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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Animals The Wisest, Most Right-est Thing I Wrote in 2011

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 27, 2011 at 11:17 AM

Historically, now is the time when you look back over the past year, think about what you've accomplished, and realize that you will never say anything more true or "right" than what I wrote in my July 26th I Love Television™ column about "weenie dogs."

Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!

Top that in 2012. You won't be able to. Read more of my wisest quotes of the year here.

Comments (4) RSS

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#5 Weenie Dogs like a taste of ankle juice...and your ankles are particulary delicious as they have a "kibble" scent

Posted by DM1 on December 27, 2011 at 12:28 PM

Does anyone actually find Wm.™ Steven Humphrey funny?

Portland has many charms, but humor is clearly not one of them.

Posted by d.p. on December 27, 2011 at 5:02 PM

@2, douchebagging puss, everyone of any quality finds Mr. Humphrey funny and adores his wry humor, which is probably why you don't or can't.

Mr. Humphrey, and Ms. Lindy West, are the two certifiable treasures this rag has going for it, and obviously the two most brilliant!

@2, dper, Are you related, by any chance related to that clown, Kim Jon Boehner?

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7152/65485…

Posted by sgt_doom on December 28, 2011 at 11:59 AM

Ah... Slog's resident conspiracy troll is apparently Wm.™ S. H.'s target demographic.

I'm not sure how the troll can even put the irrepressible-giggle-inducing genius of Lindy West in the same category as Humphrey's groan-induced trying-too-hard. But then again, he's never written a word that passed rational muster, so why should he start now?

Posted by d.p. on December 28, 2011 at 2:57 PM