fucking kidding me?
There is nothing more juvenile that the incoherent, nonsensical, primitive, immoral, vile content of the bible.
This is an improvement.
38
@34
The Bible is full of offensive, absurd, hateful crap. All Christians should be embarrassed & ashamed at their willful disregard of its ridiculous 'teachings'.
As Penn & Teller so eloquently put it, you can't pick & choose about which parts of the Bible you like to quote - according to your religion, *all* of the Bible is the sanctified word of God, all of it in its bizarre glory ...i.e., how to beat your slave, how parents have the right to kill their recalcitrant sons & so many more heartwarming highlights.
Religion has always been about taking us back to the Dark Ages. All Christians today - who like to pretend they are enlightened & morally superior - bear responsibliity for ongoing hateful practices in Africa, where gay people & women are being killed in the name of Christian 'good news' that was foisted on uneducated people by missionaries bent on civilizing the savages. Enough of this madness!
The Bible is full of offensive, absurd, hateful crap. All Christians should be embarrassed & ashamed at their willful disregard of its ridiculous 'teachings'.
As Penn & Teller so eloquently put it, you can't pick & choose about which parts of the Bible you like to quote - according to your religion, *all* of the Bible is the sanctified word of God, all of it in its bizarre glory ...i.e., how to beat your slave, how parents have the right to kill their recalcitrant sons & so many more heartwarming highlights.
Religion has always been about taking us back to the Dark Ages. All Christians today - who like to pretend they are enlightened & morally superior - bear responsibliity for ongoing hateful practices in Africa, where gay people & women are being killed in the name of Christian 'good news' that was foisted on uneducated people by missionaries bent on civilizing the savages. Enough of this madness!
39
@37-38, I beg to differ -- both the claim that there is nothing good in the bible (there is, quite a lot, actually), and the implication that it's religiously impossible not to pick and choose from the bible.
Just as there are horrible quotes in the bible, there are also wonderful ones. Jesus' 'he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone', in the context of the adulterous woman whom Jesus saved from being stoned, is one of my favorites, since it warns against arrogant people who think they know everything -- as true a piece of advice as you can find anywhere else.
There are many other such quotes. I'll leave finding them as an exercise to the reader.
As for not being able to choose which passages to like... Sure, there are religions and denominations that claim the whole bible is sacred and must be literally interpreted, but there's a reason why these are called "fundamentalist": they themselves realize other Christians, or other religious people interest in Christ, do not think that the bible is all holy and should all be interpreted literally.
What is the logical impossibility with saying that some of the things in the bible are right, and some are wrong? And that even those that are right must be interpreted, since they were written long, long ago to a very different audience? Why can't a religion say that? It's like saying I either have to like all of Shakespeare, or then hate all of it. There are, you know, intermediate positions.
Just as there are horrible quotes in the bible, there are also wonderful ones. Jesus' 'he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone', in the context of the adulterous woman whom Jesus saved from being stoned, is one of my favorites, since it warns against arrogant people who think they know everything -- as true a piece of advice as you can find anywhere else.
There are many other such quotes. I'll leave finding them as an exercise to the reader.
As for not being able to choose which passages to like... Sure, there are religions and denominations that claim the whole bible is sacred and must be literally interpreted, but there's a reason why these are called "fundamentalist": they themselves realize other Christians, or other religious people interest in Christ, do not think that the bible is all holy and should all be interpreted literally.
What is the logical impossibility with saying that some of the things in the bible are right, and some are wrong? And that even those that are right must be interpreted, since they were written long, long ago to a very different audience? Why can't a religion say that? It's like saying I either have to like all of Shakespeare, or then hate all of it. There are, you know, intermediate positions.
40
Yes, there's plenty of hateful WTF in the Bible (read the Book of Numbers some time; yeesh!) but there is good stuff in there too.
Penn and Teller are wrong. One CAN pick and choose which parts of the Bible to follow. I'm sure that plenty of you do unto others as you'd have them do unto you without following the rest of it. Many Christian and other sects have been interpreting the Bible in a non-literal way for decades.
The Bible is like a person, like an older relative who's got some outdated ideas but some good experiences to relay as well. Just because we don't agree with everything Uncle Bible says doesn't mean that we lock him in the attic and never listen to a thing.
Penn and Teller are wrong. One CAN pick and choose which parts of the Bible to follow. I'm sure that plenty of you do unto others as you'd have them do unto you without following the rest of it. Many Christian and other sects have been interpreting the Bible in a non-literal way for decades.
The Bible is like a person, like an older relative who's got some outdated ideas but some good experiences to relay as well. Just because we don't agree with everything Uncle Bible says doesn't mean that we lock him in the attic and never listen to a thing.
41
@DRF, who wrote:
I couldn't have put it better. Uncle Bible... If you don't object, I am going to steal this idea. :-)
The Bible is like a person, like an older relative who's got some outdated ideas but some good experiences to relay as well. Just because we don't agree with everything Uncle Bible says doesn't mean that we lock him in the attic and never listen to a thing.
I couldn't have put it better. Uncle Bible... If you don't object, I am going to steal this idea. :-)
42
Please! I'm a Catholic and I've felt that way about the Church for a long time. Like a great-grandmother who's uptight about sex and maybe a bit racist (like old men who fought in WWII can be about the Japanese). It doesn't mean that she doesn't know anything worthwhile.
43
I'm a Catholic too (well, I was when I was growing up; now I no longer am, though it's difficult to say what I am instead; maybe the best word is 'aware of my (extended) surroundings'?). And I share your view of the bible. It's just that you found such a nice way of putting it, I'm still smiling here.
44
OK, guys, we're making fun of a public figure with controversial views, not the Bible. Or, as someone once said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first santorum."
45
Ezekiel 23:20
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose Santorum was like that of horses.
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose Santorum was like that of horses.
46
"One CAN pick and choose which parts of the Bible to follow. I'm sure that plenty of you do unto others as you'd have them do unto you without following the rest of it."
Yes, because I'm an atheist, and the ethic of reciprocity (aka "the golden rule") is a good ethical position, whether or not a Jewish zombie said so.
Claiming the Bible is good because it contains a few good verses is like claiming a turd is good eatin' because it has a few chunks of corn.
Yes, because I'm an atheist, and the ethic of reciprocity (aka "the golden rule") is a good ethical position, whether or not a Jewish zombie said so.
Claiming the Bible is good because it contains a few good verses is like claiming a turd is good eatin' because it has a few chunks of corn.
47
@40 But people in pretty powerful places get up on soapboxes (or worse) spouting that because 'Uncle Bible' said it, it is the word of God and has to be followed to the letter -- except for the crazier things that Uncle Bible says. You can't have both -- choosing to stick with/enforce what your narrow mindedness wants to to believe using the bible as the "end-all/be-all" and ignoring half of the other things it says because they just don't fit anymore.
48
@39-40, the Bible is THE WORD OF GOD. It's not a question of whether it's all good or all bad, it's that either it's ALL the word of God or NONE of it is the word of God. Or are you saying that only the good parts are the word of God? If ALL of it is the word of God, then even the bad parts must be right, right?
Reading the bible and taking some of what's in it as useful philosophy to guide your life reduces the Bible to the equivalent of a Reader's Digest Big Book of Inspirational Quotes.
Reading the bible and taking some of what's in it as useful philosophy to guide your life reduces the Bible to the equivalent of a Reader's Digest Big Book of Inspirational Quotes.
49
I don't know why this part didn't get posted...
"The Bible is like a person, like an older relative who's got some outdated ideas but some good experiences to relay as well. Just because we don't agree with everything Uncle Bible says doesn't mean that we lock him in the attic and never listen to a thing."
But at the same time, Uncle Bible isn't particularly reliable, so we don't accept what he says as truth without some sort of outside verification. Parts of his ramblings can be great stories, but they're more likely to be fiction than fact.
"The Bible is like a person, like an older relative who's got some outdated ideas but some good experiences to relay as well. Just because we don't agree with everything Uncle Bible says doesn't mean that we lock him in the attic and never listen to a thing."
But at the same time, Uncle Bible isn't particularly reliable, so we don't accept what he says as truth without some sort of outside verification. Parts of his ramblings can be great stories, but they're more likely to be fiction than fact.
50
i cant take a book seriously when its caused thousands of years of persecution and hatred. its not Cher it cant "tuuuurrrnnn baaaacckkk tiiiimmmee"
51
@47, yes, that's true -- and so, these people who get on soapboxes are the ones you should blame, not Uncle Bible. If Hitler liked Shakespeare (which, I hear, is true -- he did), it's not Shakespeare's fault. Just as Jesus himself got angry at the Pharisees and Sadducees for sticking to the letter of the law and forgetting the spirit, I also get angry at people who think they're doing anyone a service by jumping on those soapboxes and blabbering about the bible as if they had some sort of exclusivity right to it.
@46, don't forget that that "Jewish zombie" was one of the first to propose successfully this ethics of reciprocity. I get it that you don't like him (why, by the way? was it something he said?), but if you think anyone who does is a jerk then your capacity for logical reasoning is flawed.
You can compare anything you want to a turd, including atheism; but don't forget the most important thing about shit (as Kundera pointed out in the Unbearable Lightness of Being): without it, we'd all be dead.
@46, don't forget that that "Jewish zombie" was one of the first to propose successfully this ethics of reciprocity. I get it that you don't like him (why, by the way? was it something he said?), but if you think anyone who does is a jerk then your capacity for logical reasoning is flawed.
You can compare anything you want to a turd, including atheism; but don't forget the most important thing about shit (as Kundera pointed out in the Unbearable Lightness of Being): without it, we'd all be dead.
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